A Brief Confrontation

Continued from A Brief Encounter

You start to prepare mentally about how your dreaded dialogue with the freaky cleaner would go. This time around it’s the weekend so you’ll be able to give him a piece of your mind when he comes knocking on your front door. You’re not only perplexed about what he did with your briefs since you can’t find them, but you still don’t know what he went to do with them when he was no longer within your spy camera’s view. The cleaner arrives and he’s barley picked up the nearby broom before you unleash a barrage of questions.

You take him through a courtroom ordeal examining and cross-examining the defendant. You ask him what he typically does when he cleans your bedroom. His answer does not mention anything about going through your dirty laundry. You know he’s not under oath so you remind him that he was being watched by your surveillance camera and that you noticed his every move. You show him exhibit A from your phone and he instantly goes pale and then he starts to sing a different and unexpected tune.

He tells you that he doesn’t know what happened and that it was the devil that made him do it. You take a good hard look at him as if to elicit a more convincing response but that’s just about it. He stares back at you like a deer caught in the headlights. Devil claim aside, you quiz him on the whereabouts of your underwear and he acts confused. He stammers and then admits that he went home with it. You accuse him of stealing but he insists that his plan was to return them. At this point you ask him if he brought them along but his silence and long face gives you the answer. He begs you to forgive him and he promises you that he will return your briefs the next time he’s on duty. ‘Really? Return them?’, you say to yourself.

You recall that these briefs were special not just because they were a designer brand – they were your lucky charm. You wore it to that job interview that landed the role you’re currently in. You wore it the night you your girlfriend agreed to date you. If it could be personified it would be comfort, confidence and charm all wrapped in one. And all of a sudden this underwear-sniffing, mop-wielding buffoon has stolen it for himself. You wonder what his grand masterplan is – to eventually steal your girlfriend, your job and your life? More importantly you ask yourself whether you should still employ his services. You can’t fault that his cleaning is immaculate. He’s still begging you and he resorts to bended knees.

You contemplate and tell him all is forgiven but with a stern warning that such should not repeat itself. He is overjoyed. You’re feeling a bit better, though the mystery around his dodgy behaviour remains unexplained. You sit back and relax to resume binging on your favourite TV series. Hours after the cleaner finishes his job he bids you farewell and when he brings up the briefs issue you briefly tell him he can keep them. This puts a sheepish smile across his face which you choose to ignore. As you get back to your sofa you remember you haven’t tipped him and you call out from your window to the cleaner downstairs. You throw down the cash and as he bends over to pick it from the floor you see the outline of your once treasured Tommy Hilfiger briefs. You watch in horror as the lying thief walks off into the sunset with his newly acquired lucky charm.

Blog Wars

It is the year 2021. Blog world has been riddled with mayhem as there is a never ending battle between the Bloggers and the Spammers. There is one blogger however called Luke Skywriter who is the best there is at blogging and he is the last hope to restore Blog world to a state of useful information circulation. His predecessor, Anakin Skywriter, was supposed to make this possible. The elders had noticed that the Words were strong in him at the tender age of 9. But following his transition to the Dark side he was presumed dead after an epic pen-fight with Obi-Wan Kenotey.

Luke Skywriter, with the guidance of Princess Writea and the Scribe training from 900 yr old Posta, was instrumental in his execution of a well-laid out plan to annihilate the rebels of the Spam armed forces. In a terrible twist of fate, Luke comes face-to-face with his arch enemy, the devious Darth Pager, who later reveals that he is in fact his biological father – Anakin Skywriter. The confrontation leads to lot of ink being shed during the posting battle but Luke rises victorious and the blogs are restored to full circulation in Blog world. He is now married to Princess Writea and has taken over from Posta to train young-lings in Blog academy. There he shows them the way of the Scribe. 

I salute Luke and all that he has done for Blogworld. He is the wordsmith that all bloggers would aspire to be. On that note I’ll sign off saying, ‘May the Words be with you’.

thecrazynigerian.com is dead

Dear fans, spammers, followers and critics, it is with a deep sense of regret that I hereby announce the sudden and untimely death of www.thecrazynigerian.com due to my forgetfulness negligence. I was meant to renew my domain subscription sometime late last year and despite several reminders from WordPress I never followed up. It’s in no way a valid excuse (after all, nobody has to remind me to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and all the junk food in between). In the blogging community my actions should constitute a punishable offence because I’ve successfully managed to confuse my followers who may have wondered why my website is suddenly displaying this:

thecrazynigerian.com

Luckily enough the clown, who used to own ‘www.crazynigerian.com’ and was charging me hundreds of thousands of Naira to purchase it, obviously must have been negligent too. The moment the site name became available I scooped it up quicker than a Nigerian Street sweeper backing high-speed traffic on Third Mainland Bridge. So for the avoidance of doubt, my new site name and blog address is www.crazynigerian.com 

In other news, I’ve been keeping myself busy whilst my former blog got shut down. Here’s a few snapshots of things I’ve been up to:

crazynigerian teescrazynigerian at classicfm

crazynigerian at book festival

crazynigerian at book festival 2

Well there you have it – my past few months in pictures. The sequel, The Crazy Nigerian Returns is currently in production and promises to live up to readers’ expectations. Here’s a toast to the new blog address and to more funny/crazy articles like before. Bye bye thecrazynigerian.com, hello crazynigerian.com!

Teaser: Taken from the series, Think Like A Man, End up Without One by @Livelytwist with my little contribution…

Let’s just get right down to the critical issue here, thinking. Men think. Women think too much, quote me on that. It’s not a bad thing until a man has had a single thought and moved on, and a woman is still having several thoughts about his single thought, long after.

Take for instance the following scenario. A young man and his girlfriend are enjoying a hearty meal and each other’s company at a fast food restaurant, when a stunning woman walks past. The man may think one of two things: what she’ll look like naked or what she’ll be like in bed. His girlfriend on the other hand may think many things including several variations of what her man was thinking about some seconds ago.

Paranoia could follow her dangerous thought process. His eyes lingered a little too longHe must like herHe said he likes women with assets and hers are bigger. Meanwhile the man has resumed munching his burger. His girlfriend on the other hand, has moved from paranoia to “casual” interrogation—“She’s very attractive isn’t she?” Wise men know this is a trap and the correct answer for peace to reign is, “I only have eyes for you, dear.” But if he loves you, why worry?

When it comes to love, less brain, more heart, or else a woman may just chase that man away. Men dislike wahala jo! – @dcrazynigerian

Not Suit-able for the Crazy Nigerian

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Patience isn’t one of my strong suits but I’ve been forced in recent times to take a crash course from none other than my last tailor fashion designer. Once upon a time (time time) my fashion designer came by recommendation. I … Continue reading

Increasing your daily page views, not your BP

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This gallery contains 5 photos.

Imagine you’ve just bought a pair of unique, classy, new shoes (the pair you’ve been eyeing for a couple of weeks while waiting for your paycheck at the end of the month). You step outside with them excitedly for the … Continue reading

And the Liebster award goes to…

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You guessed it…ME! After four years of blogging (to be honest, there were days weeks of writer’s block) I finally got nominated for the Liebster blog award; an award given to up and coming bloggers with under 200 followers. At my last … Continue reading

Choose my book title

I’m days away from completing my first book (woohoo!) and I would like YOU to give your honest opinions on which title I should use (yikes!). But here’s a few things to note:

What my book isn’t

  • Boring
  • Voluminous
  • Conservative
  • Complex
  • Depressing

What my book will be (hopefully)

  • Revealing
  • Informative
  • Playful
  • Funny
  • Unique

My book is in two parts: Part I is a collection of all my intriguing childhood and teenage experiences within Nigeria and the United Kingdom; and Part II is a collection of the most popular posts on my blog. My story is a comical take on my journey to self-discovery and my desperate attempts to fit into this odd world. My wish is that this book will inspire readers from all walks of life to accept themselves for who they are no matter what critics say, and to pursue their passion because that’s usually the one thing that makes us feel alive.

Book titles for consideration

  • The Crazy Nigerian (Same title as my blog)
  • Crazy Nigerian Boy
  • A spoonful of Imbroglio
  • This joke’s on me
  • X, Y, Me
  • Moonwalking down Memory Lane (I’m a big MJ fan)
  • Shut up! I’m talking…to myself
  • What they didn’t know
  • So you thought I wouldn’t publish this
  • Experience was my worst teacher
  • They don’t teach you this at school
  • Right off my chest
  • My brain is at the drycleaners
  • Air miles and plastic smiles
  • The Write-Off

If you could spare a minute and just Cut & Paste the title or titles you like, or you could conjure up a catchy title that you think will suit the type of book I’m writing – that’ll be great!

The Reward!

As part of a giveaway, I will be making an online version of my book available to all the people who comment on this post with their choice of title (or suggested title). Entries will close by April 30th, 2012 and thereafter I’ll send your exclusive free e-book to your email addy 🙂

Your’s truly,

*Jollof*  

10 Day YOU Challenge: 9 Loves

Day 2 – Now that I’ve got my secrets out-of-the-way (and out in the open) I’ll probably go into some detail as I talk about my loves (I could count 99 but I’ll stick to the rules). Here goes nothing…

  1. He has been there for me in the darkest of times when I felt all hope was lost. More importantly he died for my sins even before I was born and wants me to get to Heaven. I pray in his name whenever I want something from God. I love Jesus.
  2. There’s no surprise that this next love is coming second. From Bran flakes in the morning to yoghurt and fruit, pancakes, bacon, sausages, pasta, cheese, pizza, fried rice, plantain, ice-cream, hotdogs…you guessed it. I love Food.
  3. I’ve got to have the slick portable mp3 players or the Nokia E75 with the fancy slide qwerty keypad. What about camera’s with in-built mp3 and video camera (I lost that after being pickpocketed at a boring wedding – boo hoo). I’m a far cry from 007 but I love Gadgets
  4. When I see the table I get excited like a little kid who was about to ride his first tricycle. Racking up the balls and chalking my cue is the beginning of complete isolation from the outside world. I could sit at home and watch game after game when world tournaments are on. Any girlfriend I’m with at the time has no chance of getting my attention (except with food, of course). I am an absolute sucker for it so much so that I blew 200 pounds sterling on my very own in London and even shipped it back to Nigeria when I relocated! I love Pool/Snooker tables
  5. Ever since I saw ‘monkey suits’ (oversized suits which make the wearer look like he stole them from Pavarotti) I vowed I would NEVER wear such (and that would go into my will too). First impressions count. Style matters. There’s a thin line between SWAG and SAG. I love Fitted Clothes.
  6. Clear white sands. Cool sea-breeze blowing through the palm trees. Barbecue sizzling nicely and the fizz from when I open a can of ice-cold Heineken as I recline on the long sun bed. My Police shades on a 45 degree tilt as I watch the action pass by. I love Beaches.
  7. The thrill of the take-off is the only thing that comes close to a roller coaster ride for me. It’s like an adrenaline rush as the plane thunders down the tarmac. Economy, Business or First class – I don’t care. I love Air travel.
  8. The Moonwalk, Crazy legs, Ballroom, Salsa, Ethnic, Yahooze, Alanta, LMFAO Shuffle, etc you name it. As long as I have to move my feet to the beat you can say that I love Dancing.
  9. This is my passion and I can only thank WordPress for helping me to keep up this increasingly addictive hobby. This is a no-brainer for those who know me. Fact, Fiction, Funny, Freaky…I looooooooooooooooove Writing!

What are YOUR loves?

Table for two, please!

Yesterday I had lunch with an unexpected guest. Half an hour earlier I was slaving away for my boss as usual when I suddenly heard my stomach grumbling. I decided to call the office canteen on the internal phone line and place my order. I even insisted that the food should be warmed up and reserved for me. I was told that everything would be done as requested. Fifteen minutes later I went downstairs to the canteen to check if my food was ready. It was covered, warm and ready to be served so I went over to one of the vacant tables that wasn’t directly in front of the head-numbing air conditioner. I bumped into a junior colleague whom had just finished eating lunch and was on his way out. As he was still chewing what seemed to be a stubborn piece of goat meat, I asked him how his lunch was. He gave me a ‘thumbs up’, probably because he didn’t want to respond with his mouth full.

With that sign of approval I was really looking forward to my meal. Apparently he had the same thing I was about to have – Eba and Ewedu with stew (Pounded Cassava with a watery vegetable soup topped with a peppery tomato gravy). Most of my colleagues had already had their lunch earlier so I was sitting at a table all by myself…at first. I attacked the first wrap of Eba and had gulped down half of the Ewedu soup, which I must say was deeeeeeelicious. The best thing about Ewedu soup is that it is so plain and thin that you wouldn’t expect to see anything other than liquified green leaves with no extras. But as I poked my fork into the bowl of soup again I pulled out my guest whom I had been dining with all this while. It was a baby roach.

Well I say it was a ‘baby roach‘ but this 1-inch, 6 legged, lifeless insect was more like a teenager – any bigger and it would have been a ‘cockroach‘ complete with wings! I immediately lost my appetite. I dropped the roach and my side plate and called the canteen attendants. I would love to say that I took advantage of this classic ‘Waiter, Waiter, what is this roach doing in my soup?’ moment and then I got the response ‘Looks to me like the breaststroke, sir!’…but sadly, that wasn’t what happened. The canteen attendant was shocked. I left the food in disgust and went back upstairs to continue punching (rather aggressively) on my keyboard. Some minutes later the chief chef came up to me and the old lady began to beg for my forgiveness. If ‘forgiveness’ meant saying ‘apology accepted’ then that was alright. But if it meant that I was to continue patronizing her cuisine then she had another thing coming!If I wanted roach soup for lunch then I guess things would have worked out perfectly. She stood by my side for about 5 minutes begging but I just wanted to get on with my work without her encroaching my territory.

The fact that I have a phobia for cockroaches, also known as Katsaridaphobia (fearofstuff.com), doesn’t make matters any better. I can recall an article I wrote in 2009 on the same issue where I made this perfectly clear.  In the end, the chef wanted to give me a free drink as some kind of peace offering.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s a nice lady but I didn’t like her approach. Was a can of malt really going to make a difference?  I think a bottle of Dettol would have been more appropriate, don’t you think?

How many cockroaches can you see?

How I increased traffic on my blog (Part I)

I woke up this morning and decided to attend the 7 o’clock service at my local Anglican church. There the Vicar explained the essence of Boxing Day – a tradition celebrated on December 26th whereby excess gifts (including food) are ‘boxed’ and sent to people in need. In a similar vein I published this post as a gift to readers who would like to see a significant rise in the number of visitors to their blogs/websites.

I have come across various tips from numerous sites on the Internet, including WordPress. However, I will only highlight tips that have worked for me on my blog, The Crazy Nigerian.

 

1. Write about a popular ‘niche’ topic

Last week I was pleasantly shocked to discover that my blog had received 352 views – the highest number of views ever on this blog in one day. There was widespread talk and forwarded text messages about vacancies at a giant Telecom company in Nigeria – Airtel. However there was also controversy about the authenticity of a particular website being used for submitting job applications. What did I do? I wrote about it. 

 

The results not only showed that there is a high level of job seekers but also that the topic is of significant interest to a niche of people. Writing about a popular topic and writing about a popular ‘niche’ topic are two different things. Popular topics are published by a greater proportion of writers and so your post/article is less likely to appear in a top 10 search on Google. When writing a popular ‘niche’ topic on the other hand consider the following:

  • Using a catchy title for your article/pos (consisting of keywords likely to be used in search engines)
  • Including relevant links in your articles/content that would give the reader further information
  • Writing about the topic while it is still generating public interest
  • Prior research in order to provide a relatively holistic view on the topic