Facebook, Instagram & WhatsApp are down

I can bet that in the last 3 hours this has been the most popular topic trending the globe. At about 4.22pm today GMT+1 I noticed that my WhatsApp messages were sent but not getting delivered. Like any normal person I thought it might have been that my mobile data had expired or that my home wifi needed a reboot. But I later discovered I wasn’t the only one experiencing connectivity issues. My friend whom I called experienced the same problem on his WhatsApp. I went to Instagram and it was not loading. That’s when I went online and got a better glimpse of the scale of the problem:

Source: downdetector.com

Since Facebook, WhatsApp and Instagram were all down I decided to find out what was happening in the news:

Source: CNN

And next I was curious to find out what was trending on Twitter in Nigeria and of course I wasn’t surprised:

Source: twitter.com

Whilst I’m sure that this issue will be resolved (eventually) it does make you wonder what effect this downtime is having on people and businesses. WhatsApp has assured subscribers that the issue is being worked on:

I can imagine people being forced to use other alternatives to chat in the interim; SMS, RCS, MS Teams, etc. My heart goes out to everyone celebrating birthdays today who were looking forward to getting likes, comments and messages. For others, this downtime might mean a chance to finally get up to stretch the legs and go for that long-suppressed wee.

Hopefully this incident will remind us of how dependent we’ve become on technology and for us to ALWAYS have alternatives to EVERYTHING in life so you’re not caught unawares or left in the dark.

Do let me know what your experience has been today not having access to Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp for a number of hours? I would love to hear from you ūüôā

How to make a Chapman drink

For as long as I can remember there has been this fascination with the large red cocktail more commonly pronounced by the average Nigerian as ‘Shapman’. It has become synonymous with the popular orders made at our local Chinese restaurants, Recreational Clubs and more recently, weddings (though our wedding planners are notorious for being extremely selective with Chapman distribution – I‚Äėve never been offered any to date). Its origin is arguably in Nigeria but no one knows for sure. It isn‚Äôt necessarily expensive to buy (between N300 and N1000, i.e. $6 max.) nor is it difficult to make. But I think I know why there‚Äôs such a fuss over this bitter-sweet refreshment – it just tastes so damn good!

Today I’m running a small Chapman factory in my apartment (okay, not really but I do make them rather frequently) and I want to share the recipe for you to enjoy. Learn how to make Chapman is 6 easy steps!:

CHAPMAN RECIPE FOR 1 PERSON

  1. Get a large tumbler/glass mug (necessary if you want to make your Chapman-experience last a bit)
  2. Fill the glass halfway with ice cubes
  3. Pour a capful of Grenadine or any blackcurrant cordial into the glass (for that red glow)
  4. Pour in 2shots of Bitters РAny bitters you can find but you can also use Campari (In Lagos, Angostura Bitters is available at Goodies for N3,200).
  5. Pour in equal amounts of…believe it or not…Fanta and Sprite then mix it up
  6. Throw in a slice of lemon, garnish with a cucumber slice and dip-in a bendy straw
  7. Sip slowly and try not to hum too much as your taste-buds go into a frenzy.
  8. If you enjoyed this article show your appreciation by leaving a comment, or clicking on @dcrazynigerian and following me or sending a thank you mail to dcrazynigerian@gmail.com  . Thank you for your support!

Well there you have it. Simple, isn‚Äôt it? So the next time you‚Äôre sitting by your computer and one of your (anti-social) friends sends you a mouth-watering cocktail‚Ķvia Facebook, make a Chapman to quench that insatiable thirst your ‚Äėfriend‚Äė created (remember to do point 7 ^^)‚Ķand then proceed to delete that friend from your Friend list (optional).

CHAPMAN RECIPE FOR 100 people

You’d need the following (if you are serving in small plastic cups):

Р1.5 litres of Ribena/Blacurrant cordial/Grenadine (about 1 big table spoon poured at the base of each cup)
– 50 cans of Sprite (half of each can poured into a cup)
– 50 cans of Fanta (half of each can poured into a cup)
– 10 medium lemons (each sliced in 10, making 100 slices)
– 10 medium cucumbers (each sliced into 20 and served two pieces per cup)
Р4 bottles of Alomo bitters or 3 bottles of Angosturra bitters (a capful poured into each cup)
– Probably 500 ice cubes equivalent (cheaper if you have ice trays at home. 5 cubes per cup)
– 100 bendy straws.
– Mixers (long plastic stirrers) are optional as you can use the straws to mix the drinks

N.B ‚Äď If you use large mugs instead of plastic cups then use 100 cans of Sprite and 100 cans of Fanta¬†(1 can of Sprite and Fanta per mug). Everything else remains the same.

The Tipping Point

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The tipping point is that magic moment when an idea, trend, or social behavior crosses a threshold, tips, and spreads like wildfire.‚ÄĚ ‚Äē¬†Malcolm Gladwell,¬†The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference   Whilst I haven’t read what … Continue reading

Time to tweak my 2011 resolution

Happy New Year! Welcome to my first post in 2012. I’ve delayed this post¬†for long enough and despite having the worst, chesty¬†cough in medical history (or what I prefer to call ‘a¬†phlegm fest’), coupled with a double-cancellation on a confirmed flight booking¬†which forced me to endure a 7-hour spacebus ride on pothole-riddled roads back to Lagos, I’ve summoned enough strength and sanity to finally grace my keyboard and serve you yet another crazy article (Don’t worry, Air Nigeria; I’ll be suing your asses right after I hit the ‘Publish’ button).

Last year I made a couple of resolutions and now I thought it best to fine tune them so they’re a bit more…well…feasible. I don’t see the point in saying, for example,¬†‘This year I¬†am going to quit smoking’ and then by¬†January 10th you’re frantically¬†ransacking your apartment for that ’emergency¬†cigarette’; you know, the one you consciously hid on the same day you made that resolution, just in case. Anyway, here’s a peek at¬†updates for my new year resolution:

2011: Go out more
2012: Go out more than once a week or else I’ll end up only having online friends and virtual cocktails/events on Facebook

2011: Do exercise
2012: Do exercise only when my reckless bingeing is an inch from taking its toll on my belly, or I can just stick to believing that Love Handles actually come from Cupid.

2011: Open a couple more saving accounts
2012: Open a couple more saving accounts and actually put money into all of them to avoid the painstaking ordeal of reactivating dormant accounts.

2011: Learn another language
2012: Learn another language when I can ascertain that some of the side talk (from suspicious colleagues speaking that other language) is about me.

2011: Date young women
2012: Date young women and confirm from their siblings or online yearbooks whether they are definitely not 5 years younger or older than I am.

2011: Wear my heart on my sleeve
2012: Wear my heart on my sleeve as far as special cufflinks are concerned.

2011: Finish writing my book
2012: Finish writing my book even if I can only manage a hundred pages and it’s mostly a compilation of every embarrassing (but strangely entertaining) moment in my life.

I’ll spare you any further insights to my resolutions for fear of possible adoption and replication. This year, try to keep your resolutions…and if you can’t do that then keep your sanity. Now, where’s that Air Nigeria Customer Complaint line…

5 things Google couldn’t find

In the world of search engines Google is rumoured to be king. ‘Googling’ has become an accepted terminology for describing¬†the process of¬†performing an online search (Though I’m still baffled when I hear some people pronounce the search engine as ‘Goggle’). I have used Google¬†judiciously and I must say that I wish I made use of it whilst doing my research at university (I was¬†a ‘Netscape-come-Lycos’ loyalist then). I usually don’t have to go beyond the first page whenever I carry out¬†a Google search. That said, I would like to challenge Google with the following searches:

1. Where to buy a winning Lotto Ticket¬†– This may come across as being a little greedy but I still think it’s a valid search. Google should be able to narrow down its search results: from the continent in the world with the highest volume of lotto winners right down to the exact location of the shop where the most winning tickets were bought. I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt to have some facts and figures before coughing out¬†¬£1 to buy a lotto ticket in probably the unluckiest part of the UK, for instance. Google! Make me rich!

2.¬†¬†Email addresses of Celebrities¬†– Haven’t¬†you ever wanted to send an email to your favourite¬†celebrities? I could ask¬†Oprah Winfrey¬†if she would¬†ever make a comeback, or¬†ask¬†Eminem¬†if he could reserve a backstage pass for¬†me or¬†ask Kim Kardashian¬†if she often gets mistaken for Nicole Scherzinger¬†of the Pussycat¬†Dolls. I know, I know, we have to respect people’s privacy¬†blah, blah, blah.¬†But how much energy would it take for¬†Rhianna to click on my email and mark it as spam if she didn’t like it? She might just¬†reply¬†if she’s curious enough to¬†know if I’m as crazy as she is! Google! Gmail can go one step further so get me connected!

3.¬†Osama Bin Laden¬†– Does anyone remember how for over a decade nobody could find America’s one time most wanted terrorist and extremist who was behind the 9/11 attacks of 2001, despite the presence of the best US Intelligence, every money-hungry bounty hunter in the world, and all the sophisticated satellites in outer space?¬†I remember when President Obama finally eliminated Osama, which made George bush cry (and that reminds me of when Obama was elected as America’s first black president, which made Jesse Jackson cry). Google! Fine-tune your Google Map application pronto!

4. My Enemies РWhen you want to find friends via the internet Google suggests Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Hi5, Friendster, etc. When you want to know who your enemies however you currently have to rely on: gossip, unreturned phone calls, bad business deals, bounced cheques, Facebook deletions, etc (but I prefer to rely on good old prayer). Google! Start working on an application, Google Enemy-Finder!  

5.¬†My perfect match – I’m sick and tired of hearing about Matchmaking sites (not that I use them…although I’m sure¬†mentioning them could suggest otherwise to readers). I’m not condemning these sites¬†but I think it could take some time after registering, paying a few bucks and¬†having to go through a gruelling process of trial and error only¬†to find out your love interest is a distant cousin.¬†Why can’t Google zero-in on¬†the person who has recently searched for you and has all the qualities¬†you¬†desire? In fact, Google could go one step ahead of Facebook¬†and¬†develop an app:¬†Googlove¬†– where member A¬†sends a confidential request¬†listing all¬†the full names of people¬†they want to date, namely member B, C, and D,¬†and the¬†app only returns a match when¬†member B also lists member A. Make sense?¬†I guess¬†real-life dating will have to do for¬†now. Google! Thanks but I’ll have to find¬†true love¬†using the best search engine – God ūüôā

Damn you spam!

I cherish my Sundays – Church at 7am; breakfast around 10am (full English, of course); Siesta from 12pm till my stomach¬†begins to grumble for lunch; and all the cable TV my¬†four-eyes can handle thereafter. You can therefore imagine my bewilderment when at about 6pm I got a tweet on my blackberry from a friend claiming he saw a hilarious picture of me that made him ‘ROTF’ (to which I blurted out, ‘WTF!’).

The first thing I panicked about was whether there was some scandalous picture of me floating about on the web.¬†Was I possibly¬†completely naked or even worse, half-naked? (like being caught with your pants down doing a¬†‘number 2’). Could some scorned ex-girlfriend be wreaking her revenge¬†online? Had someone hacked into my Facebook¬†account (again!) and gone flickr-happy¬†with my photos? The suspense was killing me;¬†that’s why I stupidly clicked on the link/url at the end¬†of my friend’s tweet. Big mistake!

Beknown to me, I had just clicked my way into a big world of sh*t. What appeared as a twitter login page was actually a spamming site that was designed to fool¬†donkeys like me. 30 minutes later some of my¬†twitter contacts¬†were sending me messages saying they can’t see the picture. Next¬†thing I saw were tweets from myself bragging about how I made $300 online using ‘this amazing software’; and a few minutes later I was tweeting about how I lost 10kg¬†in 2 weeks¬†– that’s when it finally dawned on me that my twitter profile had been hacked…hee-haw!

Against my own will I decided to change my profile name and password before all my followers blocked my tweets. I can’t say that it has worked but only time will tell…

Crazy_Nigerian:¬†This is the cool site I’ve¬†been searching for that allows you to view the exact geographical location of all your¬†Facebook, twitter, blackberry and i-phone¬†pals on the map absolutely free! Just click here http://you.must.be.an.idiot¬†¬†¬†

A word is enough for the wise!

Entry #34 – Homewreckers

fingerLadies and Gentlemen, an invasion is upon us! In the 21st century a new evil has befallen planet earth. The shape-shifting creatures of the damned lurk into your very households whilst you watch the news, sip your tea, and ¬†pick your nose. These venemous scum leach unto the married couples of our time and cause havoc and destruction in a systemmatic manner. They are more commonly known as…¬†Homewreckers

So how do you know if you’ve been stung by a homewrecker? When¬†she notices a hotel receipt in his jacket and¬†she hasn’t been to one with him…ever. When¬†he stumbles across¬†his wife’s missing earring by the couch in¬†his best friend’s apartment. When¬†she looks through his mobile phone and¬†she reads the text/SMS, ‘I can’t wait to see you again.Same time tomorrow?’¬†

Maybe that’s all a bit too obvious. What about bad drinking¬†habits, gambling, drug addiction,¬†Job loss,¬†Ponzi schemes and¬†hard earned stocks & investments taking a nose dive? What about family ties? Blood¬†is thicker than water, right? What if your mother-in-law¬†(who’s a pain-in-the-neck) comes to live with you? ‘NO WAY!’ I hear you say? What if your¬†partner doesn’t want you to put¬†her in an old people’s home?¬†What then?

But I guess the most deceptive and destructive¬†of all the Homewreckers is the Internet…and the blogworld plays a massive part alongside Facebook, Ebay and¬†Free Porn.¬†Guys who spend more time clicking the mouse than kissing the spouse soon become victims of a home about to be bulldozed, metaphorically speaking.

CrazyNigerian’s Final Thought: Fellow bloggers, if you have a partner then spend less time blogging. And if you don’t have a partner…spend¬†less time blogging ūüôā

Entry #10 ‚Äď Unfaithful

I have to come clean on this because it‚Äôs been eating me deep inside. I used to have an affair with Facebook. It was fun at first ‚Äď the pics, the applications, the groups, and of course friends from my teenage years. But recently I‚Äôve been seeing WordPress.com. She seems to understand me better. She gives me everything I need (widgets, stats, HTML shortcuts) to make me happy. I‚Äôve introduced some of my friends to her and they like the effect she‚Äôs had on me. Sometimes when I‚Äôm busy at work she gathers up all the statistical data I need to analyze my blog performance. I hope Facebook can understand. It‚Äôs nothing personal but I can‚Äôt change how I feel. We can still be friends and I‚Äôll visit once in a while‚Ķbut I‚Äôm with WordPress.com now ‚Äď no hard feelings FB J¬† ¬†