An MJ parody: Blood on the dance (Part 2)


You spin her around and then you both put on an electrifying, neomodern salsa-type of performance.The uproar from the crowd is unprecedented. You catch a glimpse of some beautiful ladies biting their bottom lips. Some are winking at you and pouting … Continue reading

What kind of friend are you?


that one friendWhether you like it or not your friends see you in a certain way; you could be either at the top or the bottom of their priority list, you could be the last thought on their mind before they go to bed or the first thought that makes them want to let out a torrent of abuses, or you could be the one who they think of going out of their way for to buy a birthday gift or the one whom they can’t even be bothered to drop an ‘HBD’ one-liner on your Facebook page wall (is that what they call it these days?). It all begs the question ‘What kind of friend are you to your friends?’

1. The Hangout friend – Some of your friends might just see you as the one they call when they want to have a good time at the restaurant, club, bar, ice-skating rink, movies (you get my drift). A night on the town is fun with you (and a night on the prowl is equally fun with you). They don’t see you as indoor person and you’re usually the same person they turn to for advice on hangout spots and 9 outta 10 you’re the one who plans get-togethers for your friend circle.

2. The Make out friend – You may have a friend or two who don’t want to be in a serious, committed relationship but still want to be able to kiss and caress you every time from time to time. A more common term used to describe this arrangement is ‘Friends with benefits’ and ‘No strings attached’. Whether or not they want to be seen in public with you is an entirely separate matter. You’ll find that if you’re this type of friend to someone it doesn’t usually last long…or at least one of you gets into a relationship.

3. The Handout friend – Your friends would looooooooove you if you were this type of friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? Every time you all go out the drinks are on you. You have dinner and the bill is on you. You throw parties every now and again where your friends are not compelled to bring so much as a complimentary bottle of wine (cheapskates!). Best (or worst) of all they see you as the person they can ask for soft loans or what I like to call N.G.P.B loans (‘Never Gonna Pay Back’ loans). Note: They will definitely be coming round for Christmas!

4.The Opt out friend – Maybe you’re the one who likes to always turn down invitations to weddings, parties, church functions, dinners, etc. You’re the one who never wants to contribute money to any group investment where you all stand to benefit. You’re more than likely to receive fewer invitations as time goes by (and then you’re dependent on social media for updates on what your friends are up to).

5.The No doubt friend – To some of your friends you could be seen as the one whom they can count on no matter what. Are they stranded in the Kalahari desert? You’ll be quick to the rescue. Are they in dire need of a kidney donor? You’re already taking your shirt off and jumping on the operating table. Once you’re around everyone around you has peace of mind knowing full well that you are in control, you are dependable and you are solid as a rock. Everyone needs to have at least one friend like this but they’re hard to come by.

6. The Mad about friend – It could be that you’re so loyal, eloquent, well-dressed, good-looking, fun to be with, the one who can do no wrong – if that’s you then you’re probably no. 1 on their priority friends list. They’re borderline obsessed with you and in extreme cases you have to beat them off with a stick. They want to be in all your business all the time.

7.The Talk about friend – Now if you’re this type of friend it could be a hit or miss. If you’re up to no good they’ll be talking about you and spreading exaggerated rumours. You probably refer to them as haters. On the other hand, if you’re trail blazing and moving on up in life they will be speaking well of you and even boasting that they know you personally (persona-personally – Naija peeps will get this). You don’t have to be a celeb to be this kind of friend. Just keep doing controversial stuff and you’re bound to get your friends’ attention.

8. The Inside Out friend – Are you the friend that knows everything about your friends? You know their birthdays, their strengths and weaknesses, their phobias and pet peeves, and so much more than they could ever know about themselves. You have to be someone who is trustworthy for your friends to be able to divulge their deepest, darkest secrets.

9. The Time Out friend – Your friends turn to you when they’ve had a long, stressful day or they’ve just come out of a nasty break-up or they want to just escape from the seriousness of life for a moment and just chill out with you. When the going is good they may not be in touch very much but once things start to go a bit ‘Pete Tong’ your phone number is right on their fingertip.

It’s quite possible to be one or even all of these friend types to your various friends. Which friend do you think you are to most of your friends? 🙂

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First Blood: The dance-off


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You and your geeky friends are at a nightclub chatting away about Sylvester Stallone movies and then suddenly you can see ‘her’ looking at you from across the room. In fact, she’s been watching you all night. She’s all by herself in that … Continue reading

‘E’ is for Excuse

Excuse /ik-skyϋz/ noun. something offered as justification or as grounds for being excused; an expression of regret or failure to do something; a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offence (Sources: Google,  

Not everyone is skilled at making things, but you don’t need a lecturer to teach you how to make ‘excuses’ – that’s second nature to us. Everybody, at some time or the other, makes excuses but the ones that piss me off are those coming from people you care about.

Some of my good friends have given me very flimsy excuses. On one occasion, I had invited a couple of them over for food and drinks (I never even imposed that they bring a customary bottle of wine like Europeans do). I gave one month’s notice, a week’s notice and then finally a day’s notice. On D-day, however, one hour went by, and then two, yet no one had shown up to my shindig, which eventually turned out to be a shitdig (you dig?). Among the excuses were:

  • I have this wedding today but I’ll pass by afterwards
  • The traffic at my end is serious but I’m on my way
  • Is it today? I thought it was next Saturday!
  • I didn’t get your text, pity. Maybe some other time…
  • I’m waiting for my sister to bring the car back
  • Is anyone there yet? (I mean, seriously??? Would a ‘yes’ send you rushing down? Hang on…is that even an excuse? That’s a sneaky enquiry!)

I probably had more excuses lined up but I wasn’t ready to waste my valuable call credit hearing them. Needless to say, being a master of plan Bs, I simply called another bunch of friends the following weekend and I went from shitdig to shindiggity-do-dah! What a fuckin’ riot!

Excuses should be limited to places where they’re less likely to hurt a person in particular. For instance, the office gets a barrage of excuses which don’t directly hurt any one particular individual. Some of the popular ones I’ve heard include: ‘I had the runs’; ‘My car didn’t start’; ‘I had a flat tyre’; ‘There was an accident my way to work’; ‘I forgot my phone at home and had to go back’ etc. And when they start getting less creative, you got concise excuses such as ‘Family emergency’ (because no supervisor or boss usually wants to know all the gory details for possible fear of being asked for financial assistance).

I’ve often wondered, are excuses just creative lies or are they ever believed to be genuine (even when they are)? I’ve used them…I’ve used them a lot, unfortunately. All the times I’ve been invited to one function or the other, times when I was supposed to clean up my apartment, times when should have gone to the gym, times when I should have said a short prayer before starting my day…I’ve even delayed this post for a while and I have no excuse for that. To all those who plan on making their next excuse, consider the following: Would you like it if someone told you that same excuse? Are you sure you haven’t used the same excuse for the same person? What’s the worst that could happen if you say yes?

It’s late now. I want to go to bed. I feel I’ve written enough on this topic…well, like them or not, those are my excuses 🙂

See also D is for Desperado

Entry #10 – Unfaithful

I have to come clean on this because it’s been eating me deep inside. I used to have an affair with Facebook. It was fun at first – the pics, the applications, the groups, and of course friends from my teenage years. But recently I’ve been seeing She seems to understand me better. She gives me everything I need (widgets, stats, HTML shortcuts) to make me happy. I’ve introduced some of my friends to her and they like the effect she’s had on me. Sometimes when I’m busy at work she gathers up all the statistical data I need to analyze my blog performance. I hope Facebook can understand. It’s nothing personal but I can’t change how I feel. We can still be friends and I’ll visit once in a while…but I’m with now – no hard feelings FB J