thecrazynigerian.com is dead

Dear fans, spammers, followers and critics, it is with a deep sense of regret that I hereby announce the sudden and untimely death of www.thecrazynigerian.com due to my forgetfulness negligence. I was meant to renew my domain subscription sometime late last year and despite several reminders from WordPress I never followed up. It’s in no way a valid excuse (after all, nobody has to remind me to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and all the junk food in between). In the blogging community my actions should constitute a punishable offence because I’ve successfully managed to confuse my followers who may have wondered why my website is suddenly displaying this:

thecrazynigerian.com

Luckily enough the clown, who used to own ‘www.crazynigerian.com’ and was charging me hundreds of thousands of Naira to purchase it, obviously must have been negligent too. The moment the site name became available I scooped it up quicker than a Nigerian Street sweeper backing high-speed traffic on Third Mainland Bridge. So for the avoidance of doubt, my new site name and blog address is www.crazynigerian.com 

In other news, I’ve been keeping myself busy whilst my former blog got shut down. Here’s a few snapshots of things I’ve been up to:

crazynigerian teescrazynigerian at classicfm

crazynigerian at book festival

crazynigerian at book festival 2

Well there you have it – my past few months in pictures. The sequel, The Crazy Nigerian Returns is currently in production and promises to live up to readers’ expectations. Here’s a toast to the new blog address and to more funny/crazy articles like before. Bye bye thecrazynigerian.com, hello crazynigerian.com!

Teaser: Taken from the series, Think Like A Man, End up Without One by @Livelytwist with my little contribution…

Let’s just get right down to the critical issue here, thinking. Men think. Women think too much, quote me on that. It’s not a bad thing until a man has had a single thought and moved on, and a woman is still having several thoughts about his single thought, long after.

Take for instance the following scenario. A young man and his girlfriend are enjoying a hearty meal and each other’s company at a fast food restaurant, when a stunning woman walks past. The man may think one of two things: what she’ll look like naked or what she’ll be like in bed. His girlfriend on the other hand may think many things including several variations of what her man was thinking about some seconds ago.

Paranoia could follow her dangerous thought process. His eyes lingered a little too longHe must like herHe said he likes women with assets and hers are bigger. Meanwhile the man has resumed munching his burger. His girlfriend on the other hand, has moved from paranoia to “casual” interrogation—“She’s very attractive isn’t she?” Wise men know this is a trap and the correct answer for peace to reign is, “I only have eyes for you, dear.” But if he loves you, why worry?

When it comes to love, less brain, more heart, or else a woman may just chase that man away. Men dislike wahala jo! – @dcrazynigerian

Recession blues: 5 Effects of dating now in Nigeria

It’s been nothing but doom and gloom in the 4th quarter of 2016 for Nigeria. The buying power of the Naira keeps shrinking faster than the egos of expired Viagra users. As at today 1 Naira is equal to 315.75 (Source: Google). For me, this translates to less of the wants and focusing more on the needs. But when you’re in a relationship it’s not always that simple. It’s no longer just about you but about somebody else too. So in order for you not to become the victim of a bad romance I have listed five effects of dating in the recession which you can look out for and handle without straining your relationship.

1. Pocket management:

During the recession you have to become economical with romantic gestures that cost a lot of money. Gone (or few) are the days that you splurge on Debonair Pizza for all your close friends and leave a N1,000 tip for the sales girl. With recession comes the era of scaling down to Dominos Pizza and buying that medium size pizza for you and your partner only. Spa treatments can be less regular and maybe your partner should consider going ‘au naturale’ with her hair so you don’t get lumbered with expensive extensions for your future ex.

2. Fragapanophobia:

Or Natalophobia is the irrational fear of one’s birthday, though in this context the fear is more specifically of having to buy your partner a gift. It costs money and depending on your partner’s taste, lots of it. As a matter of fact, once you’re in a relationship during this recession, festive days like birthdays, Valentine’s day, Christmas day and your one month or five months or 1 year anniversary just appear like skits of a horror movie titled, ‘The Bleeding Bank Account’ (printed in red blood, of course and starring YOU).

3. Data appreciation:

I don’t mean appreciation in the value of Internet data! (I’d be so lucky. The opposite was recently rumoured to be the case). I mean appreciating data over voice calls. With a fixed data subscription you can chat with or video call your partner as much as you like without spending your life savings on endless purchases of airtime top-up. An understanding partner would appreciate this substitution. Couples need to KISS (Keep It Short & Sweet) when it comes to voice calls. The amount of texts and images/video clips you send via Internet data is only limited by your data plan.

4. Heated arguments: 

When you find that your finances are reducing faster than usual and that your salary can no longer afford things like before, you can get emotional. Emotions of anger tend to be quite common in these instances. It’s best not to bottle up these emotions from the onset. If the level of spending in your relationship is a concern then mention it early. Don’t wait till your partner asks you to buy a flight ticket before you throw a tantrum. Be open about what you can and cannot afford. If your partner cares about you then he or she will understand.

5. Recession vs oppression: 

It can be quite annoying when you’re with your couple outdoors in a club somewhere and you notice a similarly cool-looking couple sitting in the VIP section downing Hennessy XO while you’re in your humble corner with your partner sipping slowly on ‘Lemon-flavoured carbonated water served on the rocks’ aka Sprite with ice cubes. There’s a popular saying we have in Nigeria – Cut your coat according to your size. In other words, spend on what you can afford and don’t try to be like anyone else. You don’t have to compete. You don’t know what they are into (probably MMM, who knows?).

In summary, during this recession you and your partner need to communicate a lot more than ever before. Things are hard and will get tougher in the coming year for Nigerians. But if we learn to manage our expenses and make alternative lifestyle changes, then relationships do not have to be avoided. That said, I hope you’ve saved up for a Christmas present 😉

Recession effect on dating couple (Image credit: blog.conqueryourdebt.org)

Out of my hiatus and into the hot seat

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Hello everyone! I’ve been asked quite a number of awkward questions in recent times and thought it would be fun to share them along with my responses: **Why are you still single?** a) My perspective – Short of saying, ‘Why … Continue reading

Scenario Sunday: The Shortlist

Source: huffingtonpost.co.uk‘Becky had every reason to be the happiest woman in the world. And why wouldn’t she be? She had the perfect husband. He was caring, affectionate and sensitive to her needs and wants. He was always there when she needed him and there was a mutual trust between them. He trusted her so much that he gave her access to all his bank accounts and even gave her some of his debit cards and credit cards, complete with PIN Continue reading

The ‘sin’ in ‘being single’

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Being single can be summarized perfectly in one word which I choose to shout fervently like Mel Gibson in Braveheart – “…FREEDOM!” However there is a school of thought that dictates that at a certain age in life it’s a … Continue reading

5 Signs that he does not love you anymore

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If Love was an ‘unboiled’ egg…then you’d agree that it should be handled very delicately. The problem is that the ‘egg’ has to be borne by two partners; each trying to protect the egg. If care is not taken and … Continue reading

7 Simple things men want in women

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I like to think Life isn’t complicated; PEOPLE are. That’s why relationships can easily become strained when trivial issues arise; take for instance, leaving the toilet seat up (Ladies, which would you prefer – He raises up the seat to … Continue reading

The thing about finding Prince Charming

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EP 2 – The thing about finding Prince Charming Whenever I hear the word ‘Prince’ my mind flashes back (for some strange reason) to the popular BBC TV series ‘The Prince and the Pauper’ starring the talented Mr. Ripley Nicholas Lyndhurst. Of course, … Continue reading

5 Reasons Why Married Men Don’t Wear The Ring

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Warning: This article may upset the ‘lovey dovey’ women (you know, the Cinderella-happily-ever-after-romcom-sex-and-the-city-bridget-jones-diary types) who believe wedding rings must be worn at all times after the marriage ceremony is long over. On the other hand, this article may simultaneously excite … Continue reading

The A-Z of Relationships – Part 2

These days you can’t blame paranoid couples for wanting to throw in nuptials (especially when one of them is filthy rich!). But if there’s a good sense of trust between the two lovers then they could go on to explore the depth of their intimacy and hope to stumble upon an orgasm or two if they’re lucky. Then just when you least expect it, one of you becomes pregnant. Nine months down the line you start asking yourself some serious questions like ‘Will I be a good father/mother?’ ‘Am I going to be able to cope with all the baby expenses?’ or if there’s been suspected infidelity, ‘Why does this baby look like my gardener?’ Life starts becoming a mundane routine involving nappy changing, baby feeding and ‘gaga-googoo’ talking. Years go by and suddenly you catch an infection more commonly known as the seven-year itch. Left untreated, this could spell disaster for even the most compatible relationships. Love seemingly turns sour and tension begins to build up whenever you’re on the same bed. Sex is a thing of the past and your mind is clouded with uncertainty as to whether you have become less attractive (or plain grotesque) to your other half. Such desperate times may cause the man to turn to drugs…Viagra, to be precise (although, if the problem is too many kids then we could be talking Vasectomy instead). Women don’t get off that easy as they also have to play their own part in ‘keeping things up’ – Wondebra takes care of that. The desired outcome would be to rekindle the flame and seal the deal with more frequent XOXOs (hugs and kisses). As your energies combine, you both realize you can’t exist without each other; he’s your Yin and she’s your Yang. When you’re both in your seventies and having sex, your passionate oooh’s and aaah’s will soon become uncontrollable Zzzzzzzzzz’s… 

See also The A-Z of Relationships Part 1