Not Suit-able for the Crazy Nigerian


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Patience isn’t one of my strong suits but I’ve been forced in recent times to take a crash course from none other than my last tailor fashion designer. Once upon a time (time time) my fashion designer came by recommendation. I … Continue reading

The M.A.D Awards 2016

meWelcome to the M.A.D Awards 2016!!!, where one lucky winner will receive the prestigious Most Annoying Dude/Dudette Award for being a thorn in Tonwa’s side. Yes you are reading this correctly – people could be rewarded for raising Tonwa’s blood pressure. Everything you read here is somehow linked to making Tonwa angry. I’m your host Tpri, reporting to you live from Eko Hotel where the car park is at full capacity and guests on the sidelines are eagerly waiting for the nominees to arrive.
Now for those of you who are watching this show for the first time the (fictional) MAD Awards premièred in 2008 receiving critical acclaim and producing its first ever winner – Tonwa’s Driver. It was unable to hold in 2009 after it was leaked that the Oil-pipeline- vandalizing Niger Delta militants were nominated for a MAD award; they got extremely hostile. In 2010 when the brouhaha was over the award ceremony was back with a vengeance and a new winner emerged – Tonwa’s Shouting Neighbour. In 2011 the federal government was rumoured to be worried about becoming a guaranteed nominee for the next four MAD award ceremonies so they pulled the plug on the show. A series of legal battles ensued but no victory came until Oscar Pistorius’ lawyer was hired in late 2015.
This year the MAD Awards is bigger and better, with mega sponsors including DSTV, Arik, NNPC and Patience Jonathan. The crowd has waited for 3 hours and even the paparazzi are getting tired of holding up their cameras. But wait! I think see the 2010 MAD award winner with her offensive full gold weave. Let’s go over and talk to her:
Tpri: Excuse me, are you Tonwa’s Shouting Neighbour?
SN: Yes o! How na, my brother?
Tpri: I’m fine thank you. I’m sure you’re glad to be one of the special invited guests.
SN: Hmm. Tonwa did not invite me. I just…ARISTO! ARISTO! COME HERE! WHERE’S PIPI???
Tpri: Er…Aristo? Pipi?
SN: That’s my son Aristotle and he is supposed to be looking after his sister Penelope. Anyway I have designer shoes if you want to buy.
Tpri: Shoes? But isn’t that your son running off towards the hotel exit gate?
SN: OOOOOH! ARISTO! I’m coming please, let me bring the shoes from my car…
All the guests have simmered down and are seated in the auditorium for the behind-the-scenes documentary of the MADA nominees on the big screen. Let’s hear what they have to say:
1. NNPC MD – I have given Tonwa a hard time for the last 4 weeks with my petrol scarcity scam…I mean scheme. I have burdened him with the additional responsibility of putting two jerrycans in his boot and joining mile-long queues with an average waiting time of 2 hours minimum. On one occasion he was queuing at one of our filling stations and by the time it got to his turn the filling station switched off all the pumps and all the sales attendants closed for the night. I don’t know if his tank was empty or whether he was able to get home safely that night. One thing I do know is that he’s very angry about the whole situation but he’s not the only one suffering. If he wants to give me the award I’ll take it but he shouldn’t expect a miracle – after all, am I a magician?
2. Inconsiderate Pilot – Hello. Tonwa loves to travel. In fact, he likes the moment when the plane is taxiing down the runaway before take off. But on his last local trip returning from Abuja I forgot to put on the Air Conditioning. So while I was chilling in the cockpit his ‘cockpit’ was roasting. As a matter of fact he was drenched by the time we landed in Lagos an hour later. All the passengers experienced the same thing so I don’t know why he couldn’t just fan himself with the safety manual. And to make matters worse, this is the second time in a row it is happening to Tonwa. Pardon me but for confidential reasons I have been instructed by my employer not to disclose the name of the airline. But they don’t mind if I win the award…and hand it over to them.
3. Tonwa’s gateman – Oga Tonwa dey commot for house early early morning like around…5.30. That time I never wake up so him dey come knock my door before I open gate. I know say that tin for don tire am efriday. But the one way annoy am pass na when he won commot early early morning and one car dey block him for outside the gate. Walai that one be another froblem. Oga Tonwa talk say make I tell the driver to commot . Me sef come vex so I go outside and I tell am, ‘Hey! Move your foking car!’ Na so fight won start and that day Oga Tonwa no commot till almost 6. He shout for me well-well but him no understand wetin happen. Sha if you give me this award how much I fit sell am?
4. PHCN official – The light in Mr. Tonwa’s area had serious problems 2 months ago so he ended up throwing away everything in his freezer. He hates wasting money so he was very angry during that period. He also doesn’t like to use generator overnight so he can’t enjoy his AC. There was a day when he was shaving in the morning before work and I cut off his power supply (laughs) that day he still had half of his beard remaining. I’m sure he carried that half-beard to work that day because his generator was out of fuel. I do not enjoy making Tonwa angry but this is Naija. Anyway, if I don’t win this award I know where your power meter is…
5. Neighbourhood prostitute – Tonwa? Is that his name? Ok. He drives past my corner every morning on his way to work but when I call him ‘Sweetie’ he doesn’t answer me. I don’t even know whether it is me that is making him angry – he’s always frowning when I see him turning into the T-junction where I chill for customers. That is how one time like that he had one babe in his car and he slowed down to turn into his street. He pretended as if he didn’t see me when I shouted ‘Hey sweetie!’. The guy drove off with speed. But *switches to Pidgin English* nawa o…Tonwa na bad market. Him never patronize me for the last 4 years wey I dey this corner. Anyhow sha, shebi him name be ‘Tonwa’ so I go greet am tomorrow morning. Eh? Award ke? Na award I go chop? Mssssscheeeeew!
Now the votes are being counted so please stay tuned as we take a commercial break. You can send in your votes by posting your favourite nominee in the comments section so start voting. When we come back we will announce the winner of the MAD Awards 2016 so don’t go away!
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for voting. The results are in and it’s a landslide victory for a newcomer this year. And the winner is…
(Opens envelope)
…PHCN official!
Acceptance speech: Thank you everyone. First of all, I want to thank Baba God for my life, my job and the brain to do it. Cutting people’s light is not easy. You can get electric shock if you’re not careful. My advise to everyone is to work hard, pay your electricity bill on time and don’t depend on your generator too much otherwise you will buy black market. Tonwa is one of my best customers now. To my mum – this award is for you muah!
So we’ve come to the end of another edition of the MAD Awards. Stay tuned next year when we will return with more people who’ve made Tonwa’s life a living hell. This is Tpri signing off.

Senior High – 1st year

As the principal of International School Ibadan announced that the JSCE (Junior Secondary School Examination) results would be posted up in front of her office I felt nauseous. I wasn’t sure if it was bad luck to have already gotten trouser measurements done at my local tailor before the exam results were released. What if I didn’t make it through? My trousers would be bloody useless and I’d have to endure another year in I.S.I wearing a pair of A.H.Is (AssHole Irritants).  Girls had no problem because their blue-white striped dress/uniform didn’t have to look any different from junior to senior year. Thankfully I breathed a sigh of relief as I attained 2A’s and 5C in my 8subjects (I’m not mentioning what I got in Yoruba language). I vaguely remember jumping up and down like a deranged rottweiler that had a piece of meat dangled over its head. I proceeded to run into the nearby open field with fellow classmates who also sailed through the exams. We ran like we were being chased by… Rottweilers. I almost failed to take notice of the few guys whom we left behind moping at their inadequate grades and therefore bore long faces (okay, not like Rottweilers…more like Dobermen!)

Of course this next chapter in my school life called for a celebration. I took it upon myself to have a small get-together for my ‘Class of 1993’. Unfortunately I didn’t have an much more than the Naira equivalent of £10 back then which could just barely cater for about 20-30 guests max (I must have been nuts!). I invited 25 schoolmates to my cousin’s crib where I resided, about 60 eventually showed up and filled up almost every part of the house! I soon quickly realised that 48 bottled drinks (2 crates) would not quite cut the ‘3:1 guzzling ratio’ of my invitees. The 2 small coolers of cooked rice and chicken didn’t go round because I didnt plan for the following: Boarder boys and girls sneakings out of their hostels; Geeks/Nerds/Bookworms/Efikos gate crashing; and schoolmates from the set below mine (JSS3) also taking advantage of the fact that I did not have a bouncer to ‘man the door’. So I had geeks playing video games in the TV room, boarder girl escapees changing clothes in my cousin’s bedroom, boarder boys slow-dancing with girls in the living room whilst my Aunt was within the house. There was no DJ but just one raga tape being put on the loop courtesy of all the horny boys hoping to literally tap some ass from a slowdance. The 5kg cake and 2 tubs of ice-cream I had planned for dessert was not going to be able to feed THIS multitude. This wasn’t a get-together…this was a get-together-everybody-who-heard-about-this-party. I mean some of the guests there didnt even know my name or the fact that I was hosting this fiasco. To make matters worse, the girl I had a crush on was busy slowdancing with some guy I didnt even invite, Meanwhile I was busy trying to feed the hungry, entertain the bored, and save my shaky reputation all at the same time. I was glad when it was all over, to say the least. The house  survived with 2 shattered drinking glasses and a broken window lever. I on the other hand remained intact!

In an amazing twist of fate, I was hailed by the majority of my set for making a noble effort at throwing a shindig (which  I’d rather remember as a ‘shit-dig’). The geeks were even more grateful because they knew that they may never gain such easy access into a party again. I somehow became everybody’s pal…the one who didn’t discriminate…the one who didn’t stop the music and shout “ALL BOYS OUT!” and proceeded to reveal a list of boys who were not given the fake invitation cards…no, I wasn’t seen as cruel…I was Mr.Nice guy Subsequent parties got better and better (no thanks to me). I do remember one guy who threw a party but would have sooner thrown himself over a bridge after only 1 girl turned up amidst a house filled with over 15guys…a case of bad advertising? Well, the grub didn’t go to waste.

Ah yes, those grey trousers really were worth the 3 year-wait. I was ‘toasting’ girls a one class year or two below me and feeling pretty cool with my skinny self. I was later appointed by my principal as the school’s Health Prefect, though for the love of God I never found out what a health prefect was nor did I know what my responsibilities were supposed to be. I just made sure the sick bay was hygenic and wasn’t congested or saturated with students who were feigning illness. I was given a badge which I wore proudly like a sheriff. If only I went guns blazing a little less when it came to asking a girl, ‘Will you go out with me?…’

Entry #37 – My affair with 4 women

lipsWomen – a mystery to some, a weakness to many (men and lesbians, that is). I too have fallen prey to the clutches of the female species. I vaguely remember one particular woman who locked me down for about 9months. I felt trapped. I wanted to break free but at the same time I wanted to stay. I was so confused that I had to have a third party separate us. I actually cried my eyes out but today we’re still in touch and on good terms.

The second woman whose birthday was on 27th June (so if you’re reading this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!) was one whom I shared a Mr. & Mrs. Smith relationship with…literally. On one occasion she chased me round the house with an 8-inch kitchen knife – she couldn’t catch me though (phew!). We have an understanding now and we’ve learned to keep our distance – I’m in Nigeria, she’s in Great Britain…

The third woman who messed with my mind was like a brother to me…the brother I never had…actually, I wished she was a boy…okay I know how that can confuse you right now. You probably wondering, ‘…but I thought he liked women!’ I do…and I’m not bisexual either. Let me break it down: 1st woman – My mother; 2nd woman – my junior sister; 3rd woman – my baby sister.

Yes, my ‘affairs’ with all these women still continues and I’m not done yet. I mentioned ‘4 women’ in my post title. Well in 2010 the fourth woman I deeply love will be the one I’ll spend the rest of my life with…God willing 🙂

Entry #34 – Homewreckers

fingerLadies and Gentlemen, an invasion is upon us! In the 21st century a new evil has befallen planet earth. The shape-shifting creatures of the damned lurk into your very households whilst you watch the news, sip your tea, and  pick your nose. These venemous scum leach unto the married couples of our time and cause havoc and destruction in a systemmatic manner. They are more commonly known as… Homewreckers

So how do you know if you’ve been stung by a homewrecker? When she notices a hotel receipt in his jacket and she hasn’t been to one with him…ever. When he stumbles across his wife’s missing earring by the couch in his best friend’s apartment. When she looks through his mobile phone and she reads the text/SMS, ‘I can’t wait to see you again.Same time tomorrow?’ 

Maybe that’s all a bit too obvious. What about bad drinking habits, gambling, drug addiction, Job loss, Ponzi schemes and hard earned stocks & investments taking a nose dive? What about family ties? Blood is thicker than water, right? What if your mother-in-law (who’s a pain-in-the-neck) comes to live with you? ‘NO WAY!’ I hear you say? What if your partner doesn’t want you to put her in an old people’s home? What then?

But I guess the most deceptive and destructive of all the Homewreckers is the Internet…and the blogworld plays a massive part alongside Facebook, Ebay and Free Porn. Guys who spend more time clicking the mouse than kissing the spouse soon become victims of a home about to be bulldozed, metaphorically speaking.

CrazyNigerian’s Final Thought: Fellow bloggers, if you have a partner then spend less time blogging. And if you don’t have a partner…spend less time blogging 🙂

Entry #33 – Mystery Myths

pandaGrowing up (with a relatively unhealthy addiction to TV) I was under the strange impression that ALL chinese men could fight martial arts – I mean right from toddlers the moment they could walk, all the way to old timers right before they needed hip replacements. Even a fat China man who couldn’t bend over to touch his toes could still claim to have a black belt in Karate, Judo, Taekwundo and (after his  nightshifts as a club bouncer) is a part-time Ninja assassin…and you wouldn’t want to stick around to find out. Well actually who am I kidding – a fat China man doesn’t need martial arts knowledge…there’s always the Sumo option i.e. can’t fight ’em, sit on ’em.

I’ve wised up since then. I don’t believe the myth about the boogie man living underneath my bed. Who invented that crap name anyway? The Boogie man sounds like a mythological creature that comes out from under your bed alright when the lights are out and starts strutting like John Travolta to ‘Night Fever’ – whats there to be scared of? I’d like to see him dance me to death (er, I’d rather not actually).

What about the myth that all black guys are well-endowed? I’m an average black man but if I’m the only one getting those ‘enlargement’ emails in my junk box then there’ll be cause for concern. There’s the myth that blondes get the most attention – but is that with or without the silicon? How about aliens? Has anyone actually been to Area 51? I escaped from there years back and the U.S government has probably relocated the other aliens to avoid a case where I come back to infiltrate and expose the conditions ‘we’ were subjected to…you have no idea – what I went through would make captives in Guatanamo Bay look like they were on a fun-filled holiday retreat 😀

Entry #32 – Mouth to mouth

mouth2mouthWhat’s in a kiss? Saliva? Sure! That’s if it’s a wet kiss. But if your partner has gum problems or uses a very soft toothbrush then there’s probably some blood to go with that saliva (Urgh!). If you’ve just had dinner before that kiss then there’s probably a whole bunch of food particles swimming through a bloody saliva stream all the way down your oesophagus (okay, stay with me here). If your partner has protruding teeth then there are probably some braces to go with that slimy blood pool. Thinking about dry-kissing instead, eh? I don’t blame you.

I for one like to think that I’m a smooth kisser…you know, those sedative-type kisses that leave lips numbed to sleep. I believe a perfect kiss should be timed, literally. A kiss that lasts for 2 seconds is way too short and a kiss that lasts for 20secs can quickly become a drooling grueling task of endurance (c’mon, that’s a lot of bloody plaque saliva/exchange).

Anything between 10 and 15secs is ideal. With practice anyone can time a kiss…kinda like knowing your body-clock – you just instinctively know when to wake up sometimes. Tongue kissing should ALWAYS be avoided in the morning…yes, even if you’ve brushed the night before, downed a bottle of Listerine, chewed a pack of Wrigleys Extra and recently became the face of Macleans ads.

If your mouth is closed for over 5hrs after all that I’m willing to bet that your breath isn’t exactly a trip to the Alps (unless you sleep with your mouth open…but I’d be worried about what could crawl in). And the next time you save someone from drowning and you need to give him or her mouth-to-mouth please don’t stick your tongue in…that’s a tongue-in-cheek moment if I’ve ever heard of one 😉

Entry #31 – Rhianna vs Amy Winehouse

rvaThey’re both music artists and they are both critically-acclaimed in their own right. Though at first site they may seem very different, they’ve got quite a few similarities. Lets take a look at and then you can decide for yourself:

Both have sung about Rehab but only Amy has actually checked into one – When they tried to make her go Amy shouted ‘NO! NO! NO!’ and Rhianna shouted ‘ELLA ELLA, AY AY AY! But surprisingly it was Amy who got sent to rehab.

One isn’t black but can sing the blues while the other has been beaten black and blue.

One used to date Shia Lebouf and later released her hit single ‘Disturbia’ whilst the other would leave you in that state if you were dumb enough to date her.

Both wear make-up but one looks like she applied it whilst in a high-speed car chase.

Dabbling in Raga, Techno, R&B, ballads and Pop, Rhianna’s singing choice is all over the place. But Amy sticks to one music genre (It’s her hair that’s all over the place).

One has publishers ready to put her face on their magazines whilst the other has a boyfriend who is ready to put a magazine over her face.

Finally, both have been seen on-screen getting raunchy with fellow popstars – Rhianna with Justin Timberlake, and Amy Winehouse with (even I don’t believe it!) Eminem

Bravo ladies! Keep doing your thing 🙂

Entry #27 – The Anatomy of Vomit

When I woke up this morning I had no idea that I’d be writing about this – that is, until I heard a female colleague of mine at the office heaving away in the ladies restroom. It sounded like a cow being strangled with barbwire and at the same time being raped by a pig. The excruciating sounds gave me concern because this was far beyond food poisoning or choking on a McTasty (those burgers are HUGE!!! not available in Nigeria tho).

Now rumour has it that the ‘heaver’ was trying for a baby recently so could it be a simple case of morning sickness? You can never tell. Perhaps what’d be more interesting (for me) would be knowing what the vomit looked like – was it brown, yellow or a mixture of both? was it runny, chunky or clear like dog drool? was it pungent, ammonia-esque, or akin to a block of sour cheese which 3 days ago used to be the semi-skimmed milk for her cereal.

Well curiousity never really killed the cat, did it? In fact it’s the curiousity thats killing me. The images of vomit in my head (ok, that didn’t sound right) are probably worse than the actual thing. I’m off to the loo to find out 😛

Entry 25 – Wisecracks

I’ve just had one of those days where pretty much everything I heard, saw or felt could be linked to the word ‘shit’. On my way to work for instance, I was driving with a sore head and a runny nose so I obviously felt like shit. I was caught up in a stretch of road traffic partly caused by a diversion plus traffic caused by panick buying of petrol amidst scarcity scares. By the time I arrived, I looked at my watch and saw I was 30mins late and I simultaneously uttered, ‘Shit!’. The meeting I had with my boss and my marketing team was also pretty shit. We didn’t rake in a lot of funds today and couldn’t stop some customers from withdrawing huge sums for their personal use. It was like being at a Spanish Inquisition. As my boss went from questioning one marketer to another I couldn’t help but think that he also had the word, ‘shit’ on his mind – why wouldn’t I think so when he kept going to each person, ‘…so, what came out from your end today?’ ; )

…Shit ending wasn’t it? C’est la vie!