Why aliens need not bother coming to planet Earth

I got this idea from http://www.writingjug.com and I highly recommend you check out the blogger’s list of creative prompts and writing ideas – very useful for fellow bloggers who get hit with the ocassional writer’s block. I challenged myself to come up with a few pointers to convince an incoming alien from turning back and choosing another planet to settle in. I looked around and thought to myself, ‘If I don’t do a god job of scaring this particular alien away then I could jeopardize mankind as we know it!’ I had to write whatever I could to achieve this feat. This is what I came up with…

Greetings! I heard you were planning to stop by my planet but I just thought I’d warn you about a few important things for your own good:

1. Humans are very superficial. If you do not look ‘normal’ to them then you’ll probably be ignored, slighted or ill-treated. Humans tend to want to be in the in-crowd not the it-crowd. Green skin, 3-fingered hands and big black snake eyes aren’t welcome here and they wont get you into the Ritz-Carlton…but they’ll give you all access to Area-51.

2. We are generally filthy. We sweat. We spread mild viruses like common colds and also other more serious viruses through STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). We fart. We burp. We spit. We defecate and urinate anywhere and everywhere. Just imagine the stench in this planet. You’ll be wearing a gas mask 24/7

3. We are destructive. We already started f***ing up the ozone layer so before you know it this planet would be toasted. We also don’t know what to do with all our nuclear weapons so every now and again we do some testing and f*** up some part of the earth even more. I’m sure the terrorists will also give you a warm reception.

4. We have extreme weather. Hurricanes, Torrential rain, Snowstorms and Hailstorms…ALL THE TIME IN EVERY PART OF THE PLANET. Don’t get me started on the Earthquakes, Landslides, Floods and Forest fires. Earth is no safe haven.

5. Bad publicity. I’ve got to come clean on this. Apart from the movie ‘E.T’ (Extra Terrestrial) most of the subsequent depictions of you aliens have been…well…hostile. Examples are: Mars Attacks, Independence Day, Alien Triology, Species, Men In Black, etc, and I can go on forever. My bet is that if you show up here you will be executed…most probably by a man by the name of Will Smith.

6. You will get violated. Remember when I mentioned Area-51 earlier? If the US army officials capture you then I suspect they stuff instruments down your throat, in your eyes, up your ass, etc, just like one of your guys did to Roswell. You may call it rape but they will call it payback. You better bring some lube coz they wont provide you with any.

7. No social life. I don’t think you’ll be getting past any security at the nite clubs, not unless of course you zap them. But everyone would run away and you’ll be dancing all alone to no music (coz the DJ would’ve run off too). Unless you’re able to morph into a human replica then I don’t think you’ll be getting any hanky-panky around here.

8. No work life. You’ll probably be bored out of your mind with nothing to do. No one will employ you (I guarantee it!). How are you going to earn money? You could probably sell your spaceship on Ebay but you wont be able to return to your planet ever again. Don’t even think of applying for a credit card. They are strictly for working humans.

So there you have it. Planet Earth is not all what its hyped up to be. I hear Pluto is good this time of year and its over a million light years away from us (I think) so stop by there first and then you can check back (at least I will be dead by then :D).

Over and out.

Entry #33 – Mystery Myths

pandaGrowing up (with a relatively unhealthy addiction to TV) I was under the strange impression that ALL chinese men could fight martial arts – I mean right from toddlers the moment they could walk, all the way to old timers right before they needed hip replacements. Even a fat China man who couldn’t bend over to touch his toes could still claim to have a black belt in Karate, Judo, Taekwundo and (after his  nightshifts as a club bouncer) is a part-time Ninja assassin…and you wouldn’t want to stick around to find out. Well actually who am I kidding – a fat China man doesn’t need martial arts knowledge…there’s always the Sumo option i.e. can’t fight ’em, sit on ’em.

I’ve wised up since then. I don’t believe the myth about the boogie man living underneath my bed. Who invented that crap name anyway? The Boogie man sounds like a mythological creature that comes out from under your bed alright when the lights are out and starts strutting like John Travolta to ‘Night Fever’ – whats there to be scared of? I’d like to see him dance me to death (er, I’d rather not actually).

What about the myth that all black guys are well-endowed? I’m an average black man but if I’m the only one getting those ‘enlargement’ emails in my junk box then there’ll be cause for concern. There’s the myth that blondes get the most attention – but is that with or without the silicon? How about aliens? Has anyone actually been to Area 51? I escaped from there years back and the U.S government has probably relocated the other aliens to avoid a case where I come back to infiltrate and expose the conditions ‘we’ were subjected to…you have no idea – what I went through would make captives in Guatanamo Bay look like they were on a fun-filled holiday retreat 😀

Entry #29 – Poker face

poker-dad_ThumbI went gaga over her but who wouldn’t! She’s like a  Christiana Aguilera but only sexier. But what’s with that song…so catchy…kinky yet satisfying. Poker face? What would a poker face look like? I’ve got this image of a face made out of cards or one in the shape of a heart (alien), spade (conehead), diamond (Kate Moss) or…a club (now that one would look downrightshamrock scary). Anyway, when I first heard the song I thought she was saying poke-her-face! It even got more saucy when she went ‘p-p-p-poke her face, p-p-p-poker her face, mum mum mum ma – What! now you want your mum to do it! Oh boy. And then I thought ‘How vulgar!’ Poke her face with what? Definitely not lipgloss. I like the way the expression gets you thinking…I mean, if someone you offended suddenly snapped and called you Poker face then I don’t think you’d be thanking ’em for the compliment. On the other hand, if you play poker then you’d probably just think the expression is a kind of face you find difficult to read or intepret. Hmm…it just occurred to me that the lizard in my header for this page has a poker face that is pretty confusing. I think he’s happy 😀