Fiction: 2021 (Pt.2)

I walked into my office and met the usual two early risers: one cleaner employed to vacuum-clean, mop the floors and wash dishes. The other was contracted to neutralize the Corona virus handle detailed cleaning, disinfecting and sanitizing of every visible surface in the entire office space. I knew the latter was hard at work from the offensive bleach odours invading my nostrils. No doubt about it – when it came to hygiene my office could go toe to toe with a 5 star hospital.

My colleagues began to troop in one after the other in mask-off mode. We had all gotten quite acquainted to sitting beyond spitting distance from each other. The result – tendency to focus more on the work at hand and less time for idle chit-chat or probable virus transmission. Lunchtime was implicitly observed at one’s desk or in the lunchroom if only one person had a 4-seating table to oneself. Unfortunately one could not exercise proper social distancing in the restroom (at least I can speak for the males). The urinals were not designed for this new era as evident from the distance between them.

Curfews had been extended gradually every fortnight by the state government until midnight but nothing beyond. This was obviously bad news for night crawlers but for old fashioned family men like me (Disclaimer: I have been known to have quite a few doppelgangers on the bar scene) I was happy to close from work and get home as early as I could. On that day in particular my wife and I were not eager to walk into a sea of scattered toys, a gallery of amateur graffiti walls and a solo-performance from our unsigned artiste (no amp required). We heard that a new movie experience was in town – at least new to Lagosians.

The pandemic took its toll on the local movie theatres while Netflix and Cable TV giants were cashing out on both the health-conscious and the care-free couch potatoes. One movie theatre decided to launch a drive-in cinema. You could enjoy your own air space, recline your seat to 180 degrees, mount your feet on the dashboard, binge on whatever picnic basket you prepared. Only thing I’d have to worry about is getting good seats parking space also within pee-holding distance to the restrooms. Movie wasn’t due to start for another half hour so we decided to stroll to a nearby bar to see what anti-COVID enhancements may have been made. We were pleasantly surprised…

Image credits:

Dreaming of a Cleaner Lagos

I have a dream that one day Lagosians will be able to walk on the streets without holding their noses. People won’t have to play hopscotch over piles of putrid refuse as they walk. Commuters will not have garbage dumps as their companions while queuing at bus stops. I believe Lagos can and will be clean again…green again. If that was Ambode’s vision then it definitely escaped him. The only ‘green’ he had in mind was those rubbish (as in ‘useless’) trucks running up and down Lagos.

When LAWMA was doing the cleaning job I don’t recall Lagos beaming with trash the way it is now. You could see the workers in the early hours of the day and late into the afternoon cleaning roadsides, bridges and their orange trucks were actively stopping to pick up refuse. On the contrary every time I see a Visionscape truck I just see it moving…probably just as an advertising gimmick. Who knows?

It’s therefore no surprise that when it boiled down to the concluded Lagos Primaries the people of Lagos did not come to his aid. Unlike his predecessor Fashola who made a positive impact during his 4-year term and got re-elected, Ambode lost to a rival within his political party APC before even getting a shot at competing with the PDP. It goes without saying that Ambode should have cleaned up his act long before now.

He still has till next year before he hands over to Sanwo-Olu (APC) or Jimi Agbaje (PDP). Let’s see what good he can do for us to remember him by. IBB = Third Mainland Bridge; Obasanjo = Mobile telephony; Fashola = BRT and roadworks; Ambode = ???

The Truth behind BB Naija 2017 (Guest post)

bbnaija2017We are probably all thinking it, and I began to suspect it 10 minutes later into the show… where is this place with 12hrs 24hrs steady Nepa in this naija cause I’ll pack my bags too and head there. Of course not, I didn’t think so too, hence my research into this game began (remember, it is a game lol).

1. Who cares? I mean do people really still give a damn about this thing? There’s a reason why its been off air for 10 years and I dint hear anyone crying out. What is the purpose??? What is the vision???

2. Who wins? Again who really cares, as far as this year’s housemates (HM) they all came to ‘sell market’. According to Efe (the most popular looking HM based on live feeds) he put it so poetically and said that as long as you build your brand, then you could put out crap songs yet people would still buy. Abi, is that what “see gobbe” stands for?

3. N24m or N25m??? So big brother, which is it because on the opening night you were shouting winner takes home N25m, then one week later, the money has dropped to N24m. Please inform the housemate, before they come out, the money if the money has dropped all the way down to N1m.

4. Been there, done that, got the Tshirt. All the twists and surprises possible have been done tire, even the twists get twists haba, it don’t make sense no more. HM are failed to be surprised, just check out last week’s “fake eviction” and the look on their faces, orlack thereof of surprise when it was revealed.

5. Is it fight I came to watch??? Aparently, some naijas are not depressed enough with the current recession in the economy, they want to see people fighting for entertainment. However, big brother failed to deliver on that either, even forcing him to piss each other off. It’s not working, sorry biggie.

6. Aha! It must be relationship I’m looking for. Lets do the mathematics…7 girls and 7 boys, aged 20s to 30s, all hot by the way. Throw in some double beds, some awkward single beds and lack of adequate sleeping arrangements, alcohol and music, what do you get??

7. This is Big Junior Brother!!! Apparently, people have been speculating as to who is the voice behind biggie. Ebuka perhaps??? Highly plausible indeed.

8. Where is our President??? I mean seriously guys, we have real issues in the ‘real world’of Nigeria e.g. dollar going up, US travel ban, petrol queues, ain’t nobody got time for this.

9. Did we hire a marketing team??? I’m telling you, these housemates must be up to something cause I’ve never been more aware of the sponsors than now. I guess it’s the ‘plan b’ in case they don’t win, they can get a job with one of the sponsors.

10. Communal living: I just cant deal right now. Food sharing, bed sharing and don’t get me started on the shared toilet and bathroom. Maybe I’m getting too old for this.

(To be continued).

Post credits: Anonymous 

5 reasons NOT to invest in MMM Nigeria

MMM Nigeria Logo (Source: Google images)With the recession in full swing in Nigeria more Nigerians seem desperate to find solutions to the pinch in their pockets. So much so that the voice of reason has been drowned by the din created by the latest rave to hit the Nigerian scene – MMM Nigeria. MMM is a ‘social financial network’ founded in 1989 by three Russians, with Sergei Mavrodi at the forefront. The network promises returns of 30 per cent to investors who ‘help’ members of the network by parting with some level of funds. While this sounds very attractive (I mean, no bank is paying up to 30 per cent interest, is there?) I have an arsenal of reasons why you should avoid MMM like the Black Plague. So allow me load my metaphorical revolver:

Bullet 1: Fraudulent founder

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Today’s Special – Racism with a side of DIY

Think of a time when you had the worst customer service experience and how it made your blood boil. Is the steam coming out of your ears yet? Great! Now that we’ve set the appropriate mood for this article please read on. I’m no stranger to bad customer service but the scenario that played out two nights ago when I hung out with a good friend at a popular eatery left a bad taste in her mouth (and left mine open).

It all started when she ordered @ Shawarma & a Couple of extras Continue reading

The Love Languages of Nigerians

A must-read; with a host of great bloggers and a special appearance from the numero uno Crazy Nigerian 🙂

Why you shouldn’t give directions in Nigeria

directionsAbout 2 years ago on one fine Saturday morning, my mum wanted to get to Lagos Island. So being the considerate son I am I volunteered to drive her there. As fate would have it I remembered I needed to withdraw some cash from any available ATM before coming back from our destination. I parked my car and asked my mum if she wanted to wait while I joined a small queue at a nearby ATM round the corner. Her preference however was to wait outside the car but 5 minutes later something terrible happened…

The ‘Stephen King’ version of what happened:

Stephen KingThe last image Jollof had of his mum was of her standing on the pedestrian pavement a few feet away from his car. He walked into the ATM kiosk area where two people were ahead of him. He had no idea that while he was waiting for his turn a car with three men had pulled up to his mum to ask for directions. One of the men in the car who claimed to be a pastor was frantically explaining that a close acquaintance had been rushed to hospital and that he needed to know how to get there. He beckoned for Jollof’s mum to get into the car but she didn’t budge. Suddenly from out of nowhere a pedestrian walked up to the scene.

‘Ah! Pastor! It’s you!!!’

‘Hello my brother. I’m trying to locate one hospital around here’.

‘Er no problem.’ (Turns to Jollof’s mum) ‘Madam, let’s go and help pastor’…

Jollof finally withdrew N10,000 and walked back to where his mum was but she was nowhere to be seen.

The ‘Walt Disney’ version of what happened:

Walt DisneyJollof left his mum waiting by the car while he queued up at an ATM kiosk around the corner to withdraw some cash. The man at the front of the queue must have been using his debit card for the first time because he kept pressing what seemed to be the incorrect PIN. ‘Oh Lord, let his ATM debit card get retained’, Jollof prayed. In the end he wasn’t sure if the person had insufficient funds or just wanted to perform a PIN change. The next person in front of Jollof was hell-bent on taking time wasting to the next level. He must have been one of those ‘techie’ types who liked to use the ATM to pay for his cable TV bill, phone bill and then buy recharge vouchers for every member of his extended family before finally printing a mini statement. ‘AAAAARGH!!’, Jollof thought.

He finally withdrew N10,000 and walked back to where his mum was and they both got into his car.

‘So were you able to make your withdrawal?’

‘Yeah, I was’.

‘Oh good. Hmm’. She pauses and then continues. ‘You won’t believe what happened while I was waiting for you…’

Fortunately it was the Walt Disney version that panned out in real life but many today are victims of hypnosis and have managed to loot their own residences for the diabolical puppeteer, or in other cases, abduct the victim and use them for rituals. In Nigeria no one has to tell you but you need to be streetwise or as we say in these parts, ‘Shine your eye!’

“Body Small”

Reblogged this from 360Zibah’s blog. Enjoy: “Body Small”.

World’s Dirtiest Man Has Not Bathed For 60 Years

I’ve only got one word for this post – CRAZY!

How will you celebrate New Year’s eve?

It was the post before New Year’s day…and I was 39 views away from 100,000! Just a couple more hours to meet my target *biting fingernails*

I’m writing this post in a hurry because I need to get home, change and attend church for 10pm. My crossover into the new for the last few years has been in church and it’s always been memorable. I plan to do a thorough review of 2013 in my next post (as opposed to editing this one) but in the meantime you can enjoy another one of my recent rants on the topic….Enjoy and have a (insert countdown)…2…0…1…4……….HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!