Dreaming of a Cleaner Lagos

I have a dream that one day Lagosians will be able to walk on the streets without holding their noses. People won’t have to play hopscotch over piles of putrid refuse as they walk. Commuters will not have garbage dumps as their companions while queuing at bus stops. I believe Lagos can and will be clean again…green again. If that was Ambode’s vision then it definitely escaped him. The only ‘green’ he had in mind was those rubbish (as in ‘useless’) trucks running up and down Lagos.

When LAWMA was doing the cleaning job I don’t recall Lagos beaming with trash the way it is now. You could see the workers in the early hours of the day and late into the afternoon cleaning roadsides, bridges and their orange trucks were actively stopping to pick up refuse. On the contrary every time I see a Visionscape truck I just see it moving…probably just as an advertising gimmick. Who knows?

It’s therefore no surprise that when it boiled down to the concluded Lagos Primaries the people of Lagos did not come to his aid. Unlike his predecessor Fashola who made a positive impact during his 4-year term and got re-elected, Ambode lost to a rival within his political party APC before even getting a shot at competing with the PDP. It goes without saying that Ambode should have cleaned up his act long before now.

He still has till next year before he hands over to Sanwo-Olu (APC) or Jimi Agbaje (PDP). Let’s see what good he can do for us to remember him by. IBB = Third Mainland Bridge; Obasanjo = Mobile telephony; Fashola = BRT and roadworks; Ambode = ???

The Truth behind BB Naija 2017 (Guest post)

bbnaija2017We are probably all thinking it, and I began to suspect it 10 minutes later into the show… where is this place with 12hrs 24hrs steady Nepa in this naija cause I’ll pack my bags too and head there. Of course not, I didn’t think so too, hence my research into this game began (remember, it is a game lol).

1. Who cares? I mean do people really still give a damn about this thing? There’s a reason why its been off air for 10 years and I dint hear anyone crying out. What is the purpose??? What is the vision???

2. Who wins? Again who really cares, as far as this year’s housemates (HM) they all came to ‘sell market’. According to Efe (the most popular looking HM based on live feeds) he put it so poetically and said that as long as you build your brand, then you could put out crap songs yet people would still buy. Abi, is that what “see gobbe” stands for?

3. N24m or N25m??? So big brother, which is it because on the opening night you were shouting winner takes home N25m, then one week later, the money has dropped to N24m. Please inform the housemate, before they come out, the money if the money has dropped all the way down to N1m.

4. Been there, done that, got the Tshirt. All the twists and surprises possible have been done tire, even the twists get twists haba, it don’t make sense no more. HM are failed to be surprised, just check out last week’s “fake eviction” and the look on their faces, orlack thereof of surprise when it was revealed.

5. Is it fight I came to watch??? Aparently, some naijas are not depressed enough with the current recession in the economy, they want to see people fighting for entertainment. However, big brother failed to deliver on that either, even forcing him to piss each other off. It’s not working, sorry biggie.

6. Aha! It must be relationship I’m looking for. Lets do the mathematics…7 girls and 7 boys, aged 20s to 30s, all hot by the way. Throw in some double beds, some awkward single beds and lack of adequate sleeping arrangements, alcohol and music, what do you get??

7. This is Big Junior Brother!!! Apparently, people have been speculating as to who is the voice behind biggie. Ebuka perhaps??? Highly plausible indeed.

8. Where is our President??? I mean seriously guys, we have real issues in the ‘real world’of Nigeria e.g. dollar going up, US travel ban, petrol queues, ain’t nobody got time for this.

9. Did we hire a marketing team??? I’m telling you, these housemates must be up to something cause I’ve never been more aware of the sponsors than now. I guess it’s the ‘plan b’ in case they don’t win, they can get a job with one of the sponsors.

10. Communal living: I just cant deal right now. Food sharing, bed sharing and don’t get me started on the shared toilet and bathroom. Maybe I’m getting too old for this.

(To be continued).

Post credits: Anonymous 

5 reasons NOT to invest in MMM Nigeria

MMM Nigeria Logo (Source: Google images)With the recession in full swing in Nigeria more Nigerians seem desperate to find solutions to the pinch in their pockets. So much so that the voice of reason has been drowned by the din created by the latest rave to hit the Nigerian scene – MMM Nigeria. MMM is a ‘social financial network’ founded in 1989 by three Russians, with Sergei Mavrodi at the forefront. The network promises returns of 30 per cent to investors who ‘help’ members of the network by parting with some level of funds. While this sounds very attractive (I mean, no bank is paying up to 30 per cent interest, is there?) I have an arsenal of reasons why you should avoid MMM like the Black Plague. So allow me load my metaphorical revolver:

Bullet 1: Fraudulent founder

Continue reading

Today’s Special – Racism with a side of DIY

Think of a time when you had the worst customer service experience and how it made your blood boil. Is the steam coming out of your ears yet? Great! Now that we’ve set the appropriate mood for this article please read on. I’m no stranger to bad customer service but the scenario that played out two nights ago when I hung out with a good friend at a popular eatery left a bad taste in her mouth (and left mine open).

It all started when she ordered @ Shawarma & a Couple of extras Continue reading

The Love Languages of Nigerians

A must-read; with a host of great bloggers and a special appearance from the numero uno Crazy Nigerian 🙂

Why you shouldn’t give directions in Nigeria

directionsAbout 2 years ago on one fine Saturday morning, my mum wanted to get to Lagos Island. So being the considerate son I am I volunteered to drive her there. As fate would have it I remembered I needed to withdraw some cash from any available ATM before coming back from our destination. I parked my car and asked my mum if she wanted to wait while I joined a small queue at a nearby ATM round the corner. Her preference however was to wait outside the car but 5 minutes later something terrible happened…

The ‘Stephen King’ version of what happened:

Stephen KingThe last image Jollof had of his mum was of her standing on the pedestrian pavement a few feet away from his car. He walked into the ATM kiosk area where two people were ahead of him. He had no idea that while he was waiting for his turn a car with three men had pulled up to his mum to ask for directions. One of the men in the car who claimed to be a pastor was frantically explaining that a close acquaintance had been rushed to hospital and that he needed to know how to get there. He beckoned for Jollof’s mum to get into the car but she didn’t budge. Suddenly from out of nowhere a pedestrian walked up to the scene.

‘Ah! Pastor! It’s you!!!’

‘Hello my brother. I’m trying to locate one hospital around here’.

‘Er no problem.’ (Turns to Jollof’s mum) ‘Madam, let’s go and help pastor’…

Jollof finally withdrew N10,000 and walked back to where his mum was but she was nowhere to be seen.

The ‘Walt Disney’ version of what happened:

Walt DisneyJollof left his mum waiting by the car while he queued up at an ATM kiosk around the corner to withdraw some cash. The man at the front of the queue must have been using his debit card for the first time because he kept pressing what seemed to be the incorrect PIN. ‘Oh Lord, let his ATM debit card get retained’, Jollof prayed. In the end he wasn’t sure if the person had insufficient funds or just wanted to perform a PIN change. The next person in front of Jollof was hell-bent on taking time wasting to the next level. He must have been one of those ‘techie’ types who liked to use the ATM to pay for his cable TV bill, phone bill and then buy recharge vouchers for every member of his extended family before finally printing a mini statement. ‘AAAAARGH!!’, Jollof thought.

He finally withdrew N10,000 and walked back to where his mum was and they both got into his car.

‘So were you able to make your withdrawal?’

‘Yeah, I was’.

‘Oh good. Hmm’. She pauses and then continues. ‘You won’t believe what happened while I was waiting for you…’

Fortunately it was the Walt Disney version that panned out in real life but many today are victims of hypnosis and have managed to loot their own residences for the diabolical puppeteer, or in other cases, abduct the victim and use them for rituals. In Nigeria no one has to tell you but you need to be streetwise or as we say in these parts, ‘Shine your eye!’

“Body Small”

Reblogged this from 360Zibah’s blog. Enjoy: “Body Small”.

World’s Dirtiest Man Has Not Bathed For 60 Years

I’ve only got one word for this post – CRAZY!

How will you celebrate New Year’s eve?

It was the post before New Year’s day…and I was 39 views away from 100,000! Just a couple more hours to meet my target *biting fingernails*

I’m writing this post in a hurry because I need to get home, change and attend church for 10pm. My crossover into the new for the last few years has been in church and it’s always been memorable. I plan to do a thorough review of 2013 in my next post (as opposed to editing this one) but in the meantime you can enjoy another one of my recent rants on the topic….Enjoy and have a (insert countdown)…2…0…1…4……….HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

My Christmas Wish

To Whom It May Concern (and you better be listening, Santa!):

Christmas wishesI had by far the shittiest (surprise, surprise…WordPress spell-check didn’t underline THAT word) day of the year. Take away the fact that I barely had enough sleep from the high-octane activities of the 23rd, I consumed a lethal concoction of chocolates, fried chicken, beans, plantain, crackers, Smirnoff Ice (well, neither in that order nor at the same time). On the 24th I was fortunate to be within the premise of a recreational club in the course of my customer visits and had to dash to the gents (Isn’t it just typical when you’re pressed and you ask for directions and then you get something like, ‘go up the stairs and turn left then the first right’ – AAAAARGH! Houston, he’s gonna blow!). Anyphew! Anyway, I was dizzy for the rest of the afternoon and mindful of everything I was putting into my mouth…which wasn’t until after 6pm (I don’t even recall chewing my food in the process). I had some deadlines to meet before leaving the office and by 9.30pm I was on my way home…knackered like a $10 hooker doing overtime (maybe not the best way to describe it but it’s my blog…my rules Insert *tongue out* emoticon here).

There’s a lot to wish for; some realistic and some as real as a wizard from Hogwarts. I could wish for constant power supply (and a good second-hand sale for my redundant generator), a property purchase for residential use (and a well-rehearsed in-your-face look when I leave my rented apartment), a book mention/TheCrazyNigerian mention by some prominent Celebrity (and a Giorgio Armani handkerchief to blow my nose and cry my tears of joy into). But I could wish for a Nigerian President who would care about the welfare of the people and would be a selfless leader. I wish for peace, favour and grace in my life, my family, my relationships (with my girlfriend and other acquaintances), and so much more. However, I think it’s only fair to leave those to God and give you something far more easier…

*Cue Drum roll*

drum roll





This Christmas I wish for 100,000 PAGE VIEWS before the end of the year. (Insert Tadaah! here).

Is this a wish or an appeal, I hear you say? Who cares?! Just gimme gimme gimme 😀

All I really want for Christmas is my girlfriend Linda…but she’s on the other side of the world right now in the US till 2014 (double boo-hoo). BAH HUMBUG!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE and make sure your friends visit thecrazynigerian.com soon.

xxx xxx xxx

Aside – I wonder how many of you clicked on ‘Linda’ hoping to see a picture…nice try lol!