The thing about finding Prince Charming


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EP 2 – The thing about finding Prince Charming Whenever I hear the word ‘Prince’ my mind flashes back (for some strange reason) to the popular BBC TV series ‘The Prince and the Pauper’ starring the talented Mr. Ripley Nicholas Lyndhurst. Of course, … Continue reading

Entry #79 – Love Thy (Noisy) Neighbor

I am a law-abiding citizen. I pay my rent on time and I also pay my taxes. I love my mum and dad just as much as I love OREO cookies and I’ve won The Best Brother Ever Award 3 years in a row, courtesy of my two lovely younger sisters. I don’t expect much from people…even when it’s my birthday. What I do expect from my neighbors, however, is some peace and quiet when I return from a hard day at the office!

I live in a very big compound with 11 other tenants in their respective apartments. Unfortunately 3 of them drive me up the wall (some more frequently than others). Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to present to you the 3 neighbors whom I have tried my best to love with all my heart (honest!).

The Prayer Warrior:

Gender ~ Female

Age ~ 20-something

Marital Status ~ Single (and I think I know why)

Number of kids ~ None

Noise-ometer ~ 7/10 (Very Loud)

Offence(s) ~ On random mornings and nights I would hear this woman chanting prayers and speaking in tongues. It’s quite scary to say the least. It sounds so violent that you actually first think about calling the police to report a case of domestic abuse. The shouting can last for up to 30 minutes and sometimes even longer. I wonder if she has any friends…hmm…maybe just on Facebook.

The All-Nighter:

Gender ~ Male

Age ~ 30-something

Marital Status ~ Single

Number of kids ~ None

Noise-ometer ~ 8/10 (Very Loud and Constant)

Offence(s) ~ Whilst every other sane neighbor usually puts off their generators before going to bed, this guy runs his generator till the fuel runs out. Perhaps if the Nigerian government got their act together and provided uninterrupted power supply then we wouldn’t need generators in the first place. But in the meantime I expect this neighbor to show a little consideration for others by switching his generator off at 12am max. He goes to work the following day so how the hell does he sleep through that constant drone? Maybe I’ll just go ahead and buy those Pioneer headphones I’ve been Googling and see if they’re really sound-proof…

The  Human Megaphone:

Gender ~ Female

Age ~ 30 something

Marital Status ~ Widowed

Number of kids ~ 3

Noise-ometer ~ 9.9/10 (Extremely Loud, Constant and Annoying)

Offence(s) ~ Where do I begin? She screams all day. She is obviously lazy because she reduced her teenage niece to a maid. She comes out of her apartment and just when she realizes she’s forgotten something she starts screaming her niece’s name at the top of her lungs…right beneath my bedroom window whilst I’m still sleeping! At first I felt sorry for her because she is a widow but that changed after one late night at about 1am when her sisters-in-law paid her a surprise visit. They banged on her door for an hour and outrightly accused her of driving their brother to an early grave. It was like trying to sleep while The Jerry Springer Show was on. I also have doubts as to the rightful owner of her car because she sure doesn’t know how to unlock it without triggering the car alarm…every single time. I swear she’ll give me a heart attack one day. And don’t get me started on her three screaming kids!

Well I hope there really is a Santa because this Christmas I’m wishing for peace and sanity in my neighborhood. Do you think you could live with my neighbors? 🙁

Life on planet HTRAE

Take a step into an alternate world where absolutely anything is possible. There are no limits whatsoever. Mistakes can be corrected. Dead people can be brought to life (please note this point). You can fast-forward from the period of record vinyls to the arrival of MP3s. No point making VHS when you can enjoy DVDs. You can go one step beyond choosing the sex of your unborn child – you can see exactly what he/she would look like…at age 30.

There’s no need to go through two, three or more dead-end jobs after university. You graduate and immediately start earning in your dream job. Dating more than one person is a waste of time when you can wait for the precise moment when you will bump into your perfect partner e.g. 13th April 2009, Wednesday at 3.26pm…on Facebook! Physical attributes will not limit you in any way. You can have the spring in those legs to get you slamdunking your way to the NBAs. You can get the perfect cleavage to nail that job interview (with a male/lesbian boss), to get that wealthy business tycoon or to just boost your self-esteem. You can get the dream physique to get you into the modeling industry too. You don’t hear insecure men going  ‘Size doesn’t matter, it’s the motion in the ocean’. They are all well-endowed naturally, give or take the exaggerated inch ; )

Weight-gain is a thing of the past since all the foods on this planet are engineered to help you maintain your fit healthy body. Goodbye ugly fat people, Hello cast of Beverly Hills 90210! Balding men do not exist here. They can sport their hair any which curl, dread, lock, fringe, mohican, ace-ventura way they like! Gymnasiums go out of business because you can WILL yourself into those desired biceps, triceps, pectorals and abs. It gets better – You and your partner can agree on the exact time you both want to climax together…and you can set it by the milli-second…every single time.

Speaking of time, just wait a damn second! I told you at the very beginning to ‘take a step’. You’ve probably already packed your bags from EARTH and you’re getting ready to set off on a one-way rocket trip to HT-RAE. Don’t you want to know what living there would be like? I can tell you it’s not all you hoped for. Behind this seemingly perfect world there are consequences which you’d have to deal with.

If everyone had the same idea of a perfect athletic build then everyone would be 1st place in the Mens 100m at the Beijing Olympics. Usain Bolt and the other 7 competitors would break & set new world records…together, every four years. There will be no silver or bronze medals to give out because everyone would get a gold one. If all the women at an interview employed the same cleavage tactic then the male/lesbian boss would have a hard time making a selection. If everyone could look like or act as well as the big Hollywood stars then there wouldn’t be a point for giving out Oscars.

If dating was only reserved till the moment you would meet your destined partner then you would live an inexperienced love life. Yes you can make all the mistakes and correct them when you meet ‘the one’ but why go through all that hassle? If we were enjoying the latest-est-est-est technology NOW then there would be nothing better to look forward to. Transition can be a slow process but its fun when you can look back at where you started. But this planet would also be extremely competitive. You wouldn’t be able to stand out in virtually anything. How can you be the best at something when everyone else doing ‘that thing’ is just as good? Think about it. Do you still want to go to planet HT-RAE now?

If I’ve succeeded in convincing you otherwise then you have made the right decision. Life on EARTH is tough but that’s why you should see it as a challenge. Live the experience. Try again if you don’t succeed the first time. Believe in yourself and pray, pray and then pray some more.

At this point I want you to know that HT-RAE is not just my imagination. It exists and I’m going back there…only, you’re not invited because it’s getting pretty crowded up in here – with all the dead people being brought back to life and all, lol. See you when I get back!

N.B – Ticket availability (1 left)