Tag Archives: diary

Entry #35 – Every second counts

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save meI was going to post something else but just 3hrs ago I saw such a powerful video on my cable TV. It was one by the rock band Nickelback entitled ‘Saving Me’. At first you think its just any other video but as the story unfolds you start to see just how clever the concept of the video is. Now, I’m not going to spoil this for those of you who haven’t seen it. But what if life today was similar to how it was depicted in this video? There would be a whole new sense of purpose…A constant search for the truth…A new connection with the people who surround you…A desperation to make every second count…

What I’d give to see one of those ‘Second Counters’ over Robert Mugabe’s head…I’m just curious 🙂

Enjoy the video!

Entry #34 – Homewreckers

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fingerLadies and Gentlemen, an invasion is upon us! In the 21st century a new evil has befallen planet earth. The shape-shifting creatures of the damned lurk into your very households whilst you watch the news, sip your tea, and  pick your nose. These venemous scum leach unto the married couples of our time and cause havoc and destruction in a systemmatic manner. They are more commonly known as… Homewreckers

So how do you know if you’ve been stung by a homewrecker? When she notices a hotel receipt in his jacket and she hasn’t been to one with him…ever. When he stumbles across his wife’s missing earring by the couch in his best friend’s apartment. When she looks through his mobile phone and she reads the text/SMS, ‘I can’t wait to see you again.Same time tomorrow?’ 

Maybe that’s all a bit too obvious. What about bad drinking habits, gambling, drug addiction, Job loss, Ponzi schemes and hard earned stocks & investments taking a nose dive? What about family ties? Blood is thicker than water, right? What if your mother-in-law (who’s a pain-in-the-neck) comes to live with you? ‘NO WAY!’ I hear you say? What if your partner doesn’t want you to put her in an old people’s home? What then?

But I guess the most deceptive and destructive of all the Homewreckers is the Internet…and the blogworld plays a massive part alongside Facebook, Ebay and Free Porn. Guys who spend more time clicking the mouse than kissing the spouse soon become victims of a home about to be bulldozed, metaphorically speaking.

CrazyNigerian’s Final Thought: Fellow bloggers, if you have a partner then spend less time blogging. And if you don’t have a partner…spend less time blogging 🙂

Entry #32 – Mouth to mouth

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mouth2mouthWhat’s in a kiss? Saliva? Sure! That’s if it’s a wet kiss. But if your partner has gum problems or uses a very soft toothbrush then there’s probably some blood to go with that saliva (Urgh!). If you’ve just had dinner before that kiss then there’s probably a whole bunch of food particles swimming through a bloody saliva stream all the way down your oesophagus (okay, stay with me here). If your partner has protruding teeth then there are probably some braces to go with that slimy blood pool. Thinking about dry-kissing instead, eh? I don’t blame you.

I for one like to think that I’m a smooth kisser…you know, those sedative-type kisses that leave lips numbed to sleep. I believe a perfect kiss should be timed, literally. A kiss that lasts for 2 seconds is way too short and a kiss that lasts for 20secs can quickly become a drooling grueling task of endurance (c’mon, that’s a lot of bloody plaque saliva/exchange).

Anything between 10 and 15secs is ideal. With practice anyone can time a kiss…kinda like knowing your body-clock – you just instinctively know when to wake up sometimes. Tongue kissing should ALWAYS be avoided in the morning…yes, even if you’ve brushed the night before, downed a bottle of Listerine, chewed a pack of Wrigleys Extra and recently became the face of Macleans ads.

If your mouth is closed for over 5hrs after all that I’m willing to bet that your breath isn’t exactly a trip to the Alps (unless you sleep with your mouth open…but I’d be worried about what could crawl in). And the next time you save someone from drowning and you need to give him or her mouth-to-mouth please don’t stick your tongue in…that’s a tongue-in-cheek moment if I’ve ever heard of one 😉

Entry #30 – Rumour has it…

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bridge2that there was a madman on Third Mainland Bridge in Lagos who kept shouting to himself everyday. He was shouting out the number ‘Thirteen!’ repeatedly. Motorists used to drive past him but one curious passenger asked a driver in the bus to stop so he could ask the madman what he was shouting ‘Thirteen’ all day for. The driver obliged and parked to one side of the bridge. The passenger got down and approached the madman with caution but he kept some distance. He asked the madman, ‘Why are you shouting Thirteen?’ The madman stopped shouting and politely answered to the passenger’s surprise, ‘It’s a secret but come and I will tell you.’ The passenger saw no harm in this and was anxious to finally unravel this mystery once and for all.

 

The bus driver and the other passengers looked on in horror as they suddenly saw the madman strugggle with the stray passenger before flinging him over the bridge into the ocean. As soon as he he did that he started shouting ‘Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!’ 🙂

Entry #29 – Poker face

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poker-dad_ThumbI went gaga over her but who wouldn’t! She’s like a  Christiana Aguilera but only sexier. But what’s with that song…so catchy…kinky yet satisfying. Poker face? What would a poker face look like? I’ve got this image of a face made out of cards or one in the shape of a heart (alien), spade (conehead), diamond (Kate Moss) or…a club (now that one would look downrightshamrock scary). Anyway, when I first heard the song I thought she was saying poke-her-face! It even got more saucy when she went ‘p-p-p-poke her face, p-p-p-poker her face, mum mum mum ma – What! now you want your mum to do it! Oh boy. And then I thought ‘How vulgar!’ Poke her face with what? Definitely not lipgloss. I like the way the expression gets you thinking…I mean, if someone you offended suddenly snapped and called you Poker face then I don’t think you’d be thanking ’em for the compliment. On the other hand, if you play poker then you’d probably just think the expression is a kind of face you find difficult to read or intepret. Hmm…it just occurred to me that the lizard in my header for this page has a poker face that is pretty confusing. I think he’s happy 😀

Entry #26 – Man U, 0-2, boo hoo!

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I’m not a biased sports commentator nor am I a Barcelona fanatic on a trouble-finding mission, but I must say that I was quite busy sending commiseration text messages (I wasn’t rubbing it in, honest). I just wanted them to know that they had a shoulder to cry on. But its a harsh reality that in every competition, in every battle, there’s a winner and a loser. There’s just no two ways about it. What amuses me is the way some of the football players ‘cross their hearts’ before the match – Is that to say that they were praying that their side wins? What about if the opponents crossed their hearts too? Shouldn’t they have a fair chance of winning too? As a matter of fact, what does crossing the heart really symbolize anyway? Protection from demons? (Yeah, the opponents). Or could it be protection from a loss to their opponents. Either way I don’t think God intervenes, though I’m pretty sure He knew the result way before Eve offered Adam that dodgy apple.

There’s always a winner and a loser. Even when there’s a tie in a match, it always has to end in a sudden death situation and then the dreaded penalty shoot out. Why bother? Because two teams cant share one trophy, thats why. Two rival fan clubs cant walk hand-in-hand singing a combined ManU-Barcelona footie anthem. Its like the sci-fi movie Highlander – there can only be one.

So the next time you’re thinking , ‘Winner vs Loser’ think Obama vs McCain, Kanye West vs 50cent, Osama Bin Laden vs George W. Bush, Sober judge vs O.J Simpson, ‘Traumatized’ teenager vs Michael Jackson, Angelina Jolie vs Jennifer Aniston, Federline vs Britney Spears, The People vs Larry Flint, Ned Flanders vs Homer Simpson, Agent Smith(s) vs NEO aka The One, Nigerian, Interrupted vs … 🙂

Entry 25 – Wisecracks

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I’ve just had one of those days where pretty much everything I heard, saw or felt could be linked to the word ‘shit’. On my way to work for instance, I was driving with a sore head and a runny nose so I obviously felt like shit. I was caught up in a stretch of road traffic partly caused by a diversion plus traffic caused by panick buying of petrol amidst scarcity scares. By the time I arrived, I looked at my watch and saw I was 30mins late and I simultaneously uttered, ‘Shit!’. The meeting I had with my boss and my marketing team was also pretty shit. We didn’t rake in a lot of funds today and couldn’t stop some customers from withdrawing huge sums for their personal use. It was like being at a Spanish Inquisition. As my boss went from questioning one marketer to another I couldn’t help but think that he also had the word, ‘shit’ on his mind – why wouldn’t I think so when he kept going to each person, ‘…so, what came out from your end today?’ ; )

…Shit ending wasn’t it? C’est la vie!

Entry #23 – Aaachoo!!!

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All this who-ha about swine flu. Has anyone asked how this came about in the first place? Did a farmer accidentally ingest the mucus of a sick pig after it sneezed without a hanky? Did some twisted nymphomaniac with an animal fetish get too intimate with a pig and develop a brand new H1N1 virus? I’ve heard it all and the names just keep getting more and more ridiculous – Chicken Pox, Mad cow disease, Bird Flu/Avian flu and now Swine flu. What next? Iguana flu? Why don’t we take it upon ourselves to keep the vicinity of these animals clean and thus protect them and ourselves? Why don’t pig farmers take a cue from the American SWAT team – the moment you see a pig so much as sniffle you put a bullet through its head and incenerate it with a flame gun. And if you must eat the damned swine then make sure that bacon is fried till its dry and crispy – that medium-rare/bloody/pink-thing is not posh anymore (its a downright stupid ploy that tricks you into thinking eating raw meat is okay – and that also goes for sushi!) Look, I love bacon just as much as the next guy so whilst farmers are culling ‘sick’ pigs I would like to appeal that the carcasses are shipped to Nigeria  – thats way too much barbeque meat to waste 🙂

Entry #22 – An epiphany

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On the 5th of April 2009 I had a ‘moment of clarity’ – no, I wasn’t recovering from a late-night alcohol binge. It just suddenly hit me – I want to achieve a couple of things by the time I’m 30. With each passing day I have this urge to determine how well I’ve utilized my time and how I can plan better for the next. Each day has become ‘compartmentilized’ such that every hour can be accounted for – including the no. of hours I sleep. It therefore seems like no coincidence when exactly a week later (12th of April) a friend of my aunt gave me an inspirational book comically titled, ‘How To Ruin Your Life by 40’ by Steve Farrah. What an eye-opener! I think everyone whose still in their twenties should must read this (or something like this) before you wake up one day and realize you haven’t achieved much with your life at all…scary thought isn’t it?

Entry #21 – The Glove Compartment

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…Sounds like a cool title to a blockbuster thriller, doesn’t it? But seriously, who the hell came up with the term anyway? I have gone through about 10 glove compartments in random cars of my friends and not once did I find a pair of gloves in there. Instead all I got was a ‘What are you looking for?’ Amongst the things I actually found in those compartments included: vehicle particulars, CDs, torch lights, AA batteries, receipts, flyers, car chargers, cameras, condoms (well, just in one of the compartments), pens and sporks (spoony forks/forky spoons).  

Thats it I’m afraid. I don’t have any story about a gun I found in a glove compartment or a severed finger I discovered in the glove compartment. I think  all car manufacturers should throw in free driving gloves as an add-on when buying a new car – at least then I’d be able to make appropriate use of the damn compartment 😀