You spin her around and then you both put on an electrifying, neomodern salsa-type of performance.The uproar from the crowd is unprecedented. You catch a glimpse of some beautiful ladies biting their bottom lips. Some are winking at you and pouting … Continue reading
Category Archives: Humor
What the ‘heels’ wrong with you?
When I see a woman walking in six-inch heels I marvel. And quite rightly so. Some of them are nothing short of Avengers the way they defy physics by balancing body weight of between 50-70kg on a pair of micro stumps…in motion!. If that isn’t self-inflicted torture then I don’t know what is. Are there valid reasons for a woman to subject herself to wearing high heels? There must be because millions of women have at least a pair in their shoe collection. Let’s see (put’s on thinking cap). Is it:-
- the desire to be taller than God intended?
- so that they can compete with other heel wearers in a heel-a-thon?
- simply to appear sophisticated and/or fashionable till they have to walk the walk?
I guess they’re all good reasons but some women clearly don’t take (mandatory) heel-walking practice indoors before embarrassing themselves in public:
There’s nothing like a sexy woman strutting in high heels elegantly and making the ‘koin-koin’ sound slowly and loudly against marble tiles – It commands your complete attention. Men like me appreciate you heel wearers out there – it’s not an easy job.
That said, if you can’t walk the walk then practice. If that fails then just accept that they were not meant for you. Give them to charity or you risk having your mishap you-tubed and posted here 😀
Recession blues: 5 Effects of dating now in Nigeria
It’s been nothing but doom and gloom in the 4th quarter of 2016 for Nigeria. The buying power of the Naira keeps shrinking faster than the egos of expired Viagra users. As at today 1 Naira is equal to 315.75 (Source: Google). For me, this translates to less of the wants and focusing more on the needs. But when you’re in a relationship it’s not always that simple. It’s no longer just about you but about somebody else too. So in order for you not to become the victim of a bad romance I have listed five effects of dating in the recession which you can look out for and handle without straining your relationship.
1. Pocket management:
During the recession you have to become economical with romantic gestures that cost a lot of money. Gone (or few) are the days that you splurge on Debonair Pizza for all your close friends and leave a N1,000 tip for the sales girl. With recession comes the era of scaling down to Dominos Pizza and buying that medium size pizza for you and your partner only. Spa treatments can be less regular and maybe your partner should consider going ‘au naturale’ with her hair so you don’t get lumbered with expensive extensions for your future ex.
Or Natalophobia is the irrational fear of one’s birthday, though in this context the fear is more specifically of having to buy your partner a gift. It costs money and depending on your partner’s taste, lots of it. As a matter of fact, once you’re in a relationship during this recession, festive days like birthdays, Valentine’s day, Christmas day and your one month or five months or 1 year anniversary just appear like skits of a horror movie titled, ‘The Bleeding Bank Account’ (printed in red blood, of course and starring YOU).
3. Data appreciation:
I don’t mean appreciation in the value of Internet data! (I’d be so lucky. The opposite was recently rumoured to be the case). I mean appreciating data over voice calls. With a fixed data subscription you can chat with or video call your partner as much as you like without spending your life savings on endless purchases of airtime top-up. An understanding partner would appreciate this substitution. Couples need to KISS (Keep It Short & Sweet) when it comes to voice calls. The amount of texts and images/video clips you send via Internet data is only limited by your data plan.
4. Heated arguments:
When you find that your finances are reducing faster than usual and that your salary can no longer afford things like before, you can get emotional. Emotions of anger tend to be quite common in these instances. It’s best not to bottle up these emotions from the onset. If the level of spending in your relationship is a concern then mention it early. Don’t wait till your partner asks you to buy a flight ticket before you throw a tantrum. Be open about what you can and cannot afford. If your partner cares about you then he or she will understand.
5. Recession vs oppression:
It can be quite annoying when you’re with your couple outdoors in a club somewhere and you notice a similarly cool-looking couple sitting in the VIP section downing Hennessy XO while you’re in your humble corner with your partner sipping slowly on ‘Lemon-flavoured carbonated water served on the rocks’ aka Sprite with ice cubes. There’s a popular saying we have in Nigeria – Cut your coat according to your size. In other words, spend on what you can afford and don’t try to be like anyone else. You don’t have to compete. You don’t know what they are into (probably MMM, who knows?).
In summary, during this recession you and your partner need to communicate a lot more than ever before. Things are hard and will get tougher in the coming year for Nigerians. But if we learn to manage our expenses and make alternative lifestyle changes, then relationships do not have to be avoided. That said, I hope you’ve saved up for a Christmas present 😉
Are you giving off a gay vibe?
Warning: This article may amuse the Gay community but may offend homophobes.
On one of many ‘student nights’ during my University years I was out with a couple of friends. We decided to go to a nightclub (and it wasn’t a gay nightclub if that’s where you think this story was heading). Amidst the strobe lights, endless queues at the bar I wandered into the crowded dance floors and later felt somebody pinch my butt. I turned round but to my amazement there wasn’t anyone trying to get my attention. I thought maybe it was a shy girl who did a pinch-and-run. In that same moment I got the shock of my life when I got the glimpse of a young white dude like 2 feet away who gave me a dodgy wink – Bingo! I found the ‘pinch-er’ but I became an unsettled ‘pinch-ee’. Was I giving off a gay vibe?
In the past I’ve had some
drunk forward girls in London nightclubs ask me during conversation, ‘Do you have a girlfriend? I would respond with a ‘No’ because I was single at the time. And then the follow-up question was, ‘Are you seeing anyone‘? Again, I would answer ‘No’ because at the time I wasn’t in a relationship. Then they round-up with the third and bizarre question, ‘Are you gay?’ Huh? Where on earth is the correlation between being single and being gay?
What to wear and how to act:
You could imagine my confusion; second-guessing my appearance and overall dress sense henceforth. I admit wearing a magnetic stud in my Uni days for fun but it was on my left ear not my right! I consciously cross my legs while sitting by placing my left leg over my right. Don’t even get me started with how long it took before I switched from wearing baggy American style clothes to fitted ones. I remember my younger sister encouraged me a few years ago to wear Levi regular fit jeans and I reluctantly obliged. I’ve not bought another pair since then. But does that mean I’m unsure of my sexuality or uncomfortable with being perceived as a gay stud muffin?
Ladies and gentlemen, for the record (and I play this vinyl on a gramophone) I am 100 per cent heterosexual and coincidentally I’m also a metro-sexual, which could explain the vibe exude. To any gay men who’ve made advances my way feel free to confirm I never attacked or insulted you. Sadly I’ve got my eyes on the earthlings from Venus 😉
Are you comfortable with your sexuality? Has anyone of the same-sex made a pass at you or groped you against your will? Do share (and you can be anonymous if you wish).
Thanks for reading 😀
The Nigerian Way; Will things ever change?
I’ll be honest – It’s not going to be easy writing this post without coming across as a pessimist but I need to give you a taste of the attitude of Nigerians I have experienced in recent times. From all indications things seem to be going from bad to worse. Just yesterday I was at a beautiful wedding reception and at a point all guests were asked to stand up for a prayer from one of the wedding couple’s family members. As we were repeatedly saying a resounding ‘Amen’, right in the middle of the prayer I suddenly heard the pop of a champagne bottle.
I don’t know about you but I think that was just downright rude. What would it cost the stewards to wait a minute or two for a prayer to finish before causing such a distraction. In the presence of God some level of decorum should be expected during prayer – no talking, no selfie-ing, no walking and most definitely no champagne popping! Of course it wasn’t long before the final Amen that another champagne cork went off with a loud *POP!* At this point the ridiculousness of it all made me giggle and shake my head – Nigerians! Continue reading
Nigeria is one big animal farm
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I’ll probably get some backlash about this blog title…but on second thoughts that presupposes that this post gets a lot of reads in the first place from people hunting for ‘politically incorrect’ statements. But as we say in these Nigerian … Continue reading
Hello Justice! I’ve been expecting you (pt.2)
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Enough was enough and it was high time I did something about it. I equipped myself for the imminent battle – adrenaline (check), sarcasm (check) and of course the facts (check). I knocked on her door and she asked who … Continue reading
Hello Justice! I’ve been expecting you (pt.1)
Justice, oh Justice, where have you been all this time? They say good things come to those who wait but I’ve waited for over 3 years for you to come into my life. You must have heard my lamentations about the loud pounding coming from the ground floor at 5.30 am daily, courtesy of the inconsiderate neighbour living below me on the ground floor. I mean, is she participating in a ‘Cook-every-Nigerian-soup-you-know’ Marathon? Who on earth is she cooking all these soups for anyway? Her help? Perhaps. Her little daughter? Doubt any Nigerian child would love eating Edikaikong everyday without thinking they’re being punished for some wrongdoing. Her husband is rarely in town so ‘who she epp’ (help)? It’s bad enough that I have to endure the aroma being sent up through my veranda to remind me of how much of a bloody bachelor I am. But after yesterday, I can see that Justice will soon be served to her – in black and white… (To be continued).
7 Everyday Problems Solved by Bacon
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If you’re like me and you’re feeling the pinch in your wallet as a result of the weakness of your country’s currency and high dependency on imported goods, you’d appreciate alternative, creative ways of doing things. But I also believe … Continue reading
The Initiation: What it means to cut your hand in Nigeria (Pt.2)
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I stepped out of my car and went back into the bank premises, watching the security guard suspiciously as I walked past him and into the trap door (Note to self – bring garlic to work tomorrow). I don’t recall … Continue reading