thecrazynigerian.com is dead

Dear fans, spammers, followers and critics, it is with a deep sense of regret that I hereby announce the sudden and untimely death of www.thecrazynigerian.com due to my forgetfulness negligence. I was meant to renew my domain subscription sometime late last year and despite several reminders from WordPress I never followed up. It’s in no way a valid excuse (after all, nobody has to remind me to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and all the junk food in between). In the blogging community my actions should constitute a punishable offence because I’ve successfully managed to confuse my followers who may have wondered why my website is suddenly displaying this:

thecrazynigerian.com

Luckily enough the clown, who used to own ‘www.crazynigerian.com’ and was charging me hundreds of thousands of Naira to purchase it, obviously must have been negligent too. The moment the site name became available I scooped it up quicker than a Nigerian Street sweeper backing high-speed traffic on Third Mainland Bridge. So for the avoidance of doubt, my new site name and blog address is www.crazynigerian.com 

In other news, I’ve been keeping myself busy whilst my former blog got shut down. Here’s a few snapshots of things I’ve been up to:

crazynigerian teescrazynigerian at classicfm

crazynigerian at book festival

crazynigerian at book festival 2

Well there you have it – my past few months in pictures. The sequel, The Crazy Nigerian Returns is currently in production and promises to live up to readers’ expectations. Here’s a toast to the new blog address and to more funny/crazy articles like before. Bye bye thecrazynigerian.com, hello crazynigerian.com!

Teaser: Taken from the series, Think Like A Man, End up Without One by @Livelytwist with my little contribution…

Let’s just get right down to the critical issue here, thinking. Men think. Women think too much, quote me on that. It’s not a bad thing until a man has had a single thought and moved on, and a woman is still having several thoughts about his single thought, long after.

Take for instance the following scenario. A young man and his girlfriend are enjoying a hearty meal and each other’s company at a fast food restaurant, when a stunning woman walks past. The man may think one of two things: what she’ll look like naked or what she’ll be like in bed. His girlfriend on the other hand may think many things including several variations of what her man was thinking about some seconds ago.

Paranoia could follow her dangerous thought process. His eyes lingered a little too longHe must like herHe said he likes women with assets and hers are bigger. Meanwhile the man has resumed munching his burger. His girlfriend on the other hand, has moved from paranoia to “casual” interrogation—“She’s very attractive isn’t she?” Wise men know this is a trap and the correct answer for peace to reign is, “I only have eyes for you, dear.” But if he loves you, why worry?

When it comes to love, less brain, more heart, or else a woman may just chase that man away. Men dislike wahala jo! – @dcrazynigerian

There’s always a right time to do the wrong thing

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Morals…some people have them and some others don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. This is currently the situation in Lagos, Nigeria where I reside: In the daytime you find most motorists obey the traffic lights (because they don’t … Continue reading

Crazy statistics

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This gallery contains 2 photos.

Yesterday I decided to Ask Google (not Jeeves) how many people were in the world in 2012. Sure enough Google didn’t disappoint when it returned over 6 billion results, one of which was a website aptly called How Many Are … Continue reading

The day I died

I tried to remember what happened but I couldn’t. It was as if the last 30 seconds of my life were erased from my memory. I felt like a big weight was taken off my shoulders. I was floating into space. There, I could see the world for what it really was – a haven overwhelmed with more selfish, power-hungry scavengers than do-gooders. It wasn’t getting better with time. It was getting worse. But I still wanted to be part of this cruel world. I wanted to experience life outside my comfort zone. Sadly, that wasn’t to be.

You see, I was right next to the guy who took my rightful place. We were pretty much identical. We were also quite aggressive and against all odds we beat millions of other hopefuls to the promise land – but there was only room for one. We faced-off for what felt like an eternity and then I thought, ‘What good would it be if neither of us gets to experience life?’ ‘What makes me better than this guy?’ ‘Why do I deserve to go?’ I couldn’t answer that question. I backed down and let my rival get past me – It was an excruciating sacrifice. I was able to catch one last glimpse of new life in motion before amnesia set in.

What then was my purpose? I was no better than my fallen comrades who died in paper graves and latex coffins. I didn’t make first place. I felt like a pushover, a loser, a quitter. But there was one thing my rival said after I let him swim past me that I’ll never forget, ‘I won’t let you down’.

That wasn’t exactly a thank you but it was good enough. Today marks the day that he remembered me. He has experienced pain, hurt and anger. But he has also experienced peace, joy and love. With regards how he treats people I think a bit of myself rubbed off on him.

So though I’m dead I’m glad to know that he kept his promise…

Entry #35 – Every second counts

save meI was going to post something else but just 3hrs ago I saw such a powerful video on my cable TV. It was one by the rock band Nickelback entitled ‘Saving Me’. At first you think its just any other video but as the story unfolds you start to see just how clever the concept of the video is. Now, I’m not going to spoil this for those of you who haven’t seen it. But what if life today was similar to how it was depicted in this video? There would be a whole new sense of purpose…A constant search for the truth…A new connection with the people who surround you…A desperation to make every second count…

What I’d give to see one of those ‘Second Counters’ over Robert Mugabe’s head…I’m just curious 🙂

Enjoy the video!

Entry #12 – The Good, the Bad and the Old

When I think about growing old a number of thoughts spring to my mind: Grey hair, Arthritis, Denches, walking stick, strollers, flat flexi-shoes, copious amounts of medication/suppliments, thick-lensed eye glasses, frail fingers, sagging ear lobes, wrinkles, slow-motion body movement, talking gibberish, forgetfulness, old people’s home, intensified OCD, grumpiness,  long naps, chicken soup, tomato soup, brocolli soup, cauliflower soup…well if you haven’t got teeth at 80 and you don’t want to get food stuck in your denches then soup’s what you’ll probably lean to reluctantly…it’s a scary thought.

It doesn’t mean I want to die young and still have a fine looking corpse. I want to have children, I want to watch them grow, I want to guide my children through life and ensure they grab opportunities I missed in my youth, I want to attend their weddings, I want them to have my grandchildren, I want my children to take care of me but not to point where I seem like an absolute burden, I want to have my whole family close by, I don’t want to be alone when I die…

..xTx..

Lights, Camera, Action!

When it came to Action heroes, one name lay imbedded in my memory as a teen – ARNOLD SWARCHZENEGGER. In the Eighties when ignorance was bliss, I believed that he and all the subsequent action heroes were not ‘acting’ so to speak. With biceps the size of lunchboxes it wasn’t hard to believe then that he could floor five guys with his brute strength alone. His groundbreaking debut, COMMANDO, was simplistic in its plot and concise with dialogue – As a matter of fact, I remember a good half hour of non-stop pulsating gunfire mayhem amidst the rescue of his non-Russian-sounding daughter. After endless rewinding, re-playing, pausing and fast forwarding I was hungry for more…I needed a lot more.

SYLVESTER STALLONE was the immediate antidote I discovered after immersing myself in FIRST BLOOD. The trademark 1 minute-long dress-up sequence in which John Rambo geared up was just an adrenaline booster. I never thought it possible for one man to pack just the right amount of ammo to annihilate an entire platoon. A few bullet wounds and 2 sequels later the thirst returned and I needed it to be quenched pronto.

BRUCE WILLIS didnt have the muscles of Arnie or Stallone but he sure knew how to handle a group of terrorists in DIE HARD. Everything about the plot seemed believe and not too far-fetched. Yes its possible for a cop to go on vacation to see his wife (or ex-wife), Yes its possible for him to arrive at his wife’s fully serviced skyscraper on the exact day the terrorists plan to strike, Yes it is possible for him to hear gunshots just when he’s in the middle of changing clothes,  and yes it is possible for a trigger-happy cop to run around barefoot finding a way to get FBI back up. Bruce Willis seemed like the average cool-headed guy who showed real fear amidst danger unlike the mucho predecessors with faceless expressions. Bruce had the wit to back him up too! 3 catastrophic explosions and 1 sequel later I was ready for a stronger dose.

JACKIE CHAN taught me that one didnt need semi-automatics or AK-47s to ‘blow you away’. Just a lil’ martial art mixed with death-defying stunts and a few funny blunders gave me all the excitement I needed. Hand-to-hand combat never looked so good until I watched POLICE STORY and RUMBLE IN THE BRONX. Everything about he’s fight sequence was real – no stuntman required. If he was trapped btw 2 walls 8ft high then he was going get out with a ‘Prince-of-Persia style’ wall-to-wall leap, just in time to narrowly miss the high-speed van crashing beneath him. Once I found this new taste for martial arts, I slowly weaned myself off the guns and C-4s. It was a new era for dropkicks, roundhouse kicks and clothes-lines.

STEVEN SEAGAL eventually brought an end to all that when he took the fun out of martial arts and made it a split-second ordeal of ultra fast ‘ten-ten’ before breaking his adversary’s arm…backwards. When he decided to get a lil creative he moved on to breaking legs, necks, hands, and then he went into detail when he plucked a few eyes, broke fingers, and ankles. I was more queezy than entertained and I began to ask myself if I was slowly becoming side-tracked. Yes, Seagal was giving me an overdose of whoop-ass but my hands weren’t clapping…they were covering my eyes. Time was against me and I was getting older and older. In a time when WWF was discovered to be a farce I needed a lift, a hit of something strong, but not overkill…cue the dragon!

Or should I say ENTER THE DRAGON. When I first saw BRUCE LEE in action I was mesmerized to say the least. I think it wasnt so much the Kung-fu but the ‘wooh-haw!’ and ‘wataah!’ cries he bellowed through his lightning punches & kicks – He had me glued to the seat and to the screen (and that was responsible for bloodshut eyes & dented sofas). His untimely death is an infinite blow to the action movie industry and till this day he remains an icon.

In my opinion, these are some of the founders who’ve paved the way for the new generation of action movies…and ultimately transformed me into an Action Junkie.

My Top 10 Action Movies

1.  Die Hard
2.  The Matrix
3.  Game of Death
4.  True Lies
5.  T2
6.  House of Flying Daggers
7.  Casino Royale
8.  Kill Bill
9.  Rush hour
10.John Rambo
My Top 5 Action Heroes

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
2. Jackie Chan
3. Bruce Lee
4. Sylvester Stallone
5. Bruce Willis

My Dream Face-Offs

1.  Arnie vs Stallone – Punch up
2.  Bruce Lee vs Jackie Chan – Martial Arts
3.  Keanu Reeves (Matrix) vs Christian Bale (Equilibrium) – Gunfight…in ‘slo-mo’
4.  Uma Thurman vs Michelle Yeoh – Ninja Swordfight
5. Angelina Jolie vs Sigourney Weaver – Chickfight
6. Bruce Willis vs Chris Tucker – Witfight
7. ALIEN vs Predator (IV) – SCI-FIght (lol)
Accolades

*Quick to the rescue – 007
*Relentless to the finish – Rambo
*No-funny business – Arnie
*A woman scorned – Uma Thurman (Kill Bill)

Lover’s ball I

I’m free though I’m trapped in my seat belt
The take-off is sure to make my nausea felt
With fear I meekly pray to get through this flight
Hoping someone near would say, ‘It’ll be alright’
But then this Mean beauty sat next to my side
She was luscious but she had too much pride
Asked her for her name but she cut me short
– making me wish I never came to the airport
10 mins later the plane is elevated into horizon
Simultaneously I can feel my temperature rising
Not caused by the flight but by her tap on my knee
Thought she changed but she just wanted to pass by me
As she cat-walked to the toilet I knew this was love
But we just met so what the hell was I thinking of?

Suddenly there was a thunderous explosion to my right
From where I sat it seemed that one turbine was alight
The pilot inevitably brought a devastating bit of news
A nose-dive was imminent so my prayer was of no use
Passengers were overcome with every type of emotion
I looked out the window and saw we were over an ocean
Ironic since some were crying enough tears to drown us
The trained Air stewardesses were making the most fuss
The plane began its diagonal descent towards the big blue
The seat next to me was empty! That girl didn’t have a clue
I got out my chair and raced towards the engaged restroom
Air stewardesses told me to sit down but I risked my doom
I banged furiously at the door shouting for her to get out
Sounds of the plane piercing thru the sky masked my shout
The door opened but she was bleeding and in much pain
She must have bumped her head after the jerk of the plane
I believe the Powers that be intervened and opened the door
Because she was unconscious…Now I was made her saviour

As fast as I could do it, I dragged her on the floor to her seat
I struggled to put her in as it was hard standing on my feet
The plane was almost vertical and I still wasn’t sitting down
I was strapping the girl in an attempt to save beauty profound
If only I could reach for my own seat now but it was too late
I was now hanging from her armrest, contemplating my fate
The screams were getting louder, and cries were unbearable
Couldn’t cry as I lost all hope and all my energy in general
All I wanted was to try and reach Her lips for one small kiss
I lost my balance and my chance of a kiss was now hopeless

      \\

           \\ 
  
            >-<o

 

As I fell thru the aisle I was sure I saw her opening her eyes
She reached out to me and her voice was the sweetest of cries
Her eyes looked full of tears and her beauty still shone through
In those last seconds I squeezed in a smile; ‘twas all I could do
Last thing I remembered was the sound of my bones breaking
By the time I awoke from the blackout my soul was taken…

…Jollof~

Lover’s ball II

…turbine alight…almost vertical…save beauty…small kiss…hopeless…breaking…soul was taken…<eyes close>

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Detached from earth my weepy soul ascends into the sky
Up where the angels dwell and the other lucky souls cry
Incessant blare of trumpets salute the Almighty one
He gazes down on me warmly like a father to a son
Golden gates open wide like arms longing embrace
I tread softly on alien ground at my own slow pace
Welcomed by gatekeepers signing me into their log
Up ahead a blinding light shines thru the mystic fog
It’s a constitution of single flames burning in unity
Each upheld by a soul in white – symbolising purity
Unknown to me I too wear this bright silky gown
I join the assembly and in one motion we bow down
Suspended in the air is a Book that the devil shames
It’s marked in Holy ink so he is unable to blot names
I soul-search for familiar ones but there were none found
Til I felt a familiar finger tap to which I turned round
Its the once Mean but Angelic Beauty standing by my side
She finally returned my smile and threw away all her pride
My faith in true love restored ‘n all scepticism faded
She takes my hand and whispers, ‘I’m so glad you made it’
Our eyes lock, our lips part, and our heads draw near
A velvet kiss sealed and our feelings are made clear
My sense of taste excited by undertones of eucalyptus
Then we instinctively turn to Psalms to sing the scriptures
We are all singin’ perfectly and I did not need to rehearse
But I hear an offbeat disrupting the rhythm in each verse
It’s my heart…<thud>……<thud>…<thud><th-thud><th-thud>

\

   \

      >-<o

Yet again I slowly lose her grip like I once did on the plane
A sinking feeling, and next I can’t hear what she’s saying
Suddenly my soul falls fast through each sacred cloud
Heading for an eerie room surrounded by a medical crowd
They’re congratulating each other, expressing signs of relief
Thru a glass window my family spy, once overcome with grief
I’ve been returned to the 3rd planet to impart this 1st rhyme
It was a narrow escape … but I pray I get caught a 2nd time…
”Our love will be rekindled after the end of time and it shall last for all eternity.”
R.I.P Passenger 72B 
..xTx..

Lover’s ball III

…turbine alight…almost vertical…save beauty…small kiss…hopeless…breaking…soul was taken…angels dwell…golden gates…silky gown…lips part…velvet kiss…offbeat…soul falls…medical crowd…narrow escape…

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

A tear escapes my eye as Reality reveals an inconsolable fact –
I was returned to a loveless life…and she wasn’t coming back
Like a bride left waiting at the altar, the loneliness I feel is immense
A double-edged dagger could pierce my heart but this is more intense
A bond & balance like no other, Chemisty confirms our love is a pH7 
How can other girls compare when We shared our 1st kiss in Heaven?
Confused by the unfamiliar vicinity but dressed in reminiscent white
Bed-ridden ‘n enslaved to traumatic flashbacks of that damned flight
Earthly parents overwhelm me with love though paternal and maternal
A necessity for the present but I still look forward to that Love-eternal

Emotional sounds dominate yet another irritates, albeit the life-support     
Its master, a white-coated knight, approaches me with a medical report
His valour commended and humbly accepted, he gives a heeded chant
Attention briefly lost but regained after mentions of a heart transplant
Lucky me anxiously and curiously seeks to discover the <i>Unlucky who</i>
– ‘Twas recovered from a passenger-turned-fatality, on that plane too’

My heart discarded, physically, emotionally ‘n replaced instinctively
Now ‘a’ heart functioning beautifully but thumped ever distinctively
I long to seek further, yearn to get closer, ‘n crave to meet my Donor
Embarking on a perpetual bed-cruise that I sooner wished was over
The moment of truth arrives…parked by the bed my saviour rested
Once covered head-to-toe, the unveiling had all my emotions tested

<not her> <not her> <not her> <anyone else but please not her!>
 
But there she was…my hopes in vain as I beheld her Angelic face     
Her life’s purpose done after her heart found its new resting place   
I wail aloud, fingers clenched, and my blood pressure is elevated
My new blood-pump overworked and a near heart-attack initiated
Suddenly, the beating in my chest replicates the tap of a Morse code
A distinct 1-4-3 beat sequence, like my heart’s in ‘I-love-you’ mode
Per chance it was My message to her…or was it Her message to me?
Either way, mutual feelings transcended the boundaries of mortality
Alas the code gets stronger…can’t take it any longer…must…stop…
Drenched in cold sweat, My subconscious beckons me to ‘wake up!’

\

 ….\

………>-<o

Awoken to the stark reality: I dream every night how I miss you
And all I have is your heart and, on my chest, a love scar tissue

Love hurts : (
..xTx..