Tag Archives: celebrity

Entry #14 – A stockmarket with a twist

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Okay, the idea is pretty simple. Forget the convetional company stocks & shares. How about shares based on real people? Obama shares, Madonna stocks, Beckham securities, Federer bonds. It sounds ludicrous but wouldn’t it be more fun? You could naturally keep up with the news on your portfolio by listening to CNN, SkyNews, ESPN, MTV News, etc. and you would be able to know how well they’re performing. You wouldn’t have to wait for your broker to tell you when to sell or when to buy. After recent happenings, today I’d be selling all my Brown shares in the US and the UK (Chris and Gordon) and investing more in Beyonce, Jonas Brothers and SpongeBob Squarepants.

I guess the only problem would be how much value you would put on all these celebrities in the first place. Hmm…I’ll have to go back to the drawing board 🙁

Live @ The MADAwards 2008 (Oscar spoof)

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Good evening ladies & gentlemen and welcome to the MAD Awards where one celebrity will be honoured for being the Most Annoying Dude(tte) to infuriate ‘ T ‘. I am your host T.P reporting to you live from Oceanview, V/I, Lagos where the stars have started arriving.

Over here the paparazzi & mamarazzi are in a frenzy as the big names in the industry walk the red carpet. Coming unto the scene is the Chief Operator of PHCN (NEPA) with his beautiful wife, both their clothes fully ironed unlike most of the other guests. I can also see Ramsey Noah whose due to release his latest movie The Princess & the Pauper. The entire LASTMA crew just went in and I just missed T’s boss. Wow! This promises to be a star-studded event. Just before we go into the auditorium lets hear from last year’s winner…Hey, Aboki!

Okada man – ‘Salam Walekum’

T.P – ‘Er..yeah, hi! Please tell us how you won last year’s award.’

Okada man – ‘Oh, is very easy. You see, when T go to work in the morning I drive bike in front of him and slow down. Then I do not use my trafficator, not even my hand so he no know if I want to turn left or right.’

‘T.P – ‘Really? So what do you do when you want to turn left or right?’

Okada man – ‘I just turn my head left if I wan go left and right if i wan go right, hehehe. T is always horning for me to greet me, hehe.’

T.P – ‘Wow, that would make T really mad. Do you think you will win this year?’

Okada man – ‘Yes, yes. I win it no problem. Wa lie ta lie.’

T.P – ‘Thank you. Enjoy the show.’

This glamourous event is about to start and we’ve got special performances from Konga, Majek Fashek, Blackky and Charlie Boy. As they get ready to tantalize our eardrums, lets go behind the scenes and examine clips from the nominees for this year’s MAD Award:

Kelly D

‘Hi! I’m the caterer that cooks and delivers food to T while he is at work. I think I should win this award because I have upset him on numerous occasions when he has asked for pounded yam and I tell him there’s none left. You know what they say, A hungry man is an angry man. Anyway I’ve tried to remember reserving some for him like he once requested but I keep forgetting. Maybe one day, just one day… (sigh)’

Emmanuel Adebayor

‘Hey, whats up? T is an Arsenal supporter and he has not been particularly pleased with the way we played last season. He is not a die-hard fan but he gets irritated when his co-workers (mostly Chelsea & Man U fans) taunt him after each loss. I personally think I should win the MAD award because I have given him more tantrums than anyone else in the Gunners squad. Ever since I shaved off my dreads I don’t know what happened to my game. Kinda like the Samson story. It’s a new season tho so lets wait and see.’

Anonymous Candy Bandit

‘How far my guy! Don’t mind me jare. I’m rocking this Lagbaja-look because I don’t want T to know who I am. I work in his office so I can’t tell you my name. If you want to see T lose the plot just let me take the chocolate he keeps in the branch manager’s fridge. I wait for T to go out and then I strike! I don’t even take one or two – I take it all and leave no trace. This is why I think I will be the undisputed winner of the MAD award. And if they don’t give me the award na wahala be that o!’

T’s Company driver

‘Good afternoon sir. I dey drive T to im clients anytime he wan go out. But I wan win this award tru tru. So far I don disobey dress code and resumption policy. When I suppose wear white shirt to work on Wednesday I come wear white traditional – na Friday I suppose wear that one. Another time I come wear pink shirt which the bank no dey allow but I come wear am. Oga query me small but nutin dey happen, hehe. In fact, I no come work last Friday sef. Chei! I suppose win this award sha.’

<back to you T.P>

What a shocker! The Okada rider didn’t make the shortlist. It’s now up to the public to decide who will be the new MAD award winner. The results have already been collated and the voting lines are officially closed. The lady going unto the stage to present the award is a previous winner17 years ago. In fact, she won 3 years in a row between 1991 and 1993 whilst T was in Junior Secondary School. She is T’s high-school Yoruba Teacher. The crowd is giving her a warm reception and the Security officials are keeping their eyes peeled for any foul play. The Yoruba Teacher is holding the envelope and she is about to address the audience:

‘Ah E ka san! Se dada ni?…Oh se o gbo? Pele, let me speak in English. The nominees for this year’s MAD award are – Emmanuel Adebayor (applause), T’s company driver (applause), Kelly D (applause) and the Candy Bandit (applause). But before we announce the winner of this award, a quick word from our sponsors…
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“There’s a rumble in my tummy going boom-bata boom-bata boom. It means that I am hungry and Mimi-time is near! I am so excited that I can hardly wait! My mouth is getting ready to sing the Mimi song – Take me, Make me, anyway you like me, mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES boom sha sha MIMI!…Any way you want me, any way you like me, mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES MIMEEEE!…Boom sha sha!!!”
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Ahem, and the winner is… (drum roll)
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…T’S COMPANY DRIVER!!! <unprecedented uproar and applause>
Oh my God!!! It’s complete pandemonium here! Never before has a new comer caused such a stir in MAD history. The ecstatic driver is going up to the stage to collect the beautiful golden award in all its glory. He has given T’s Yoruba teacher two pecks and he is smiling from ear to ear. He is punching up in the air with the award in his hand. No one can contain this man’s joy right now. Oh oh! here comes the thank you speech…

Company driver – ‘Tenk you, tenk you, tenk you. First of all I would like to thank God for making this possible. It was not easy at all to win this award. I don suffer, no be small. I want to thank my papa and my mama wey born me. All the other drivers wey support me I tenk you. And last but not least I want to thank my Oga, T. All this wahala I don cos for am he never sack me commot. Na good oga…very good oga. Tenk you again.’  

And there you have it, a night of entertainment, bewilderment and a new MAD winner – T’s company driver is the Most Annoying Dude for 2008! Special thanks to the guest performers and to Mimee Noodles for the light refreshments. Till next year’s award ceremony, this is T.P signing out and saying Goodnight and God bless.
Copyright © Anger Inc. 2008  All Rights Reserved

Life on planet HTRAE

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Take a step into an alternate world where absolutely anything is possible. There are no limits whatsoever. Mistakes can be corrected. Dead people can be brought to life (please note this point). You can fast-forward from the period of record vinyls to the arrival of MP3s. No point making VHS when you can enjoy DVDs. You can go one step beyond choosing the sex of your unborn child – you can see exactly what he/she would look like…at age 30.

There’s no need to go through two, three or more dead-end jobs after university. You graduate and immediately start earning in your dream job. Dating more than one person is a waste of time when you can wait for the precise moment when you will bump into your perfect partner e.g. 13th April 2009, Wednesday at 3.26pm…on Facebook! Physical attributes will not limit you in any way. You can have the spring in those legs to get you slamdunking your way to the NBAs. You can get the perfect cleavage to nail that job interview (with a male/lesbian boss), to get that wealthy business tycoon or to just boost your self-esteem. You can get the dream physique to get you into the modeling industry too. You don’t hear insecure men going  ‘Size doesn’t matter, it’s the motion in the ocean’. They are all well-endowed naturally, give or take the exaggerated inch ; )

Weight-gain is a thing of the past since all the foods on this planet are engineered to help you maintain your fit healthy body. Goodbye ugly fat people, Hello cast of Beverly Hills 90210! Balding men do not exist here. They can sport their hair any which curl, dread, lock, fringe, mohican, ace-ventura way they like! Gymnasiums go out of business because you can WILL yourself into those desired biceps, triceps, pectorals and abs. It gets better – You and your partner can agree on the exact time you both want to climax together…and you can set it by the milli-second…every single time.

Speaking of time, just wait a damn second! I told you at the very beginning to ‘take a step’. You’ve probably already packed your bags from EARTH and you’re getting ready to set off on a one-way rocket trip to HT-RAE. Don’t you want to know what living there would be like? I can tell you it’s not all you hoped for. Behind this seemingly perfect world there are consequences which you’d have to deal with.

If everyone had the same idea of a perfect athletic build then everyone would be 1st place in the Mens 100m at the Beijing Olympics. Usain Bolt and the other 7 competitors would break & set new world records…together, every four years. There will be no silver or bronze medals to give out because everyone would get a gold one. If all the women at an interview employed the same cleavage tactic then the male/lesbian boss would have a hard time making a selection. If everyone could look like or act as well as the big Hollywood stars then there wouldn’t be a point for giving out Oscars.

If dating was only reserved till the moment you would meet your destined partner then you would live an inexperienced love life. Yes you can make all the mistakes and correct them when you meet ‘the one’ but why go through all that hassle? If we were enjoying the latest-est-est-est technology NOW then there would be nothing better to look forward to. Transition can be a slow process but its fun when you can look back at where you started. But this planet would also be extremely competitive. You wouldn’t be able to stand out in virtually anything. How can you be the best at something when everyone else doing ‘that thing’ is just as good? Think about it. Do you still want to go to planet HT-RAE now?

If I’ve succeeded in convincing you otherwise then you have made the right decision. Life on EARTH is tough but that’s why you should see it as a challenge. Live the experience. Try again if you don’t succeed the first time. Believe in yourself and pray, pray and then pray some more.

At this point I want you to know that HT-RAE is not just my imagination. It exists and I’m going back there…only, you’re not invited because it’s getting pretty crowded up in here – with all the dead people being brought back to life and all, lol. See you when I get back!

N.B – Ticket availability (1 left)

..xTx..