‘D’ is for Desperado

des·per·a·do /despəˈrädō/ a bold or violent criminal; a desperate person who has no hope. If you’ve ever heard anyone say, ‘Desperate times call for desperate measures’ then take a wild guess what they will be getting up to? No Good, that’s what!

Just a few days ago I was looking outside my office window when I suddenly noticed some commotion involving a motorcyclist and some banking officers. In the centre of it all was a man grimacing on the tarmac. It was reasonably safe to assume that the corporate vehicle the banking officers were in had hit the poor man. To my surprise I saw the victim grabbing hold of the grill of the car as the driver tried to reverse. Was this a foiled hit-and-run? Coincidentally a colleague of mine, an eye-witness, narrated what really happened…

The corporate car had just driven out of the car park and stopped by the pavement to pick up the banking officers. The driver came out of the car to put items in the boot before setting off. Unfortunately as the driver was about to get back into the car a motorcycle carrying a passenger clipped the driver’s door even as the driver quickly tried to close it. But what happened next baffled my colleague – the motorcyclist turned his head, peered into the car and after ‘sizing up the talent’ seated in the backseat he proceeded to literally fall off his bike! Everyone around the scene looked on with disbelief…including the motorcyclist’s passenger who had already jumped off the bike unscathed.

The motorcyclist started to clutch his knee with ‘agony’ and strategically positioned himself in front of the rogue vehicle (so as to prevent the embarrassing scenario of the driver zooming off). He deliberately left his bike lying helplessly on its side while standby motorcyclists assisted to get it off the road. The driver knew the desperado’s game but he wasn’t ready to deal. They argued with each other and the fault was knocked back and forth like a tennis ball in a Nadal vs Federer endurance match. When the driver finally called a time-out he attempted to reverse the car in order to make a getaway. The trickster unexpectedly grabbed the grill of the Slow and Furious Toyota Corolla. He was barely dragged 10 inches before the car driver decided to stop and re-evaluate his next tactic.

The next and most effective choice of play by one of the banking officers however was to grease the motorcyclist’s palm (not literally, of course). At least that cut short his endless lament about how he was denied the payment he otherwise would have received from his passenger before the ‘wack-cident’ (nobody heard the passenger shout, YOU LIE! in the background, sigh). After the car sped off the injured motorcyclist miraculously stood on his two feet, mounted his bike and all onlooking motorcyclists cheered and hailed him – not  because he made a quick recovery but because he had made a quick buck! N1000  ($6 or thereabout). The desperado rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after…

Have you witnessed any acts of desperation? Are you an ex Commando Desperado with a few nasty stories to share? Like Fraiser Krane, I’m listening 😀

See also C is for Cursing       

Entry #56 – Hit and run

The (Black) Chery A520

2days ago I was driving back home in my black Chery after work in the evening when I encountered an overzealous motorpsyhcolist motorcyclist  at a roundabout. I was well on my way to detour into my street when the bike decided to cut across at the last minute. It was a very close shave. I braked suddenly and the motorcyclist also swerved to avoid a head-on collision. However he scampered unto a nearby kerb in the process and lost balance – both he and his male passenger stumbled to the ground. I, on the otherhand, sped off!

Technically I didn’t hit the bike or its passengers so could this really be called a Hit and Run? I think the appropriate expression would be Brake and Run – that’s what I did. The reason why I ran is that Lagos motorcyclists can be notorious for their guerilla justice i.e. ganging up with other motorcyclists and then outnumbering Poor You. Before you know it, stories are being fabricated against you and everything you say is a lie. Your car could be vandalized and you could even be picked up by LASTMA (these road marshalls are the equivalent of the Gestapo around these parts).

Sincerely speaking, if I had made contact with the bike I would have stopped and parked off the road to attend to the pseudo-casualties. I had the right of way and the bike cut across, jumping a red light. Well, I’m sure the motorcyclist and his passengers were okay. It’s not like they lost balance on the main road and got trampled upon by uncoming motorists. Now that would have been a sight…yikes!

Live @ The MADAwards 2008 (Oscar spoof)

Good evening ladies & gentlemen and welcome to the MAD Awards where one celebrity will be honoured for being the Most Annoying Dude(tte) to infuriate ‘ T ‘. I am your host T.P reporting to you live from Oceanview, V/I, Lagos where the stars have started arriving.

Over here the paparazzi & mamarazzi are in a frenzy as the big names in the industry walk the red carpet. Coming unto the scene is the Chief Operator of PHCN (NEPA) with his beautiful wife, both their clothes fully ironed unlike most of the other guests. I can also see Ramsey Noah whose due to release his latest movie The Princess & the Pauper. The entire LASTMA crew just went in and I just missed T’s boss. Wow! This promises to be a star-studded event. Just before we go into the auditorium lets hear from last year’s winner…Hey, Aboki!

Okada man – ‘Salam Walekum’

T.P – ‘Er..yeah, hi! Please tell us how you won last year’s award.’

Okada man – ‘Oh, is very easy. You see, when T go to work in the morning I drive bike in front of him and slow down. Then I do not use my trafficator, not even my hand so he no know if I want to turn left or right.’

‘T.P – ‘Really? So what do you do when you want to turn left or right?’

Okada man – ‘I just turn my head left if I wan go left and right if i wan go right, hehehe. T is always horning for me to greet me, hehe.’

T.P – ‘Wow, that would make T really mad. Do you think you will win this year?’

Okada man – ‘Yes, yes. I win it no problem. Wa lie ta lie.’

T.P – ‘Thank you. Enjoy the show.’

This glamourous event is about to start and we’ve got special performances from Konga, Majek Fashek, Blackky and Charlie Boy. As they get ready to tantalize our eardrums, lets go behind the scenes and examine clips from the nominees for this year’s MAD Award:

Kelly D

‘Hi! I’m the caterer that cooks and delivers food to T while he is at work. I think I should win this award because I have upset him on numerous occasions when he has asked for pounded yam and I tell him there’s none left. You know what they say, A hungry man is an angry man. Anyway I’ve tried to remember reserving some for him like he once requested but I keep forgetting. Maybe one day, just one day… (sigh)’

Emmanuel Adebayor

‘Hey, whats up? T is an Arsenal supporter and he has not been particularly pleased with the way we played last season. He is not a die-hard fan but he gets irritated when his co-workers (mostly Chelsea & Man U fans) taunt him after each loss. I personally think I should win the MAD award because I have given him more tantrums than anyone else in the Gunners squad. Ever since I shaved off my dreads I don’t know what happened to my game. Kinda like the Samson story. It’s a new season tho so lets wait and see.’

Anonymous Candy Bandit

‘How far my guy! Don’t mind me jare. I’m rocking this Lagbaja-look because I don’t want T to know who I am. I work in his office so I can’t tell you my name. If you want to see T lose the plot just let me take the chocolate he keeps in the branch manager’s fridge. I wait for T to go out and then I strike! I don’t even take one or two – I take it all and leave no trace. This is why I think I will be the undisputed winner of the MAD award. And if they don’t give me the award na wahala be that o!’

T’s Company driver

‘Good afternoon sir. I dey drive T to im clients anytime he wan go out. But I wan win this award tru tru. So far I don disobey dress code and resumption policy. When I suppose wear white shirt to work on Wednesday I come wear white traditional – na Friday I suppose wear that one. Another time I come wear pink shirt which the bank no dey allow but I come wear am. Oga query me small but nutin dey happen, hehe. In fact, I no come work last Friday sef. Chei! I suppose win this award sha.’

<back to you T.P>

What a shocker! The Okada rider didn’t make the shortlist. It’s now up to the public to decide who will be the new MAD award winner. The results have already been collated and the voting lines are officially closed. The lady going unto the stage to present the award is a previous winner17 years ago. In fact, she won 3 years in a row between 1991 and 1993 whilst T was in Junior Secondary School. She is T’s high-school Yoruba Teacher. The crowd is giving her a warm reception and the Security officials are keeping their eyes peeled for any foul play. The Yoruba Teacher is holding the envelope and she is about to address the audience:

‘Ah E ka san! Se dada ni?…Oh se o gbo? Pele, let me speak in English. The nominees for this year’s MAD award are – Emmanuel Adebayor (applause), T’s company driver (applause), Kelly D (applause) and the Candy Bandit (applause). But before we announce the winner of this award, a quick word from our sponsors…
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“There’s a rumble in my tummy going boom-bata boom-bata boom. It means that I am hungry and Mimi-time is near! I am so excited that I can hardly wait! My mouth is getting ready to sing the Mimi song – Take me, Make me, anyway you like me, mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES boom sha sha MIMI!…Any way you want me, any way you like me, mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES MIMEEEE!…Boom sha sha!!!”
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Ahem, and the winner is… (drum roll)
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…T’S COMPANY DRIVER!!! <unprecedented uproar and applause>
Oh my God!!! It’s complete pandemonium here! Never before has a new comer caused such a stir in MAD history. The ecstatic driver is going up to the stage to collect the beautiful golden award in all its glory. He has given T’s Yoruba teacher two pecks and he is smiling from ear to ear. He is punching up in the air with the award in his hand. No one can contain this man’s joy right now. Oh oh! here comes the thank you speech…

Company driver – ‘Tenk you, tenk you, tenk you. First of all I would like to thank God for making this possible. It was not easy at all to win this award. I don suffer, no be small. I want to thank my papa and my mama wey born me. All the other drivers wey support me I tenk you. And last but not least I want to thank my Oga, T. All this wahala I don cos for am he never sack me commot. Na good oga…very good oga. Tenk you again.’  

And there you have it, a night of entertainment, bewilderment and a new MAD winner – T’s company driver is the Most Annoying Dude for 2008! Special thanks to the guest performers and to Mimee Noodles for the light refreshments. Till next year’s award ceremony, this is T.P signing out and saying Goodnight and God bless.
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