Author Archives: jollof

BBNaija Lockdown 2020 Updates: Down to 7

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With less than two weeks till the end of the BB Naija Lockdown season the reality show has been nothing short of creative compared to previous seasons. After the unceremonious exit of Billionaire son – Kiddwaya and unlucky HoH arena game contender Prince last weekend the remaining HMs had no idea about the twist to come the following Monday with the arena games.

The usual snake and ladders-inspired game was played with much dexterity by all the HMs because it meant immunity from being nominated for possible eviction. Nengi had luck on her side as she emerged the HoH winner but with no provision to choose a deputy HoH. Then came the twist from Big Brother – unlike previous weeks where HMs would nominate two HMs each, this time around BB divided the losers of the arena games into two groups (Black and White team) and asked each team to nominate two HMs from the opposing team after a 30 minute period. Lovebirds Neo and Vee were different teams but that did not deter them from stylishly saving each other from being nominated in each other’s opposing teams.

After what appeared to be a carefully executed strategy of misdirection by Vee and Neo the final four up for possible eviction are Dora, Ozo, Laycon and Trikytee. Well, I would write more but the show is about to start. See you on the next post šŸ˜€

BBNaija Lockdown 2020 Updates: Down to 9

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It has been the best of times and the worst of times. After three housemates were evicted two Sundays ago (Tolanibaj, Wathoni and Brighto) tension was on the rise as the remaining housemates tried to cope with the absence of a close companion. But the worst of it came from the HoH for last week (Erica) who had a series of altercations with various housemates and broke several Big Brother rules in the process. She provoked several housemates with insults and also deprived the DHoH of sleeping on the bed in the HoH lounge by pouring water on the bed. Big brother gathered all the HMs and played back the events ahead of Erica’s announcement of her third and final strike leading to her immediate disqualification from the game.

Following Erica’s unceremonious exit with no interview Ebuka, Lucy was announced as the next evictee and she scurried off to the exit door without looking back at the HMs. During her interview with Ebuka she explained that the reason for leaving abruptly was so that she could avoid shedding tears. The HMs seemed quite relieved that Lucy had left but there were mixed feelings about the way Erica left. My unbiased thoughts – she deserved the disqualification. She had 2 previous strikes and a stern final warning yet she went too far with the abuse, goading and complete disregard for her DHoH. Kiddwaya seems to have moved on fairly quickly.

It was all jubilation after the Arena games ended in a five-way tie and then a deciding game resulted in Trikytee becoming the HoH. His surprise deputy choice was Laycon (which made sense because all the other HMs would never have picked him as DHoH if they were picked and had all already been inside the HoH lounge). The warm embrace between the two was the stuff of movies and really tugged at my heartstrings. The other HMs all gave an applause almost as if to affirm that he made a wise choice which they certainly would not have made. Trikytee so far has been the funniest HoH from his poses on the BB throne to the swag with which he reads out BB’s tasks. This will be his first week of being immune from eviction after being up four consecutive times.

This week the four HMs up for eviction are: Kiddwaya, Ozo, Prince and Dorathy. It will be tough determining which of these HMs will be going home this Sunday. If Erica had behaved herself and controlled her alcohol intake perhaps Vee would have been evicted along with Lucy. With the dynamics in play Vee is safe for this week. Nengi isn’t seeming too concerned that Ozo is up for eviction – after all she was only up for eviction last week. Ozo is concerned as it is his first time but Trikytee the veteran assures him that by midweek he will be fine.

With only three weeks left to go before the voting public will have to decide the winner from the last five, it’s going to be interesting to see how HMs behave and interact with each other.

Ships status

  • Kiddrica – Capsized
  • Neve – Adrift
  • Ozone – Still at the dock

BBNaija Lockdown 2020 Updates: Down to 15

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5 out and 15 left to fight for N85m worth of prizes.

Quick recap

It has been a roller-coaster this last couple of weeks – Tochi and Eric were evicted from the Big Brother house two weeks ago and then last week the bottom four were Kaisha, TrikyTee, Wathoni and Neo. Vee burst into tears as soon as Neo’s name was called by Ebuka. Kaisha was the first of the four to see the Big Brother Exit door and in similar fashion the remaining housemates expected a second name to be called for eviction. In a twist of fate Ebuka announced that the remaining nominated housemates were safe, to which Neo went flat on the floor with relief. Tension soon got doused and the housemates had a moment to reflect.

The Koko

Two weeks ago when Erica was HoH and nominated Kiddwaya as her DHoH it was a bittersweet experience – sweet for Erica and Kidd but bitter for the rest of the housemates, especially Laycon. Erica got into altercations with at least two female housemates (Lucy and Wathoni) and on top of that the house lost their wager. Everyone managed to find solace in eating food in silos or as couples. The house was clearly divided. Fast forward to this week, we saw Kiddwaya emerge as the new HoH after beating his closest rival (Prince) in the Arena game. Kidd picked Tolanibaj as his DHoH since Erica was exempt from being either HoH or DHoH but Tolanibaj is a close friend to Erica. Kidd was determined to establish his new regime as one that is fair to all and brings the housemates together. This was not as easy as he had hoped

Animal Farm

Kiddwaya wanted the housemates to eat together like a family as they had done when they first came into the BB house. Two separate pots of food were made for some reason. One pot was shared to all but when one of the housemates asked about the other pot Erica (neither a HoH or DHoH) said it was for four people (presumably Prince, Tolanibaj, Kidd and herself). This got Praise, Wathoni and a few others worked up and they went into factions. Later it was discovered that the same pot in contention was carried to the HoH private lounge for ‘safekeeping’ (If anyone knows what happened to that pot of stew please drop a comment). A second attempt at eating together was somewhat achieved when Nengi cooked for the house. Her jollof rice and chicken was well received by all.

Big Brother on vacaction

BB called in Kidd to secretly inform him that he was going away for some days but didn’t want the other housemates to know. He instructed Kidd that if he was able to keep this a secret then he would get a prize on his return. So far Kidd has done a good job – not so sure about BB who is always calling some phone to the hearing of all the housemates who have come to accept BB’s new way of interacting with Kidd only. Smh.

Happy Birthday Vee

Neo professed his love to Vee and disclosed the secret plans behind the scene to get her flowers. She was pleasantly surprised and BB arranged for a birthday cake and munchies. They all said a few words to appreciate and wish Vee the best (except for Neo who rambled into a never-ending epistle). They were obviously served the most food that evening.

Eviction Prediction

Wathoni has shown lack of interest in being in the BB house. She is likely to be the one of the bottom four housemates with the least votes.

BBNaija Lockdown 2020 Updates: Down to 18

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Quick Recap

Last Sunday must have been a shocker for all Big Brother Naija Fans – after the public voted for for housemates they wanted to keep in the BB House, the bottom four with the least votes were Eric, Katrina, Lilo and Praise. Big Brother went on to ask the remaining housemates to each pick two out of the four nominated housemates whom they would want to see leave the BB House. Unfortunately the show organizers did not allow viewers to see all the nominations. The result – Erica and Lilo were evicted, leaving Praise and Eric devastated and relieved respectively (Praise went to sulk in his bed while Eric drowned his emotions in a plate of hot Indomie. So much for the #Liric ship). It’s game on and all the housemates seemed to have woken from their slumber.

The Koko

#BBLucy was head of house (HoH) last week and virtually all the housemates complained about her brash approach to leadership (It was actually dictatorship). She claims to have had a premonition that she would be going home this Sunday. #BBOzo is the current HoH and it seems everything is going his way: He enjoyed his birthday celebration courtesy of Big Brother, he won the HoH role (choosing #BBDora as his deputy), and he recently won an arena challenge which translates to getting pampered compulsorily by the other housemates for the rest of the week. Even #BBNengi appears to be warming up to him after giving him a tough time from Day 1. Perhaps there’s hope for the #Ozone ship yet.

Change of Strategy

Praise – After almost getting evicted last week he went from motivational speaker to comedian. Hope his exceptional housemate-mimicking tactics will win the hearts of new fans.

Neo – All of a sudden he’s turned to the gossip monger carrying the Ozone ship matter on his head. There have been some heated exchanges between #BBDorathy and #BBNengi but #BBOzo has done well in keeping things calm.

All We Do Is Win Win Win!

Thanks to Ozo and his meticulous leadership the housemates won their wager (for the first time in this season’s history). The mood in the house went from zero to a hundred (Kupe) and they’re glad to have more cash to buy available food options for the week. The housemates have shown more seriousness with daily chores and arena games so their wins were well deserved.

From Bore To Snore

The following housemates have had no impact in the house and may as well be invisible: Wathoni, Tolanibaj, Kaisha and Eric.

Heartbreak

#BBLaycon beheld a passionate kiss between #Erica and #Kiddwaya which was too much for him to handle – so much so he left the group and went to his room. #BBPraise gave him a good pep talk and encouraged him to keep his head up. By Sunday there will be more heartbreak when at least one housemate gets evicted from the BB House. In the meantime it’s going to be lit in the house party tonight. Keep it locked.

BBNaija Lockdown 2020 Updates: Served Hot

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Image source: https://dailypost.ng/

Quick recap

Two weeks ago 20 housemates went into the Big Brother house for the Season 5 edition tagged #bbnaijalockdown (on Twitter although many have argued it should have been themed ‘BBN Entanglement’). 10 young men and 10 young women all competing for N85m worth of prizes (peanuts when compared to the number of sms sent by the public every minute for duration of the show (90 days…yeah, do the math). Now that’s out of the way let’s get right down to it.

The Koko

Emotions (commonly mistaken for chemistry) between housemates have led to the development of some face-offs and situation-ships. If I were to put these 20 housemates into categories it would be as follows (as at today):
Getting the men’s attention: Nengi, Erica, Lilo, Vee and Dora
Getting the women’s attention: Kiddwaya, Eric, Neo, Prince and Ozo
Getting Friend-zoned: Laycon, TrickyTee and Tochi
Getting ignored: Kaisha, Lucy and Brighto
Getting their way (no HoH): Praise
Getting into drama: Ka3na and Tolanibaj
Getting by: Wathoni

Ships gathering full steam:

  • The Kiddrica
  • The Liric
  • The Neve

Ships that hit an iceberg:

  • The Ozone

The Love Triangle Dodecagon (12 sides):

Eric likes Lilo who’s close to Vee who likes Neo whose nipple was licked by Ka3na who doesn’t go for younger men but actually likes Praise who wants to see Ozo get close to Nengi who likes Prince who spends time with Wathoni who likes Kidd who would rather date Erica who is attracted to Laycon ‘mentally’.

Best quote this week: Praise – ‘I WANT TO KISS SOMEBODY’S WIFE!’

On the Front Burna:

Praise, Dora and Trickytee have instigated a next level game that would make their last Truth or Dare game look like child’s play. This Saturday night invitees have been advised to brush their teeth, use mouthwash and do not come to the War and Dark room if they have cold feet or wish to be more spectators.

Prediction for Sunday eviction: Kaysha

Did you enjoy the analyses? Share with others and drop a comment. Also check back for another post where I ‘break fings down’. Thanks for reading!

Why Women’s handbags should come with Google search

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Have you been in a queue at the supermarket and had a woman in front of you rummaging through her handbag for her credit card?

Have you dropped a woman off at her place after a romantic evening and waited while she ransacked her handbag for her front door key?

Have you had to place several phone calls to a woman whom you had no idea couldn’t answer your phone call because she hadn’t found her phone in her handbag?

What is it with women and big handbags? Why do they seem to keep getting bigger and bigger? It wouldn’t hurt for somebody to tell the manufacturers to stop increasing the depth of these handbags because of the externalities that result from their production i.e. the shoppers queuing behind at the teller point, the driver waiting to zoom off, and the concerned friend at the end of an unanswered phone call. Wouldn’t it be nice if handbags in the 21st century came with a pre-installed Google search to help navigate inside the handbags? This is how I propose these special handbags should work if, for example a womanĀ decides she needs to locate her wallet to pay for some goods:

Step 1 – Handbag owner performs a search for her wallet by saying, ‘Google, wallet’

Step 2 – She inserts her hand into the handbag and is guided by a voice in the handbag; ‘Deeper…Deeper…that’s it…you’re almost there…left a bit…’ (Well, I’ll have to work on the lingo not sounding like a Rated R movie.)

Step 3 – Once the voice says, ‘Wallet found’ the handbag owner can grab accurately.

Well I better send a proposal to the app developers at Google pronto šŸ˜›

Just Leave It!

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It’s been 3 months of working from home and I think the most popular phrase I’ve heard myself say is ‘Leave it!’. Sometimes I’ve said it in succession so much so that I’m thinking of releasing a cover of the King of Pop’s classic with a chorus like this:

Just leave it! (leave it) Leave it! (leave it)

All she’s gonna do is break it

Sure she’s not working. Sure it’s my plight

If it gets broken who’s gonna buy it?

Just leave it, leave it, leave it…(leave it Ɨ4)

Bless my daughter. She is quite the inquisitive type, always wanting to know how things work, why things light up, and how everything that can fit in her hand tastes. Interestingly enough like me she takes hygiene very seriously – when I use the sanitizer dispenser I rub my palms. When I pour some for her she rubs both palms and then uses one palm to clean her tongue (only she knows where she’s been).

Working from home couldn’t be more adventurous because you don’t know what she’s almost going to damage if you’re not looking. I have a rough daily count of my Leave It chorus:

My phone whilst charging – Once a day

Water dispenser without a cup – Twice a day

TV remote already replaced – More than twice a day

My official laptop – I’ve lost count

Well my consolation with this behaviour is that it’s only a phase and like the Corona virus it will pass very soon šŸ™‚


Fiction: 2021 (Pt.2)

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I walked into my office and met the usual two early risers: one cleaner employed to vacuum-clean, mop the floors and wash dishes. The other was contracted to neutralize the Corona virus handle detailed cleaning, disinfecting and sanitizing of every visible surface in the entire office space. I knew the latter was hard at work from the offensive bleach odours invading my nostrils. No doubt about it – when it came to hygiene my office could go toe to toe with a 5 star hospital.

My colleagues began to troop in one after the other in mask-off mode. We had all gotten quite acquainted to sitting beyond spitting distance from each other. The result – tendency to focus more on the work at hand and less time for idle chit-chat or probable virus transmission. Lunchtime was implicitly observed at one’s desk or in the lunchroom if only one person had a 4-seating table to oneself. Unfortunately one could not exercise proper social distancing in the restroom (at least I can speak for the males). The urinals were not designed for this new era as evident from the distance between them.

Curfews had been extended gradually every fortnight by the state government until midnight but nothing beyond. This was obviously bad news for night crawlers but for old fashioned family men like me (Disclaimer: I have been known to have quite a few doppelgangers on the bar scene) I was happy to close from work and get home as early as I could. On that day in particular my wife and I were not eager to walk into a sea of scattered toys, a gallery of amateur graffiti walls and a solo-performance from our unsigned artiste (no amp required). We heard that a new movie experience was in town – at least new to Lagosians.

The pandemic took its toll on the local movie theatres while Netflix and Cable TV giants were cashing out on both the health-conscious and the care-free couch potatoes. One movie theatre decided to launch a drive-in cinema. You could enjoy your own air space, recline your seat to 180 degrees, mount your feet on the dashboard, binge on whatever picnic basket you prepared. Only thing I’d have to worry about is getting good seats parking space also within pee-holding distance to the restrooms. Movie wasn’t due to start for another half hour so we decided to stroll to a nearby bar to see what anti-COVID enhancements may have been made. We were pleasantly surprised…

Image credits: autojosh.com

The White-Collar Nigerian Wears T.M. Lewin

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He wakes up around 4.30am and eventually drags himself out of bed by 5am (after engaging the 5-minute snooze button six times, of course). He does this from Monday to Friday; not because he wants to but because he knows if he doesn’t he’ll risk reporting to the office after 7.30am, by which time his line supervisor would issue him a well deserved query. He does a fast clean – no literally, FAST as in Face, Armpits, Scalp and Teeth. It’s arguably ineffective but fools all his colleagues ,whom may actually be birds of the same feather. He throws on his T.M. Lewin shirt – the shirt that makes a bold statement in the business world, the shirt that is so often used to impress at that desperately awaited job interview, the shirt that shouts to the world, ‘I care about how I look and I know I look damn good. Don’t cha wish your T.M was hot like mine?’ But after all this he complements this pristine shirt badly with his overworked suit before dashing out to hustle for sardine space in an overloaded public bus.

Nasal carbon dioxide exchange is on the high especially on those rainy days where you can’t open the windows too much. The sweat is no match for his Brut antiperspirant but his T.M Lewin collar gets it, and so does the full length of his arm sleeve rubbing against the perspiring brute aka bus conductor. He gets off at the usual bus stop and walks down to his office 10 minutes away. His T.M Lewin isn’t looking as sharp as when you first put it on. The starch-effect is fast fading and as he speeds up the stairs and arrives at his desk with one more accessory than the neck tie and cuff links he left home with – sweat beads. He makes it just in time for his weekly review meeting which is no different from the Spanish inquisition.

Alas, T.M. Lewin can’t impress his boss if his sales figures can’t. In fact, it becomes a source of ridicule; how he can look so good and yet have his figures look so bad. He returns to work after the meeting…dejected and demoralized…he goes to the restroom to have a private moment to reflect. He’s arrested in his tracks as he’s greeted by Mr. T.M Lewin staring right back at him in the mirror. His momentary admiration borders on narcissism but he suddenly leaks a little smile, adjusts his lopsided necktie and tells himself, ‘One day I will rise…I will break away and do my own thing…The world hasn’t seen the best of me…I’m the man’. He rolls up his sleeves then leaves the restroom. He walks back to his table with his head held high with an air of confidence…in his sparkling white (but slightly wrinkled) custom-fitted T.M. Lewin. He looks good so he feels good. He is ready to face the day’s challenges and slave put in some overtime to get back into his master’s good book where the latter was once impressed by the T.M. Lewin look…

How to make a Chapman drink

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For as long as I can remember there has been this fascination with the large red cocktail more commonly pronounced by the average Nigerian as ‘Shapman’. It has become synonymous with the popular orders made at our local Chinese restaurants, Recreational Clubs and more recently, weddings (though our wedding planners are notorious for being extremely selective with Chapman distribution – Iā€˜ve never been offered any to date). Its origin is arguably in Nigeria but no one knows for sure. It isnā€™t necessarily expensive to buy (between N300 and N1000, i.e. $6 max.) nor is it difficult to make. But I think I know why thereā€™s such a fuss over this bitter-sweet refreshment – it just tastes so damn good!

Today Iā€™m running a small Chapman factory in my apartment (okay, not really but I do make them rather frequently) and I want to share the recipe for you to enjoy. Learn how to make Chapman is 6 easy steps!:

CHAPMAN RECIPE FOR 1 PERSON

  1. Get a large tumbler/glass mug (necessary if you want to make your Chapman-experience last a bit)
  2. Fill the glass halfway with ice cubes
  3. Pour a capfulĀ of Grenadine or any blackcurrant cordial into the glass (for that red glow)
  4. Pour in 2shotsĀ of Bitters – Any bitters you can find but you can also use CampariĀ (In Lagos, Angostura Bitters is available at Goodies for N3,200).
  5. Pour in equal amounts ofā€¦believe it or notā€¦Fanta and Sprite then mix it up
  6. Throw in a slice of lemon, garnish with a cucumber slice and dip-in a bendy straw
  7. Sip slowly and try not to hum too much as your taste-buds go into a frenzy.
  8. If you enjoyed this article show your appreciation by leaving a comment, or clicking on @dcrazynigerianĀ and following me or sending a thank you mail to dcrazynigerian@gmail.com Ā .Ā Thank you for your support!

Well there you have it. Simple, isnā€™t it? So the next time youā€™re sitting by your computer and one of your (anti-social) friends sends you a mouth-watering cocktailā€¦via Facebook, make a Chapman to quench that insatiable thirst your ā€˜friendā€˜ created (remember to do point 7 ^^)ā€¦and then proceed to delete that friend from your Friend list (optional).

CHAPMAN RECIPE FOR 100 people

Youā€™d need the following (if you are serving in small plastic cups):

– 1.5 litres of Ribena/BlacurrantĀ cordial/GrenadineĀ (about 1 big table spoon poured at the base of each cup)
– 50 cans of Sprite (half of each can poured into a cup)
– 50 cans of Fanta (half of each can poured into a cup)
– 10 medium lemons (each sliced in 10, making 100 slices)
– 10 medium cucumbers (each sliced into 20 and served two pieces per cup)
– 4 bottles of AlomoĀ bitters or 3 bottles of AngosturraĀ bitters (a capful poured into each cup)
– Probably 500 ice cubes equivalent (cheaper if you have ice trays at home. 5 cubes per cup)
– 100 bendy straws.
– Mixers (long plastic stirrers) are optional as you can use the straws to mix the drinks

N.B ā€“ If you use large mugs instead of plastic cups then use 100 cans of Sprite and 100 cans of FantaĀ (1 can of Sprite and Fanta per mug). Everything else remains the same.