In the last 6 weeks the Federal Government of Nigeria has sensitized its citizens about the spread of the acute virus which currently has been reported in 10 states namely Bauchi, Nasarawa, Niger, Taraba, Kano, Rivers, Edo, Plateau, Gombe and … Continue reading →
I cherish my Sundays – Church at 7am; breakfast around 10am (full English, of course); Siesta from 12pm till my stomach begins to grumble for lunch; and all the cable TV my four-eyes can handle thereafter. You can therefore imagine my bewilderment when at about 6pm I got a tweet on my blackberry from a friend claiming he saw a hilarious picture of me that made him ‘ROTF’ (to which I blurted out, ‘WTF!’).
The first thing I panicked about was whether there was some scandalous picture of me floating about on the web. Was I possibly completely naked or even worse, half-naked? (like being caught with your pants down doing a ‘number 2’). Could some scorned ex-girlfriend be wreaking her revenge online? Had someone hacked into my Facebook account (again!) and gone flickr-happy with my photos? The suspense was killing me; that’s why I stupidly clicked on the link/url at the end of my friend’s tweet. Big mistake!
Beknown to me, I had just clicked my way into a big world of sh*t. What appeared as a twitter login page was actually a spamming site that was designed to fool donkeys like me. 30 minutes later some of my twitter contacts were sending me messages saying they can’t see the picture. Next thing I saw were tweets from myself bragging about how I made $300 online using ‘this amazing software’; and a few minutes later I was tweeting about how I lost 10kg in 2 weeks – that’s when it finally dawned on me that my twitter profile had been hacked…hee-haw!
Against my own will I decided to change my profile name and password before all my followers blocked my tweets. I can’t say that it has worked but only time will tell…
Crazy_Nigerian: This is the cool site I’ve been searching for that allows you to view the exact geographical location of all your Facebook, twitter, blackberry and i-phone pals on the map absolutely free! Just click here http://you.must.be.an.idiot
1.37pm – As I sit here in this corporate prison, choked by my own Finelli necktie and nauseated by this cologne that I use predominantly for this ‘Five to Nine’ (No typo – I wake up 5am and get back by 9pm), I already dread the impending road congestion parade and the utter disregard of the highway code by notorious ‘motorpsycholists’ (Again, no typo).
I begin to analyze the principle of Cause and Effect with relevance to the current state of economic affairs. Most Nigerian banks have been exposed to risk by careless lending (Cause) which may potentially lead to colossal money losses (Effect). Some banks go on a defensive and start to cut their ‘losses’ by cutting jobs. Cutting jobs leads to lowered morale within the retained workforce, but jobhunting and high blood pressure for the booted. Jobhunting for 1month = Anticipation. Jobhunting for 2-3months = Frustration. Jobhunting for 4-6months = Desperation. Jobhunting for over 6-8months = (Possible) Suicide contemplation. Jobhunting for 8-10months = Partial transformation to Schemer/Scammer. Jobhunting for over 1year = Complete transformation to Schemer/Scammer.
Everyday you are thankful that you still have a job…a reason to get dressed in the morning…a reason to smile at the end of each month. The hard-hitting reality is a pill too bitter to swallow – the Recession is the new stealth virus whose only close rival is Swine flu. But the Recession doesn’t just stop at cutting jobs, deteriorating health and inducing paranoia about job security. It goes on to have an adverse effect on the economy. With the rise in unemployment comes the surge in crime and there are bound to be casualties.
Alas, my lunch break is over. I see my work before me and the ghost of Recession hovering in the distance with a dark cloak and a razor-sharp sickle. It is ready to harvest jobs but I am not ready to yield it any fruit. I am armed with my product knowledge, I.T and Marketing skills, an excellent appraisal, and a prayer. I must remain relevant in the system to avoid being weeded out. I must avoid the weeds around me who harbor toxic attiitudes. I will not be choked up. I will loosen my Finelli necktie and switch to another cologne. I will take control of my destiny, look the 8-foot Grim Recession Reaper in the eye and say, “You want my job? You’re going to have to get past me first!”
All this who-ha about swine flu. Has anyone asked how this came about in the first place? Did a farmer accidentally ingest the mucus of a sick pig after it sneezed without a hanky? Did some twisted nymphomaniac with an animal fetish get too intimate with a pig and develop a brand new H1N1 virus? I’ve heard it all and the names just keep getting more and more ridiculous – Chicken Pox, Mad cow disease, Bird Flu/Avian flu and now Swine flu. What next? Iguana flu? Why don’t we take it upon ourselves to keep the vicinity of these animals clean and thus protect them and ourselves? Why don’t pig farmers take a cue from the American SWAT team – the moment you see a pig so much as sniffle you put a bullet through its head and incenerate it with a flame gun. And if you must eat the damned swine then make sure that bacon is fried till its dry and crispy – that medium-rare/bloody/pink-thing is not posh anymore (its a downright stupid ploy that tricks you into thinking eating raw meat is okay – and that also goes for sushi!) Look, I love bacon just as much as the next guy so whilst farmers are culling ‘sick’ pigs I would like to appeal that the carcasses are shipped to Nigeria – thats way too much barbeque meat to waste 🙂