Welcome to the
M.A.D Awards 2016!!!, where one lucky winner will receive the prestigious Most Annoying Dude/Dudette Award for being a thorn in Tonwa’s side. Yes you are reading this correctly – people could be rewarded for raising Tonwa’s blood pressure. Everything you read here is somehow linked to making Tonwa angry. I’m your host Tpri, reporting to you live from Eko Hotel where the car park is at full capacity and guests on the sidelines are eagerly waiting for the nominees to arrive.
Now for those of you who are watching this show for the first time the (fictional) MAD Awards premièred in 2008 receiving critical acclaim and producing its first ever winner – Tonwa’s Driver. It was unable to hold in 2009 after it was leaked that the Oil-pipeline- vandalizing Niger Delta militants were nominated for a MAD award; they got extremely hostile. In 2010 when the brouhaha was over the award ceremony was back with a vengeance and a new winner emerged – Tonwa’s Shouting Neighbour. In 2011 the federal government was rumoured to be worried about becoming a guaranteed nominee for the next four MAD award ceremonies so they pulled the plug on the show. A series of legal battles ensued but no victory came until Oscar Pistorius’ lawyer was hired in late 2015.
This year the MAD Awards is bigger and better, with mega sponsors including DSTV, Arik, NNPC and Patience Jonathan. The crowd has waited for 3 hours and even the paparazzi are getting tired of holding up their cameras. But wait! I think see the 2010 MAD award winner with her offensive full gold weave. Let’s go over and talk to her:
Tpri: Excuse me, are you Tonwa’s Shouting Neighbour?
SN: Yes o! How na, my brother?
Tpri: I’m fine thank you. I’m sure you’re glad to be one of the special invited guests.
SN: Hmm. Tonwa did not invite me. I just…ARISTO! ARISTO! COME HERE! WHERE’S PIPI???
Tpri: Er…Aristo? Pipi?
SN: That’s my son Aristotle and he is supposed to be looking after his sister Penelope. Anyway I have designer shoes if you want to buy.
Tpri: Shoes? But isn’t that your son running off towards the hotel exit gate?
SN: OOOOOH! ARISTO! I’m coming please, let me bring the shoes from my car…
All the guests have simmered down and are seated in the auditorium for the behind-the-scenes documentary of the MADA nominees on the big screen. Let’s hear what they have to say:
1. NNPC MD – I have given Tonwa a hard time for the last 4 weeks with my petrol scarcity scam…I mean scheme. I have burdened him with the additional responsibility of putting two jerrycans in his boot and joining mile-long queues with an average waiting time of 2 hours minimum. On one occasion he was queuing at one of our filling stations and by the time it got to his turn the filling station switched off all the pumps and all the sales attendants closed for the night. I don’t know if his tank was empty or whether he was able to get home safely that night. One thing I do know is that he’s very angry about the whole situation but he’s not the only one suffering. If he wants to give me the award I’ll take it but he shouldn’t expect a miracle – after all, am I a magician?
2. Inconsiderate Pilot – Hello. Tonwa loves to travel. In fact, he likes the moment when the plane is taxiing down the runaway before take off. But on his last local trip returning from Abuja I forgot to put on the Air Conditioning. So while I was chilling in the cockpit his ‘cockpit’ was roasting. As a matter of fact he was drenched by the time we landed in Lagos an hour later. All the passengers experienced the same thing so I don’t know why he couldn’t just fan himself with the safety manual. And to make matters worse, this is the second time in a row it is happening to Tonwa. Pardon me but for confidential reasons I have been instructed by my employer not to disclose the name of the airline. But they don’t mind if I win the award…and hand it over to them.
3. Tonwa’s gateman – Oga Tonwa dey commot for house early early morning like around…5.30. That time I never wake up so him dey come knock my door before I open gate. I know say that tin for don tire am efriday. But the one way annoy am pass na when he won commot early early morning and one car dey block him for outside the gate. Walai that one be another froblem. Oga Tonwa talk say make I tell the driver to commot . Me sef come vex so I go outside and I tell am, ‘Hey! Move your foking car!’ Na so fight won start and that day Oga Tonwa no commot till almost 6. He shout for me well-well but him no understand wetin happen. Sha if you give me this award how much I fit sell am?
4. PHCN official – The light in Mr. Tonwa’s area had serious problems 2 months ago so he ended up throwing away everything in his freezer. He hates wasting money so he was very angry during that period. He also doesn’t like to use generator overnight so he can’t enjoy his AC. There was a day when he was shaving in the morning before work and I cut off his power supply (laughs) that day he still had half of his beard remaining. I’m sure he carried that half-beard to work that day because his generator was out of fuel. I do not enjoy making Tonwa angry but this is Naija. Anyway, if I don’t win this award I know where your power meter is…
5. Neighbourhood prostitute – Tonwa? Is that his name? Ok. He drives past my corner every morning on his way to work but when I call him ‘Sweetie’ he doesn’t answer me. I don’t even know whether it is me that is making him angry – he’s always frowning when I see him turning into the T-junction where I chill for customers. That is how one time like that he had one babe in his car and he slowed down to turn into his street. He pretended as if he didn’t see me when I shouted ‘Hey sweetie!’. The guy drove off with speed. But *switches to Pidgin English* nawa o…Tonwa na bad market. Him never patronize me for the last 4 years wey I dey this corner. Anyhow sha, shebi him name be ‘Tonwa’ so I go greet am tomorrow morning. Eh? Award ke? Na award I go chop? Mssssscheeeeew!
(APPLAUSE)
Now the votes are being counted so please stay tuned as we take a commercial break. You can send in your votes by posting your favourite nominee in the comments section so start voting. When we come back we will announce the winner of the MAD Awards 2016 so don’t go away!
(PROGRAMMING RESUMES SHORTLY. STAY TUNED.)
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for voting. The results are in and it’s a landslide victory for a newcomer this year. And the winner is…
(Opens envelope)
…PHCN official!
(STANDING OVATION)
Acceptance speech: Thank you everyone. First of all, I want to thank Baba God for my life, my job and the brain to do it. Cutting people’s light is not easy. You can get electric shock if you’re not careful. My advise to everyone is to work hard, pay your electricity bill on time and don’t depend on your generator too much otherwise you will buy black market. Tonwa is one of my best customers now. To my mum – this award is for you muah!
So we’ve come to the end of another edition of the MAD Awards. Stay tuned next year when we will return with more people who’ve made Tonwa’s life a living hell. This is Tpri signing off.
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It was a day not quite like any other day when I popped out of the office with a colleague for lunch at a nearby local restaurant. I was so hungry I could eat a horse (word to my stomach). I settled down to an aromatic bowl of okra soup with a generous ball of pounded yam and I couldn’t have washed my hand any quicker so I could dig in. It was halfway through my gulps of satisfaction and eyes rolling to the back of my head that an over zealous restaurant staff decided to reach over an switch on the air-conditioning close to me. Nothing prepared me for the next thing that happened.
