Winning Oscars: for Dummies

For all those aspiring to get their hands on that golden symbol of perfection I’ve wiki leaked these tips which the Oscar judges don’t want you to know:

  1. When choosing a title for your epic movie make sure that it’s memorable, mysterious and most importantly, short. One-word movie titles are usually your safest bet, for example AVATAR (not The Blue People), TITANIC (not The Iceberg Strikes), INCEPTION (not Planting the Idea), ALI (not Sting Like a Bee), and GHANDI (not Stubborn Old Man) – you get the picture. Other great titles that have hit the mark are Philadelphia, Gladiator, Crash, Chicago, Unforgiven, Rocky, Shrek, etc. Of course there are exceptions to the rule with such bombshells as Crossroads, Glitter, Catwoman and Gigli.
  2. You need to have a ridiculously huge budget. If you know your movie has scenes that need to be shot in Brazil but you have a movie-set back home in Europe which costs less and can be modified accordingly, then just ignore that and fly all the way to Brazil with your entire cast and film crew instead! There is not a movie to my recollection that won an oscar on a meager budget. Spend! Spend! Spend!
  3. Next item on the agenda is Emotion! Emotion! Emotion! – aside from the tears you’ll be shedding after seeing the jaw-dropping total of all your film expenses, you need to ensure that your script is touching enough to jerk the tears out of your critical audience. Remember, strong themes which revolve around Love (Titanic), Betrayal (Titanic), Death (Titanic) and Slavery (Amistad) are excellent choices. But if you can fuse all four into one epic movie you’ll see the Oscar nominations rolling in pronto!
  4. Ensure you have a good amount of cheesy, memorable quotesor 2-liner conversations. E.g. In The Blind Side observe: Some lady – ‘You are changing that young boy’s life.’ Sandra Bullock – ‘No..he’s changing mine.’ (Standing Ovation or vomit bag…your choice).
  5. If you have problems handling any of the four tips then you can always settle for this most important tip – choose a reputable film director with a proven track record. If you’re well-connected and you try to work with the likes of either Spielberg, Soderbergh, Scorsese or Cameron then I can’t see how you can possibly go wrong.

 …and if you still haven’t won an oscar after applying all these principles time and time again, then don’t despair…there’s always the posthumous Oscar award up for grabs!