I’m planning to go on a long-deserved holiday in a few months to see my sisters, friends and relatives in the UK. It got me thinking about other places I would like to visit but I felt it would be more fun to write about places I would never, ever want to set foot on…for the sole reason that I would be scared shitless.

At No.5  we have Alcatraz. Even though it has become a tourist attraction (or so I saw on action flick , ‘The Rock’) I shudder at the thought of being trapped on a remote island which comes nothing close to the ambience of the blue lagoon. Put me in Alcatraz and I’ll be that disturbed black kid with the sixth sense going “I see bad people”.

At No.4, nothing can ever persuade me to go to Mississippi (yes, as you may well have imagined, I also watched ‘A Time to Kill’). Things have probably changed a whole lot now but my curiosity ends with a Mississippi Mud Cake.

Cruising at No.3 is the Grand Canyon. I can’t understand people’s fascination with a gigantic hole in the ground. There’s nothing to see down there. I’d probably fall into it as a result of high anxiety…and after that, not even an ambulance helicopter would be crazy enough to rescue me; dead or alive. Visiting the grand canyon would be for me a grand mistake.

Peaking at No.2 is Mount Everest. Where do I begin? It’s cold; it’s incredibly windy; there’s lack of oxygen as you get higher and higher; you run the risk of suffering from injuries like frostbite; and most importantly, IT IS TOO DAMN TALL! Even after climbing to the top I have to ask myself, ‘Hoo! Ha! What is it good for? (absolutely nothing, that’s what)’. There’s no one at the top to congratulate you on almost killing yourself. There’s no elevator to take you back down (and don’t think it’s as easy as ‘tumbling down the hill’ like Jack and Jill). Per chance Gravity fails to keep me at the base of the mountain, my mountain gear will surely finish me off.

And taking the top spot at No.1 is Hell. Though rumoured to be a mythical place, Hell is not a place for the physical but for spiritual beings. I couldn’t do more justice to its description than the Book of Revelations in the Holy Bible. Any place with Fire, Brimstone, Weeping and Gnashing of teeth for all eternity, is hard to comprehend but I bet you wouldn’t want to go there if given a chance to decide between Heaven and Hell. Now, why is that? Could Hell be good and Heaven be bad? Is Heaven for geeks and Hell for cool kids? Is it all one big conspiracy? When you die let me know via Twitter!