Entry #79 – Love Thy (Noisy) Neighbor

I am a law-abiding citizen. I pay my rent on time and I also pay my taxes. I love my mum and dad just as much as I love OREO cookies and I’ve won The Best Brother Ever Award 3 years in a row, courtesy of my two lovely younger sisters. I don’t expect much from people…even when it’s my birthday. What I do expect from my neighbors, however, is some peace and quiet when I return from a hard day at the office!

I live in a very big compound with 11 other tenants in their respective apartments. Unfortunately 3 of them drive me up the wall (some more frequently than others). Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to present to you the 3 neighbors whom I have tried my best to love with all my heart (honest!).

The Prayer Warrior:

Gender ~ Female

Age ~ 20-something

Marital Status ~ Single (and I think I know why)

Number of kids ~ None

Noise-ometer ~ 7/10 (Very Loud)

Offence(s) ~ On random mornings and nights I would hear this woman chanting prayers and speaking in tongues. It’s quite scary to say the least. It sounds so violent that you actually first think about calling the police to report a case of domestic abuse. The shouting can last for up to 30 minutes and sometimes even longer. I wonder if she has any friends…hmm…maybe just on Facebook.

The All-Nighter:

Gender ~ Male

Age ~ 30-something

Marital Status ~ Single

Number of kids ~ None

Noise-ometer ~ 8/10 (Very Loud and Constant)

Offence(s) ~ Whilst every other sane neighbor usually puts off their generators before going to bed, this guy runs his generator till the fuel runs out. Perhaps if the Nigerian government got their act together and provided uninterrupted power supply then we wouldn’t need generators in the first place. But in the meantime I expect this neighbor to show a little consideration for others by switching his generator off at 12am max. He goes to work the following day so how the hell does he sleep through that constant drone? Maybe I’ll just go ahead and buy those Pioneer headphones I’ve been Googling and see if they’re really sound-proof…

The  Human Megaphone:

Gender ~ Female

Age ~ 30 something

Marital Status ~ Widowed

Number of kids ~ 3

Noise-ometer ~ 9.9/10 (Extremely Loud, Constant and Annoying)

Offence(s) ~ Where do I begin? She screams all day. She is obviously lazy because she reduced her teenage niece to a maid. She comes out of her apartment and just when she realizes she’s forgotten something she starts screaming her niece’s name at the top of her lungs…right beneath my bedroom window whilst I’m still sleeping! At first I felt sorry for her because she is a widow but that changed after one late night at about 1am when her sisters-in-law paid her a surprise visit. They banged on her door for an hour and outrightly accused her of driving their brother to an early grave. It was like trying to sleep while The Jerry Springer Show was on. I also have doubts as to the rightful owner of her car because she sure doesn’t know how to unlock it without triggering the car alarm…every single time. I swear she’ll give me a heart attack one day. And don’t get me started on her three screaming kids!

Well I hope there really is a Santa because this Christmas I’m wishing for peace and sanity in my neighborhood. Do you think you could live with my neighbors? 🙁

7 thoughts on “Entry #79 – Love Thy (Noisy) Neighbor

  1. H a Ha … Our neighbour in Benin is a Church.. can you bliv it..in a residential area no less.. Christ Chosen Church of God… it’s noisy everyday of the week…

    In Lagos.. no I haven’t had any noisy neighbors…

    I think you may be able to solve some of the noise problems by playing loud music in your apartment… it will drown out the sounds of prayer, shouting.. but not the gen.. how u wan play music wen u no get light… 🙂

  2. Love the new theme..he he he…

    As per noisy neighbors I feel for you. Why not try something passive aggressive like next time the widow starts screaming for her niece, start singing gospel songs at the top of your voice to drown her out.

    If she stops, you stop. When she starts, you start. She’ll get the message.

    For the generator guy, start pouring sand in his gas tank when everyone goes to bed. That will teach him.

    For the prayer warrior. Put a giant old school boom box right outside her apartment and play loud music when she starts to speak in tongues. Play something rauchy like that 90s song “Freak With Me” or something more modern like “Lollipop”

    For more ideas, send me an e-mail. I am the queen of bitchiness to those who absolutely deserve it.

    • LOL! What side of whose bed did you wake up on? That sand in the tank gag is pretty harsh and I don’t know if there’s secret CCTV to spy on me. Loud music is prolly the way to go. Better get out the ol’ Weezy. Thanks Lil. Glad u like the theme too 😀

  3. Pingback: Love thy (noisy) neighbor – Part II | The Crazy Nigerian

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