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The tipping point is that magic moment when an idea, trend, or social behavior crosses a threshold, tips, and spreads like wildfire.” ― Malcolm Gladwell, The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference Whilst I haven’t read what … Continue reading
Are you thinking of travelling to a place where you can sunbathe in scorching temperatures close to 40 degrees centigrade this Christmas? Are you looking for a place where you can enjoy delicious African cuisine, ice-cold beer, and transportation for less than $1? Are you looking for a place with zero snow, zero earthquakes, zero hurricanes, zero volcanic eruptions and zero riots? Are you looking for a haven where everyone who serves calls you Chairman (or Madam, as the case may be) and treats you like royalty? Then look no further – Nigeria is your ideal travel destination!
Nigeria is a vibrant counrty which is located in West Africa close to the equator and boasts of a population of about 150 million people – but never fear, there’s plenty more room for tourists! One of the great things about my country is the warm reception you get when you arrive at Murtala Muhammed International Airport, literally. There is no air-conditioning. Whilst you wait for your luggage on the ‘sushi’ conveyor belt, the blistering heat helps you to burn a few calories and to prepare you adequately for the sunny outdoors.
When you exit the international airport don’t be alarmed by the eager unlicensed taxi-drivers who grab your luggage – they’re only trying to help ease your burden. They may want to test whether you’re familiar with the Nigerian way by charging you like they would an aristocrat. All you have to do is to start your negotiation at half his price and work from there. They may also want to engage you in some ‘small-talk’ because we’re generally very chatty people. Do take advantage and get to know the hotspots around town so you can plan the best way to enjoy your stay. There’s a whole range of hotels to choose from, depending on your taste and your budget.
After you’ve had a good night’s rest in your air-conditioned room and enjoyed a generous helping of yam and egg-stew at your affordable hotel, you will be ready to hit the road (or hit the bed again if you had too much yam). Make sure you carry along a bottle of cold water to hydrate yourself during the course of the hot day. Getting from A to B is easy. Go to the nearest bus stop and listen carefully to the destination being screamed out by the bus conductor – otherwise, your 3-minute journey into the next town could become a 3-hour journey into the next state. Alternatively you can save a lot of money by just waiving your hand at the oncoming commercial motorcylists and shouting ‘Okada’. You’ll soon be whizzing through traffic jams whilst enjoying the humid breeze.
The first sensible place for you to go to would be one of our many hospitals. Why? You would need to get anti-malaria treatment so that you’re rest assured of not having a restless holiday. If your’re squeamish about taking injections then there’s tablets that the doctor can prescribe. Pre-treatment is far more recommended than buying a couple of Baygon or Raid sprays and fighting an uneven battle with the non-relenting population of mosquitoes. Wear long trousers at night when you’re outdoors if you want to keep those legs spotless and to avoid being mistaken for a former military officer with an involuntary reflex – ‘Attention!’.
There’s so much to see and to do, especially if you’re in Lagos. If you’re in its capital, Ikeja, there are many malls and eateries that could entice you. If you decide to go to Victoria Island you could tour The Third Mainland Bridge – the longest bridge in Africa. You could also see the magnificent toll gate structures at Lekki Phase 1 and these should be operational by the time you make your way over to Lagos so get your petty cash ready. The are so many shopping complexes and food markets boasting of unique bargains so I’m very confident you’ll find something worthwhile to buy (Remember the 100:50 pricing rule!).
There is a sense of security in Nigeria as you will notice the unprecedented number of checkpoints virtually every 5 miles of your journey by road. We even have a saying, ‘Police is your friend’. They may stop your vehicle but all you have to do is smile, stay calm, lock your doors and ignore any requests other than producing your driving licence and vehicle particulars. That said, some habits you may want to abstain from (but are by no means limited to) include: Walking in dark alleys late at night whilst talking on your mobile phone; Arguing with a gang of drunk Man U fans when you’re clearly a fan of the opposition and; urinating on walls that have ‘DO NOT URINATE HERE’ boldly printed on them.
You would be surprised to learn that our internet connectivity has gone from ‘good’ to ‘good grief!’ but recently the introduction of Wi-fi has elevated the browsing experience by a big notch. Just ask your hotel receptionist for the password and you’re wired in. And for those Blackberry users most of our telecom providers have made affordable BIS available to the pubilc. You don’t have to carry so much foreign currency since there are Mallams in the black market who could strike a good deal, although I would recommend dealing with banks as they do not exhibit normadic behaviour. Most of the retail outlets in the city have Point of Sale terminals which accept foreign credit cards…point of correction, foreign VISA and Mastercard credit cards. Sales assistants call the attention of supervisors and delay you when they see an American Express card.
Do try any of our renowned beaches which include the critically-acclaimed Bar Beach, the breathtaking Tarkwa Bay, the mysterious Alpha Beach and the mesmerizing Eleko beach. Nigerians know how to party too. You have a choice of painting the town red at any of the nightclubs on the island or mainland – yes, we uphold the ‘Happy hour’ tradition but not so much the ‘Dancing on the bar’ tradition. But if you’re more interested in souvenirs then you can find ethnic memorobilia in City Mall, Ikoyi if you want to leave Nigeria with a traditional caftan or blouse and wrapper. Our array of woven head gear is also a must if you are going for that regal look. By the time you’ve maxed out your credit cards, gained a tan and picked up a bit of the lingo, also known as ‘pidgeon english’, you’ll be sad that you had to leave.
This is the unique experience that awaits you. This is the life that so many expats enjoy but may be keeping from you.
This is My Nigeria 😀
Last Saturday I got a taste of what I wanted early retirement to feel like. I was whisked off by speed boat to a secluded beach house not far from Ikoyi motor boat club in Lagos Island. My party of friends were a crazy bunch whom all had busy, demanding jobs. This was our chance to let loose and party…hard.
We had a DJ onboard and there was enough alcohol to open up a mini bar. There was spicy barbecue turkey with a variety of sauces for dipping. We were about 20 people in total, both men and women, and most of us came prepared with swimming gear to test the nearby pool.
The beach house had two floors all made of solid dark chocolate coloured wood. Nobody stayed on the ground floor though. The action was upstairs where the DJ set up shop and blasted tunes from Hip hop greats to Local legends. The top floor had a mini bar (empty on arrival of course) and a balcony with five single foldable beds to savour the ocean view. There were also two open bedrooms with single beds. There was a centre table with colorful plastic chairs. The toilets and shower rooms were downstairs next to the beach house, along with the barbecue stand. It was indeed a sight to behold.
We commenced drinking at about 1.30pm and danced for the first hour before some of us decided to disengage for other activities. Some went to play volleyball in the swimming pool, some went for a walk along the beach shore, and some others went to check out swords being sold by a scary looking Northern Nigerian warrior (bizarre, I know).
There was dancing, drinking, laughing, swimming, jumping, singing, hugging and posing. We took so many pictures and recorded quite a few crazy videos which I would only upload if given general consent. I made some new friends and got a few more blackberry contacts. Something tells me this won’t be the last encounter. Enjoy the slide show!
Last year the build up to Christmas was the dullest I’d ever seen in Lagos. There were all the usual antics of course: Some shop owners hiring breakdancing clowns (complete with the colourful make-up and the ridiculous jumpsuits) and strategically placing them right outside their shops in order to lure in/annoy customers (I don’t know); Street hawkers in the scorching sun wearing red & white santa hats and selling the same to drivers stuck in traffic (as if seeing ‘red’ would help in that heat); A few live rams and goats seen stuffed into (but still hanging out of) half-opened car boots on their way to being slaughtered (Animal Cruelty laws don’t apply in Nigeria); Battle of the Banks as each compete to put up the most blinding Christmas light display on their respective bank branches (more glare for night drivers means possibly more accidents); Christmas hampers including such items as Non-alcoholic wine, Digestives, St.Louis Sugar and a bottle of groundnuts all packaged for N20,000/$133/80GBP (rip off!!!) etc. Like I said, just the usual antics you’d expect to see in Lagos around this time.
Well if you’re not in Lagos you’d probably be curious to know how things are faring so far this year. For starters, the public’s attention has been diverted to the upcoming National Elections in March 2011. Campaigns are being aired on TV 24/7, usually featuring some Nigerian artists or actors singing some cheesy jingle e.g. “No vote for Bad Luck, vote for GoodLuck!” (N.B- that’s the last name of our current president). As a matter of fact, I can’t recall hearing any Christmas song on the local TV stations till now.
And in the race to extinction I don’t know who will make it first – Koala bears or Christmas cards. I’m not talking about cards online (more commonly referred to as ‘E-cards’) but the old-fashioned, cardboard/paper-based ones. I remember when I still lived with my parents we’d get up to 200 Christmas cards, 3 gigantic hampers and a live turkey. A few years later the turkey dropped off. A few years after that the hampers stopped coming and then the Christmas cards being issued dropped gradually – as at last year my parents got about 20 cards between them. It seems the new trend is the use of impersonal text messages to send Christmas greetings/prayers. I say ‘impersonal’ because the message is usually a forwarded message from another contact (and your name is usually not included in the message so that proves my point). Last year I got more Christmas text messages than I got cards and phone calls combined. Besides that, most homes didn’t bother to put up Christmas decorations or trees. What is this city coming to???
Don’t even get me started on Christmas presents! I once heard a wise man say, ‘You have to give in order to receive’. My take however is that the wise man is probably not respected in Lagos because I didn’t see a lot of giving last year. Truth is, I saw a bit of rationing. One of my past employers, as a Christmas bonus, would give employees bags of rice. In my first year of employment I got a full bag of rice. In the second year I got half a bag. Last year nobody was given rice. What was to blame? The recession? That excuse is getting pretty lame.
Thank God I’m an optimist. It’s been a great year for me – more good news than there has been bad news (knocks wood). I think I’ve been a good boy too this year so Santa might just send me a few prezzies this season (crosses fingers). But unless I don’t see a drastic change in the Christmas spirit in Lagos which appears to be fast fading into oblivion, then I’m afraid I’d have to go to Ghana or something (at least there will be constant power supply, Woo-hoo!) 😀
In the course of work and life in general I have come across some statements that are concise yet powerful. The implication of such verbal statements is usually what deters the recipients from challenging them in the first place. I have been at the receiving end of some of such statements and I have also gotten accounts from friends about short statements that can send shudders down the spine of the average Nigerian. I took it upon myself to dig deep into my past experiences plus those of others and decided to share some of my observations with a few illustrations:
1. The economy is still suffering the aftermath of the global meltdown and everyone is struggling to make ends meet. You arrive at the office one day and notice that all your colleagues looking deeply worried about something. You dare to ask and then one of them whispers to you and says ‘They’re sacking staff’. Now you’re not sure whether your precious job is going to be yours much longer. Everyday is like a game of Russian Roulette and you consider joining some of your colleagues in ‘Brown-nosing’ your boss.
2. Imagine you are driving back late at night from work and you are stuck in traffic. You decide to wind down your windows for some air (because on this particular day there happens to be a petrol strike, remember?) but you failed to notice a motorcycle coming from behind with two suspicious passengers on board. The next thing that happens is that the passenger at the back of the bike grabs your neck through the window opening and says ‘Bring your bag’ or ‘Bring your phone’ or ‘Bring your chain’ or ‘Bring your wallet’. In your presumed state of shock you have no choice but to comply. You look around for someone to come to your rescue but all the other drivers in the traffic jam are busy winding up their own windows (as they are actively learning from your ongoing experience). After your ordeal those are three words you’d never forget.
3. You are just arriving in London after a succession of disappointing runs with the British Embassy in Lagos whilst trying to obtain a visa. You are standing in line with the other passengers waiting to check out of the Immigration point. You are already thinking about all the gear you’re going to spend your traveller’s cheques on when suddenly a hefty Immigration officer sneaks up to you and says ‘Step aside, please’. It’s embarrassing. It immediately puts you on the defensive since you are 100% certain at that point that you are not guilty of anything. What’s worse is watching some of the ‘holier-than-thou’ passengers shake their heads as you are escorted off to a nearby interrogation room for some grilling.
4. You’ve had a long, hard day at the office and you’re looking forward to closing time. You decide to call a colleague whose had a head start on the road and you want to get a traffic update since he/she is on a similar route home. The response you get is ‘There is go-slow’ (Go-slow is a popular term in Nigeria which is a substitute for the word ‘Traffic’). You’re mood changes. You become restless because you can already feel the body aches and tense muscles from 3 hours of driving nowhere fast.
Please note that not all the experiences are mine but they are all true. Also, this is by no means an exhaustive list so if you have any dreaded ‘three-worded statements’ which you or others wouldn’t like to hear then you can share them here 😀
Gone are the days when I used to enjoy the luxury of living only 15mins away from my office. I would wake up at 7.00am, take a shower before leaving my flat at 7.15, and then I’d be in my office by 7.30am (resumption time). With my new job I live about 1hr away…when there’s no traffic, but 3hrs when I’m on my way back home during rush hour. A couple of things have suffered with this recent change: My biceps and triceps got smaller; my alarm clock and I are no longer on speaking terms; my blog developed cobwebs; and more importantly, I have developed an eating disorder…well, let’s just say I don’t eat in any particular order anymore.
3-square meals are usually the norm when it comes to daily food consumption. However, the diet of the average banker in Lagos is rather different. Most bachelors eat at least twice a day – one outdoor meal from the local canteen and a home-cooked meal. Married men however may eat just one heavy meal at night since its in their best interest not to piss their wives off. The result? Pot belly. I currently fall into the bachelor category (phew!) but dare I say the content of my meals may raise a few eyebrows:
Morning – Rice, beans and plantain (as early as 8.30am!)
Afternoon – A sausage roll (The Superbite brand)
In between – Fried Yam with pepper sauce, plantain chips
Evening – Bowl of cereal and/or a packet of noodles (Indomie Chicken flavour, of course)
I am well aware of the fact that this diet (eaten 5days a week) is not a balanced diet. It is a banker’s diet. Once in a while I throw in the odd stewed vegetables and an apple with some almonds but generally there’s little time to eat. Eating outdoors all the time is very risky. Bankers in Lagos could probably tell you a few of their food-poisoning stories. There have been instances of stooling and even Typhoid inflicted on unsuspecting bankers who patronized canteens with suspicious water supplies. The cost of such food is part of the allure. At 100 Naira (less than 50 pence/75 cents) you could have a meal of rice or beans that could keep you going for the next 4hrs. And don’t get me started on the inevitable addiction to energy drinks loaded with abnormal amounts of caffeine. Coffee is so 80s now…
I’m trying to find the balance I once had so I’m faced with 3 choices – Get yet another job and location OR Get familiar with just one outdoor meal source and stick to it OR Get married! (at least the fear of getting a pot belly would probably encourage me to do more exercise, which would equally restore my biceps and triceps to their former glory :D)
Before I proceed to clog up this space with my usual banter, I feel inclined to put things right with The Crazy Nigerian first. Er..erm:
‘Forgive me O blog, for I have sinned. Its been a month and 2days since my last posting. I can’t wait for this (World) cup to pass over me…aaahhh…Bafana bafana Vuvuzela bafana bafana…MessiOzilAsamoahVillaVillaKakakakakaSchneider! ‘
Ok, I’ve got WC fever and I still haven’t managed to pick up my dropped-jaw since watching the recent knock-out stages. Who would’ve thought that Brazil would be out in the quarter-finals??? Who would have thought they would have been beaten by the Netherlands??? Who could have predicted that Argentina wouldn’t make it to the semis??? I love a ‘Winning’ mentality but did the Germans really have to annihilate the Argentines with a 4-0 score line? Did Suarez (Paraguay) suddenly forget what sport he was playing and decide to pull-off what appeared to be a Volleyball lay-up in obstructing Ghana’s goal??? Have the poor decisions of the referees and linesmen in this tournament been as a result of the distracting chats on their Blackberries??? Is England ever going to make it to the Finals???
There are so many questions left unanswered but its obvious that nothing in life is certain (except Death and Taxes of course). In Tennis, Roger Federer got the shock of his life when he was ousted by Tomas Berdych (a great underachiever) in the QF at Wimbledon, bearing in mind that Roger has previously made it to the Finals 8years in a row. But back to the WC, I would love to know what kind of Energy drink the German squad is drinking – It sure as hell makes my Red Bull seem like 100% decaffeinated coffee. At the very least I wonder if they would fail a drug test…or has that been overlooked in this tournament like England’s disallowed goal? I must say that the Germans have shown that Youth is very key in your game plan. Experience goes a long way too but that can be inserted in little bursts (in the guise of the older professionals) during play. All the critics who said the German Coach was insane to bring a bunch of ‘inexperienced’ players to the WC are still recovering from indigestion as a result of eating their own words. You can never write-off the Germans in any WC. They are clinical in their execution of set-pieces, passes, and free kicks. Scoring 4 goals, each in 3 matches, is no feat that Brazil, Argentina, Spain or Italy could achieve. Germany is the hot favourite to win the WC this time around I pray I’ll have some fingernails left after their match with Spain.
I’ve seen a lot of grown men cry over the last few weeks…both on and off the football pitch, and in severe cases some have died from heart attacks. It has been emotional indeed. On the other hand, what baffles me in Nigeria is that an estimated N900m (close to $6m) was spent in preparing our team for the WC. I didn’t see where that money went though (kinda like the Blair Witch Project (1999) which took in $140m at the box office but only costed $25,000 to make!). Like Nigeria (and the no.1 Fifa-rated Brazil) the English team needs a complete overhaul. Young blood and raw talent moulded by a focused and experienced Manager (of any nationality but whom is ready to learn English if necessary) could probably help England end their 4-decade WC drought.
Well, it won’t be long till the WC final and then the world’s nerves can be steadied (only for another 4years by the way). May the best team win! 😀
It is the year 2010 and 3 things are definitely set to rise in Nigeria: The sale of generators, the tension over our missing president (over 4 months now and counting), and the population of mosquitoes. Yes, these good-for-nothing insects have swarmed the earth since the time of the dinosaurs and specifically the anopheles mosquitoes have been responsible for carrying the deadly malaria parasite which kills thousands of africans up to this day. Well, I decided a few days ago (after a couple of extremely itchy and sore mosquito bites on my arms and legs) to get lethal.
I stopped by my local supermarket on my way back from work and roamed the isles looking for the most effective insect repellent (especially the triple action variety to suit my usual uninvited guests – mosquitoes, ants and cockroaches). My choices were: Mobil (I thought these guys specialized in oil exploration!); Rambo (just because it sounds lethal and has a red bandana on the letter ‘O’ doesn’t mean its a one-man one-can killing machine!) Raid (Now here’s something thats a proven hit but the smell is absolutely horrendous…think Nail Varnish Meets Burning Incense!); Baygon (Oh yeah baby! Effective with a clinical but bearable smell…this is definitely the bees knees. Time to cop me some mosquito heads).
I arrived my flat with a sinister grin as I walked up my flight of stairs. I walked through the corridor into my living room and proceeded to the mosquito zone; my bedroom. If Stanley Kubrick was still alive he would probably agree that my barging into the room (brandishing a trusted can of insecticide) was a Shining moment indeed as I blurted out ‘Heeeere’s Baygon!’. I shook the can a few times as instructed and sprayed every last inch of that room till the can was almost empty. And there was silence. The air was misty. Strangely enough I heard a tiny but distinct cough coming from under my bed so I pulled out a nearby torchlight and went on all fours. To my surprise I it was a mosquito…a dying mosquito. But how was I able to hear it cough? Or did I just fly over the cuckoo’s nest???
Mosquito: ‘Is it not enough that you suffocate me with these poisonous fumes? (cough) (cough) and now you want to finish me off with a torchlight? What are you going to do? Blind me to death too? Look I don’t have much time left…but there is something you should know. There is a deadly toxin coursing through your veins. The antidote is in my belly but you have to extract it with a syringe before I die or else…game over!
Me: Er…isn’t that something you just made up after watching the SAW movie?
Mosquito: You got me! Good movie, isn’t it?
Me: Huh?… Tell me, what is your purpose on earth?
Mosquito: We were put on earth by God to control the population levels, I suppose. Do YOU know what your purpose on earth is?
Me: Hey, I’ll be asking the questions here. You spread diseases, leave itchy bites and hum in my ear while I’m asleep. Quite frankly, you suck!
Mosquito: You said it, Einstein. I suck…blood, that is. And fortunately for you mosquitoes can’t harbour the HIV virus. Your species would long have been wiped out. But there’s something else we’re planning…
Me: We? You mean the rest of you mosquitoes?
Mosquito: Aren’t you the smart one, eh!. We are many and we will soon descend on you all like a plague. There will be nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. There will be blood…
Me: That’s it. I’ve heard enough.
There I was being threatened by a sarcastic, little insect about a possible mosquitogeddon. I shook what was left in the can and drowned the mosquito in a pool of insecticide spray. It choked, and its abdomen stopped moving. I went to bed that night and a few hours later I could hear a humming in my ear again but this time it was audible and this is what I heard, to my horror
… ‘Weeee’re baaaack!’
Note to self: Should have bought Rambo 🙁
January 2010:
First of all I would like to congratulate you on your recent promotion transition from Vice President of Nigeria to Acting President. As much as I would like to see Yar’Adua recover from his illness I’m sure you would like to capitalize on make the most of this unique opportunity thrusted upon you.
Jonathan, things are progressively getting worse in the economy. In case you didn’t notice, the just-concluded fuel scarcity crises lasted for nearly a month! The queues have caused traffic and road rage. Worse yet, the black market sold the fuel (sometimes contaminated or watered down) at exhorbitant prices. What did Yar’Adua do? Nothing. What did YOU do? Nothing.
Electricity supply isn’t getting better either. Yar’Adua promised electricity generation of 6000 megawatts by December 2009. Today Nigeria is only generating 2900 megawatts. The consequence – some companies have moved their operations out of the country and the rest of us have resorted to using noisy generators and wasting more fuel in the process…even adding to air pollution and endangering our young ones with the fumes. What has Yar’Adua done? Nothing. What have YOU done? Nothing.
I don’t know if during the President’s unauthorized sick leave you have been trying to calm the the unrest in the Niger Delta region. What have you really been doing with all your time? I’m sure I’ve come across you on Facebook somewhere but now is the time to make your legacy felt. You’re the acting president but may I remind you that (assuming Yar’Adua kicks the bucket) you’ll only have until May 2011 to make any changes to the economy.
Like you, I am an Ijaw man and I expect that you will give a good impression of our tribe. This is your chance to make history in Nigeria. Have a vision. Take a cue from Obama if you have to. Give Nigerians a reason to want to see you stay in power. Look at Mandela’s case – Today marks 20years since he was freed from prison and the world honours and adores him. That could be you so get off your ass behind and do something meaningful and don’t depend on Yar’Adua’s return. All this didn’t happen by accident.
I hope you will consider all that I’ve said and start making plans to re-energize this economy. The country is behind you. More oil grease to your elbow and goodluck! (no pun intended).
Yours Sincerely,
The Crazy Nigerian 🙂
P.S – I will not accept your Facebook Friend request until I start seeing some results.
