5 Easy Ways To Remain Sane in Nigeria


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Avoid Nigerian news like the plague This includes reading the local newspapers or listening to local news on the radio or watching local news on TV. An overdose of ‘corruption’ news could impair your judgment in day-to-day activities and lead … Continue reading

How laptop bags can start fights


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I am about to illustrate just how you can get into trouble simply by trying to mind your own business: You’ve just gotten off the elevator on your floor where you work. As you make your way to your office … Continue reading

“Where to get help_nigeria_feeling suicidal”

I was viewing my WordPress Dashboard some days ago and I came across the disturbing words (in my Top Searches) which I’ve used for the title of this article. It got me thinking about what possible traumatic events had made this particular reader feel suicidal. Whatever the reason, here are a few things that could help:

  1. In Nigieria you could call Chaz B on Inspiration 92.3 FM and pour out your problems to a listening ear. You would probably get some suggestions on how to get back on your feet. His numbers are; 01-2773923, 01-2772923, 08139009000 (Dial ‘234’ first and remove the zero if calling from outside Nigeria)
  2. If you’re religious then go to your local church and talk to the pastor/reverend/vicar/priest about what you’re going through.
  3. Try being around people who have made you happy in the past. Such people would presumably be your family members, close peers or your partner. Just avoid negative people during this period – they won’t help your situation.
  4. Start a blog. You could choose to be anonymous in order to feel free with writing about your innermost feelings. Readers could give good advice and even share similar experiences which they’ve been able to handle.
  5. Last but not the least, if you happen to stop by The Crazy Nigerian again then you could send me a private email via crazy_nigerian@ymail.com

It’s not the end of the world so feeling suicidal should just be a passing phase. Life is worth living and no matter how hard it gets you’ve got (a) friend(s) who will get you through rough times 😀

Entry #81 – A cry for help

I was on my way home 2 days ago when I decided to pull over at a petrol station to fill up my tank. As the Sales Assistant began pumping the fuel a middle-aged man drove up on the other side of the fuel pump with his wife and 3 kids in the back seat. He came out of his car and went round to the car boot to pull out a jerrican. I knew this because I overheard the conversation the man had with his wife: 

Wife: Did you remember to bring the jerrican?

Man: Yes, I always leave it in the boot.

Well, he was greatly disappointed when he opened the boot and discovered that he had actually forgotten to bring the jerrican. At that point the Sales Assistant had finished attending to me and so I paid for my fuel. As I was getting back into my car I noticed how sad the man looked as he got back into his car. He didn’t need the fuel for his car but probably for his generator at home. His wife didn’t make a fuss nor did she shout at her husband for being forgetful. The children seemed quiet after seeing the their parents looking a bit miserable. Perhaps the man didn’t plan to make another trip outside. Maybe he was on a tight schedule. All I was certain of was that I felt unhappy that this family was suddenly unhappy. I had to do something.

Due to unexpected fuel strikes in Nigeria (or at least in Lagos) I usually carry a 25-litre jerrican in my boot. This way I’m aptly prepared at all times to hoard fuel when there is rumour of an impending fuel strike. That day I had the jerrican in my boot as I saw the unhappy family opposite my car. I had a moment of hesitation as I started my car but I don’t know what came over me when I suddenly shouted across, ‘Will a 25-litre jerrican be okay for you?’

The wife looked astonished as she replied, ‘Yes’. I came out of my car, reached into my boot and handed over my empty 25-litre jerrican to him. He was ecstatic! He kept thanking me and saying that God would bless me. So did his wife. His children were now smiling because their parents were smiling. The man gave me one of his business cards and hoped that we could get in touch. I’m a private person really so I promised I’d get in touch with him (seriously, not like the ‘Don’t call us we’ll call you’ scenario that you may find at badly handled job interviews). I drove off feeling better…knowing that 5 people were made happy and they’ll probably have a lot to talk about later.

Wouldn’t you be happy if a complete stranger helped you in your time of need? I would like everyone reading this to do something special for a complete stranger during this Christmas period. Do something unexpected for someone who is in desperate need of help. That person may not have anymore faith in humanity. That person may be feeling suicidal. That person may one day feel reluctant to help someone else because he or she had never been helped recently. I’m not saying that you should give your life savings to the poor (you could if you’re so inclined though) but it’s the little things that count most times. Trust me, if doing that good deed for someone is not a big deal to you it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a big deal to the recipient of your good deed. Put a smile on someone’s face this Christmas and let’s start a chain reaction of good deeds (doesn’t that just remind you of Pay It Forward?) 😀 

DPS – Daily Problem…Solved

Here at DPS we believe that problems can be solved. Not all of them! Just the daily ones. 
Life is too short to be lumbered with problems that constantly eat at you day in day out. If you went for a check up with your doctor they would almost certainly check your BP (Blood Pressure). Well at DPS we believe it’s just as important to check your DP (Daily Problem).
For the past 2 years we have conducted extensive research on common daily problems (DP) and have come up with solutions which have been tried and tested. We also give you alternative solutions which may vary in usage, depending on how daring (or insane) you are. Our advice comes with a No Money-Back Guarantee. Don’t be alarmed though. DPS doesn’t charge anything. The solutions we tirelessly slave to develop are handed to you on a platter for free!
We have been flooded with requests for solutions to their DPs from the highly technical to the downright bizzare but we don’t discriminate. Everyone and I mean Everyone will get a workable solution which we at DPS aren’t afraid to test on your behalf. Here are just a few DPs that we’ve highlighted…

I’m always late to work. No matter how hard I try to wake up I never seem to leave on time. I’m so sluggish when my alarm rings and I can even sleep through it. Please help me!…R.K (Leeds)

^^Don’t worry, you are not alone. Tip: Put your alarm clock at one end of your bedroom so that you’re forced to get up to put it off. This method will only be effective if your alarm tone is loud and annoying. You’ll soon be up and about in no time!

Quick solutions:
> Sleep early = Leave early
> Get a friend, who wakes up early, to call you Mon – Fri
> Watch a good horror movie the night before but have an Energy drink ready by day
> Have a shower the night before and dryclean in the morning (not to be done regularly!)

Everytime I buy chewing gum my colleagues at work exhaust my week’s supply in one day. They don’t usually return the favour but just wait like vultures for the moment a stray chewing gum packet is playing dead on my desk. How can I combat this daily problem?)…N.N (London)

^^ Hmm…you go out & buy, they come & say Hi. You chew the gum, they ask for some…yes, a popular DP. Tip: Without having to lie, observe this scenario – ‘Ooh, can I have some gum?’ You say, ‘Mmm, I want some too. Let me see who might have some’. But if the pest already knows you have gum and he/she is a persistent offender, you say ‘I think its high time you get some this time, don’t you think?’. The act of sharing is not to be discouraged but there are people in the world who are ready to take advantage of you on a daily basis so take action!   

Quick solutions:
> As the ‘chewor’, ask the ‘chewee’ what gum flavor he/she hates, then buy that one
> Stop chewing everytime the chewee wanders by.
> If caught chewing and approached for gum, just say ‘I’ll buy some more later’
> Offer an alternative you know they’ll refuse e.g. chewable vitamin C, (yuk!)

I am getting sick and tired of having long power supply shortages. I can’t plan my inhouse activities the way I want e.g. setting recording times on my DSTV cable, Ironing my clothes, Freezing my leftovers, etc. Apart from noisy generators, what else can I do to get constant electricity?…O.U (Nigeria)

^^ I can imagine what you must be going through and I’m happy to inform you that there is an answer.Tip: Buy an inverter. It isn’t noisy and it is a good investment if you like constant electricity. When public power supply returns then it charges your inverter for you. You can buy as many as you need depending on your budget and how much you want to power up. Unlike gens, these can be kept neatly indoors. Go on, live a little!

Quick solutions:
> Move to Ghana…It isn’t quick but it’s your closest source for 99.9% power supply

Some of my friends keep flashing me. I’m always having to call them back and then they start to talk on my credit talktime. I don’t flash people because I think its irritating. If I don’t call back they flash again and again till my battery starts running down. How can I put a stop to this madness?…F.E (France)

^^For the benefit of first-timers, the term ‘Flashing’ describes when you get a phone call from someone who cuts the line/connection just as you answer it. A professional flasher can disconnect your call in under 2 seconds. The aim – to let YOU call them back and save them THEIR money. Telecom giants also face a dilemma whereby they don’t know how to make money from such break-neck speed calls. Tip: DPS recommends you sacrifice the cost of 1 text and send a simple message as follows: ‘CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE CREDIT’. This is most effective because they’ll call back and  speak to you for at least 1 quick minute. Try it for yourself!

Quick solutions:
> Switch your phone off for 5mins, put it on and Eureka! 1 new message
> Flash them back to acknowledge their flash (not highly recommended as it may go on for a while)

**In the next edition we shall tackle more DPs and also accept solutions from the public to help others. We respond every (other) week with a fresh edition of DP solutions for your benefit so feel free to subscribe for subsequent updates. Check your DP today and lets solve it 4 u!**

For more information or if you want to send in your DP, leave a comment below
call him on 0800-1-DPSOLVED
DPS…Daily problem? Solved.


Disclaimer: In the event of defamation, physical harm or financial loss, DPS will not be held liable for paying any damages or other form of compensation. All solutions to DPs are to be used (or not) at your own risk. If you are unhappy with any of the solutions provided after your first trial, then do not expect a refund – you did not pay for the advice in the first place!

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