How Beans nearly ruined my reputation


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If you’ve ever heard the expression ‘It was love at first sight’ then that’s probably the best way I would describe how I feel each time I’m faced with food. My heart literally skips a beat when I’m about to … Continue reading

‘A’ is for Awkward

Awkward /ök’ w∂rd/ adj. clumsy: inconvenient: embarrassing

That’s the Oxford Reference Dictionary definition.

However the term ‘awkward’, according to the Crazy Nigerian, can be defined as that feeling when you are:

Walking through a crowd of school kids jeering and pointing at your half-naked body after sneaking out of the boy’s toilet where you just discovered that your shirt was stolen moments after you changed into the school choir gown to perform in front your parents who were so proud of you approximately 15 minutes  ago but were now shouting down your eardrums as you continued your walk of shame.

Standing up to take off the cap on your head in your primary school class with the full knowledge that the previous night your mum’s hairdressers accidentally shaved off every hair on your large head, which leaves you no choice but to heed the direct command given by your class teacher in the midst of all your classmates.

Trying to avoid close proximity and also trying to avoid using words in your conversation that start with ‘h’ or ‘wh’ after you’ve stuffed yourself silly with mouth-watering barbecue beef aka ‘Suya’ laced with raw onions and arriving at your prospective girlfriend’s place only to realize that you can’t find that last piece of Wrigley’s Extra chewing gum that was resting nicely in the ‘other’ pair of jeans you should have been wearing that evening.

Looking in the eyes of your housemate’s girlfriend whom you told the night before that you ‘really liked her moustache which looked like whiskers’ (and even attempted to stroke the little hairs) after having one-too-many vodka shots during your pre-boozing session before heading out to the techno nightclub.

Having to do a U-turn and put your head down in humiliation after snubbing some surprised onlookers but not realizing that you had stupidly driven out of your compound at 9.30am on Sanitation Day where vehicle movement was prohibited before 10am.

Trying to regain composure and avoid eye contact with an unknown pretty admirer across the street after staring at each other seconds earlier and unexpectedly walking right into a street lamp, and ultimately into a world of embarrassment.

Waiting nervously at the till of a supermarket with a week’s worth of grocery shopping as the sales attendant is on her third attempt of processing your ATM card payment while you know that you haven’t got any cash in your wallet and all you’re beginning to hear in the queue building behind you is their heavy sighing, particular one guy breathing down your scrawny neck.

I guess what is also awkward is the fact that I may see one or two of my blog subscribers face-to-face after this post is published. Maybe I shouldn’t even bother posting this article (mouse cursor hovers over the ‘Publish’ button…phone rings unexpectedly…oh darn! I’ve published it!). 

I shouldn’t have said that!

One hard lesson I’ve learnt so far in life is to know when to keep my big mouth shut. The problem is I have a mild case of verbal diarrhoea. Consequently there have been a couple of unfortunate victims who came into contact with my ‘running’ mouth and got poo’ed on big time. Here are a couple of things I can remember saying during my lifetime which made me wish that the earth would just swallow me whole with no chance of regurgitation:

1. “I like that thing you have there…they’re like whiskers.”Said to a girl with a faint moustache whilst I was under the influence of Smirnoff vodka before a night out during my university years.

2. “I wrote a jingle for a milk advert. Wanna hear it?”Said to a girl I was chatting up and trying desperately hard to impress during my secondary school years. Smh.

3. “There’s someone sitting here”Said to a guy at a wedding reception whom I did not want sitting next to me because he looked unkempt and likely to be a pickpocket.

4. “How’s your mum and dad?”Said to a friend who told me some months back that her dad had passed away after an illness. It just skipped my memory before asking.

5. “You remind me of my ex-girlfriend”Said to a girl I was dating and whom I obviously never ended up having a relationship with.

If I remember anymore I’ll put them up here, reluctantly. In the meantime feel free to share some of those careless things that slipped out of your mouth…and that includes spitting when you talk 😀