Four Weddings and a Refusal

At most wedding ceremonies I’ve attended in Lagos I was a mere spectator; marveling at such things as the reprimand of poorly clad bridesmaids by the priest, the sometimes risqué shenanigans of the MC or the conversion of the dance area to a bureau de change for showering the newly weds with. But back in London I got my first taste of participation when I was asked by my good friend (and university classmate) to be his Best Man.
Wedding 1: Role – Best Man (Novice)

  • I substituted the groom’s shadow for the duration of the wedding ceremony
  • I was entrusted with wedding bands which I had no choice of forgetting…or else
  • I served as an eye-witness and co-signatory on the marriage certificate
  • I had to give a (memorable) toast at the reception without shooting myself in the foot

Wedding 2: Role – Best Man (Fairly experienced)

  • I was approached by a colleague at work whom I knew fairly little about
  • My selection was based on: looks, availability, and capacity to afford a new suit
  • I was armed with handkerchiefs to wipe the sweat off the groom’s face
  • I had to pick all the cash thrown at the dancing newly weds for about an hour or so
  • I had to give a best man speech…about a guy whom I knew fairly little about

Wedding 3: Role – MC and Groom’s man (Experienced)

  • I was the impromptu MC at my younger sister’s traditional wedding ceremony
  • I helped usher different veiled women who came to deceive the groom but failed
  • Some months later I was a groom’s man at the follow-up white wedding
  • I bought yet another custom suit
  • As for the entertainment, let’s just say Michael Jackson would have been proud!

Wedding 4: Role – Best Man (Veteran)

  • I had to purchase a plane ticket, charter a taxi which drove me over 6 hours to Oz
  • I bought yet another custom suit and a pair of shoes.
  • Resumed cash collection duties and exchanging small denominations for the large
  • I gave the proverbial toast…to an audience unwilling to raise their glasses *hmm…*

And now for the grand finale – who got a refusal at the fifth wedding; the bride or the groom?

The answer is BOTH. It was I who categorically refused to be their best man just so I don’t I become the butt of some MC’s joke (e.g. ‘Wait a minute, weren’t you the best man at the last wedding I performed at?’). I thought to myself, ‘The next wedding I get actively involved in will be my own so help me God.’

Four years down the line this became my reality! My Crazy Nigerian wedding – that’s a post for another day 🙂

Image credits: Partycity.com

The Set Up of All Set ups

In recent weekends my wife and I have been getting our fix (or should I say ‘flix’) by way of series and movie binging. Thanks to Netflix we have more affordable variety compared to Cable TV; currently useful for only reporting new Covid cases and Khloe Kardashian’s latest meltdown. We’ve so far binged on Ozark, Prison Break and now we’re on Breaking Bad Season 4 (no spoilers in the comment section please). When it comes to movies though we sometimes want to give Nigerian talent a chance. On one of such occasions we decided to watch a Nigerian movie titled ‘The Set Up’. This movie sucked more than a 6-month old baby from a bulimic mother.

Before watching a movie my wife and I do this thing. Everybody has a ‘thing’ like watching movies with subtitles.  But our thing is to watch the first ten minutes and resist pressing the Exit button – once that time has lapsed then it’s more than likely that we would watch the rest of the movie. Sadly this movie did not make the cut after the eighth minute and here’s why.

To begin with the movie opened with three baseless flashbacks back to back spanning from the pre-teen, teenage to adolescent years of the two female childhood friends the story is based on. Fast forward to present day and you can perceive they live a criminal life once law enforcement agents storm their apartment. Just before they scram they get a visit from a recruiter who is need of their skills. All this while I contemplated wedging matchsticks under my eyelids to stay awake. The dialogue was the stuff of bedtime stories; yawn-worthy.

There were rushed scenes of the girls getting trained and executing scores with zero dialogue. I was disappointed at the missed opportunity for character development. I was not attached to a single character and couldn’t care less if any or all of them fell into an abyss. I wasn’t glued or caring to know where this story was going. I was contemplating my existence and wondering when last I called my parents.

Hopefully others who watched it got some entertainment. However, my wife and I have seen better Nigerian movies so this movie lived up to its title – we felt set up.

TCN rating – 2/10

Staying At Home: Side effects

Staying at home side effectsIt’s been 4 weeks since I’ve been staying at home and it’s been a bittersweet experience. Let’s start with my appearance. I look like the result of a Rogaine experiment gone wrong. My abstinence from shaving has given my scalp false hope of a full crown. On the contrary my facial hair is going haywire. With my moustache hell-bent on dating my teeth and my sideburns trespassing into my ear holes.

Per adventure I decide to dust my hair clipper or avoid every mirror in my home, staying at home still has some negative side effects. Missing going out for social gatherings. I want to meet up with my coworkers, friends and family members and share a real drink with them – virtual doesn’t quite work for me. I long for church and partaking in holy communion. I yearn to visit a restaurant with my wife and be served something we cannot pronounce or prepare at home. I want to turn up at a nightclub and dance near 6ft loudspeakers under rotating disco lights with a long island tea in one hand.

Until then I’m learning to appreciate the upside of staying at home. I have more control over my day. There’s time to exercise, meditate and plan my activities. I get to spend quality time with my family. My baby daughter and I are having longer and more serious conversations. I’m getting more office work done though I had to convert my wife’s closet room into my office and conference call room. I get better rest as I don’t have to be up early in the morning to beat rush hour. I’ve saved a total of 2-3 hours being off the road. not to mention the fuel and car maintenance costs.

But I can’t help but think, ‘Am I ready to embrace the new normal?’ I am not exactly planning to throw caution to the wind when the lockdown order is eventually lifted. I’m going to be armed with my face mask and sanitizer. And I’m ready to engage in evasive manoeuvres when confronted with people who spit when they talk 😀

Dodging bullets in The Matrix

The Soundtrack of Our Lives

MJ Earth Song - Pinterest

I decided to compile a list of songs that I believe tell a story of the mood in Nigeria in the early days of the pandemic to date. The soundtrack goes like this:

Earth song by Michael Jackson – This was the turning point when we realized there was a global problem that was spiraling out of control.

New born by Muse – We were seeing other continents waking up to a new world; a new reality which would soon become our own.

Drugs don’t work by Verve – There were rumours fast spreading in Nigeria about Chloroquine and other Malaria drugs being able to cure the corona virus COVID-19. But this led to more (and avoidable) deaths. I need a doctor by Dr. Dre ft Eminem, Skylar – Right now I’m trying to avoid going to hospital unless it is absolutely necessary. There are stories online about people with COVID-19 symptoms visiting regular hospitals instead of calling the NCDC helpline.

Gone too soon by Michael Jackson – The number of reported COVID-19 cases and deaths globally are alarming. My heart goes out to all those who have been hospitalized, the departed and those who have to cope with the loss. Land of Confusion by Genesis – Social media advises one thing and the news stations advise another. Can the Covid-19 virus survive on surfaces for up to 48hrs? Which masks are effective? Can sanitizers with at least 60% alcohol kill the virus? Is drinking alcohol more effective? It was becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish myth from fact.

Locked up by Akon – Lagos state announced a 14-day lock-down on March 29th  which later got extended by another 14 days. I’m currently at home with my family doing my part for society and getting to grips with working from home.

Lazy song by Bruno Mars – It was hard at first but I gradually got into a routine and created a work space with zero interruptions. I can only imagine how many people have bothered to shave, take a shower or change clothes in the last couple of days (don’t ask me).

Something new by Wiz Khalifa ft TY Dollar $ign – During this lock-down I noticed that people online have had more time to perfect their dance moves and partaking in the #somethingnewchallenge (Elbow left, elbow right, shake like a jellyfish then clap, I think). I’ve done mine at home but it will not be aired online.

Don’t rush by Young T and Bugsey ft Headie One – This was yet another song that birthed more creativity among the courageous before-and-after makeover pros across many social media platforms. #dontrushchallenge videos are quite addictive to watch.

Bored in the house by Curtis Roach – With the exception of those breaking the law, everybody who is meant to be observing the lock-down in specific states in Nigeria and states around the world can relate to this song.

They don’t care about us by Michael Jackson – There were reported cases in Lagos where residents complained that the palliative measures were not getting to their households. But the situation seems to have improved as the government is visibly going round to provide essential supplies on a door-to-door basis. Reaching out to over 20 million will be no small feat so a lot of patience from citizens is expected.

In the End by Linkin Park – Some of us are putting our trust in the government and scientists. And some of us are putting our trust in God. In the end we want to come out of this alive – that’s what matters. Staying Alive by BeeGees – With people losing jobs or having their customer base significantly impacted by the lock down order, it’s a struggle to make ends meet. Money makes the world go round. And a hungry man is an angry man. Another Day in Paradise by Phil Collins – This has been a time when I have been moved by regular citizens coming out to donate food and drink supplies to communities without requesting government support. Everyone needs to demonstrate love to his or her neighbours and give to those who lack.

Heal the world by Michael Jackson – Spread the love; that’s my appeal to everyone while scientists around the world work towards developing the vaccine to tackle this pandemic. Save me by Remy Zero – We need a saviour now more than ever. Times like this I wish Superman was not a fictional hero. The recent cases reported in Kano state are alarming.

A new dawn by Michael Buble – Hoping for a new dawn very soon for everyone. Do share your thoughts on the soundtrack; what would you change? what would your soundtrack for this crisis period feature? I would love to know 🙂

Image credit: s629photobucket.com

Frowns, Clowns and Lockdowns

covid stay home

Last night while I was in bed I finally felt it (not my wife’s bum, thank you) – that excitement at the thought of writing a blog post just because. The first time I experienced this same feeling was in 2009 but since then it’s been on and off for the last decade in diminishing proportions. Why, I hear you ask? Distractions would be the easy excuse. Let’s say I had a few things to frown about.

I had a string of hopeless relationships, a dead-end job with no promotion prospects, and a highly anticipated sequel to my debut novel which wasn’t writing itself. I lost my mojo.  Just when I thought life couldn’t get less satisfying, I encountered a few clowns who entertained and kept me going.

Shoutouts to the following lifesavers who tickled my funny bone:

Fortunately, things started to pick up in the last 3 years – I met and married my soul mate, got an amazing job, ushered in a beautiful daughter and I’ve added a few lines to my second book in progress (well 3 out of 4 isn’t bad). Fast forward to present day, and it’s been a state of emergency in Lagos where residents have been advised to stay at home for the last three weeks (and counting).

Some things I have learnt/did during this period are: Working from home (didn’t have a choice really); Social distancing (My friends who visit talk to me from outside my gate); Baking a lemon sponge cake (all my top scores went solely to effort); Netflix weekend binge (Money Heist included); Yoga on YouTube (I never heard so many creaks and snaps in my joints before – 40 is no joke) and one of my favourite things I’m doing right now – blogging. It’s good to be back (insert smiley here)!

Image credits: Pinterest

Dreaming of a Cleaner Lagos

I have a dream that one day Lagosians will be able to walk on the streets without holding their noses. People won’t have to play hopscotch over piles of putrid refuse as they walk. Commuters will not have garbage dumps as their companions while queuing at bus stops. I believe Lagos can and will be clean again…green again. If that was Ambode’s vision then it definitely escaped him. The only ‘green’ he had in mind was those rubbish (as in ‘useless’) trucks running up and down Lagos.

When LAWMA was doing the cleaning job I don’t recall Lagos beaming with trash the way it is now. You could see the workers in the early hours of the day and late into the afternoon cleaning roadsides, bridges and their orange trucks were actively stopping to pick up refuse. On the contrary every time I see a Visionscape truck I just see it moving…probably just as an advertising gimmick. Who knows?

It’s therefore no surprise that when it boiled down to the concluded Lagos Primaries the people of Lagos did not come to his aid. Unlike his predecessor Fashola who made a positive impact during his 4-year term and got re-elected, Ambode lost to a rival within his political party APC before even getting a shot at competing with the PDP. It goes without saying that Ambode should have cleaned up his act long before now.

He still has till next year before he hands over to Sanwo-Olu (APC) or Jimi Agbaje (PDP). Let’s see what good he can do for us to remember him by. IBB = Third Mainland Bridge; Obasanjo = Mobile telephony; Fashola = BRT and roadworks; Ambode = ???

The Space Between Us

Living in Lagos does things to you. Even the most patient of hearts can get stirred up by the antics of inconsiderate human beings. Many Lagosians I’ve come into contact with are not keen on queuing even though it is a civil gesture designed to give some sort of order. How else would a cashier know who is next to be served?

On several occasions I’ve had to literally bite my tongue to avoid hurling harsh comments at the following character profiles:

Pull up to the bumper: These kind of people don’t care that their basket, trolley or crotch keeps bumping into my innocent, unprotected behind. They reserve no apologies and they keep dry humping you until you’ve gotten off the queue. Grace Jones can relate.

One Two Step and Slide: These clowns see you in the queue and rather than go to the back of it they just pretend to be oblivious, stand by your side and slide into you like a DM. There’s nothing clever about this behaviour yet it appears to be common with impatient folk in these parts. Big Shaq probably gets me.

Other Side of the World: What makes these people the most annoying is that they impact everyone in the queue – not just me. They come from the opposite end of the queue and start their own queue because the rest of us have zero sense of direction and chose to buy time not groceries. Everyone gives them the look of death and beckon on the sales attendant to ignore them (or else). KT Tunstall knows what I’m talking about.

If you ever find yourself in a queuing situation anywhere in the world please exercise patience and stay in line till it gets to your turn. Doing otherwise is just a cheap way of telling everyone else you’re a complete asshole.

…and if I didn’t manage to communicate then hopefully you’ve gotten some good soundbites out of this 🙂

Kellogg’s made in Nigeria is not so grrreat!

tony tiger kelloggsAs a little child growing up in London I got excited whenever I saw Tony the Tiger on TV promoting the addictive, mouth-watering Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. The cartoon mascot was legendary – moving was such agility, strength and athletic precision when spinning that blue and white striped cereal bowl on his paw index without spilling a drop of milk. I couldn’t get enough of those ads and they worked like a charm on me – I needed my Kellogg’s fix. My mum didn’t disappoint – she took me through Frosted Flakes, Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies.

Years later when my folks and I relocated to Nigeria I was only fortunate to taste Kellogg’s cereals if my mum traveled to the UK and brought some boxes back. With time some local supermarkets began to stock them but at double the price of Nigerian-made cereals. You can therefore imagine my excitement when I recently heard that Kellogg’s was going to made in Nigeria  Whoa! That could only mean great taste at an affordable price. Local competition like Nasco Cornflakes wouldn’t stand a chance. At least that’s what I initially thought.

Analysis of the Kellogg’s Fruit ‘n Fibre experience:

Taste – 2/10 (Like expired, freeze-dried raisins with a side of unsalted Crispix savoury mix – horrible on the tongue and tough to swallow)

Quality – 3/10 (This cereal couldn’t stay crisp in a bowl of ice-cold milk after just 4 seconds – put this slop in your mouth and you’ll be soggy sorry.

Packaging – 9/10 (Definitely can’t fault the foil wrapping for suggesting locked-in freshness. I was utterly deceived.

Price – 5/10 (The price was N1,599 or $4.40. I wouldn’t buy this Kellogg’s variety of Made In Nigeria cereals again even if it was $1).

Crazy Nigerian Rating: 4/10

For the record, I’m all for supporting made in Nigeria goods but I’m not going to pretend that the quality is not wack when it actually is. Kellogg’s (made in Britain) is a brand I love and varieties of which I have had no negative experience, in case anyone thought I was trying to throw shades. This is more like constructive criticism – make the cereals with the same quality used to make cereals in the UK or don’t produce sub standard quality in Nigeria.

Off to enjoy some good ol’ granola.

.::TCN::.

This is Nigeria – a crazy perspective?

Before This Is Nigeria I first watched the critically acclaimed and controversial viral video of Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino (and NOT Danny Glover’s son),my first thoughts were, ‘What the #%*@!’ ‘Oh my…’ ‘Aaaaaaah’ ‘Did he just…’‘Whoa…shiiiiii’ ‘This N-word is crazy!’ (I’m 50% sure it was in that order). This is America is an inch perfect depiction of the land of the free today, after which Americans (black and white) would hopefully realize they are all slaves to the media.

Switch continents and you may have come across the comical This is Africa version on a much lighter note. But it was only a matter of time before one of our ‘bahd guys’ in Naija produced This is Nigeria.This is Nigeria by Falz

This video must be watched by EVERY Nigerian in the world repeatedly, so they stay WOKE! It’s not just another music video. 

Falz, the talented comedian, actor and award-winning music artist, recently came out with a well-timed copy of Donald Glover’s masterpiece but with a full Naija twist. The recipe for this equally controversial concoction included:

  • Killer Fulani herdsmen
  • Missing Chibok girls
  • SARS harassment
  • Corrupt government workers
  • Codeine addicts
  • Big Brother Distractions
  • Yahoo glorification
  • Perverted pastors and more…

Whilst I applaud Falz for reaching the #1 Trending spot on Youtube I also want to give him accolades for capturing the desperately deteriorating values of the country. We clearly lack respect for human life and we are also being distracted by less important things rather than asking questions like, ‘What can I do to make my own little contribution to a better Nigeria?’ Instead the reality is like ‘Every man for himself’ and ‘By any means necessary’. This video must be watched by EVERY Nigerian in the world repeatedly, so they stay WOKE! It’s not just another music video. The last time that I saw something this daring by a Nigerian was during the #OccupyNigeria movement a couple of years ago. The crowd that rallied peacefully at Freedom park was a sight to behold, until it sadly ended when the NLC got gate-crashed the party. The T.I.N video is a wake-up call for Nigerians to snap out of the Matrix. To Mr. Falz I say, ‘Wehdone sir!’

Finally, with the T.I.A video set to cross 200 million views, the only video that could possibly eclipse this is one is a replicated video with the lead subject portrayed by a white dude **scampers off** Enjoy the video 🙂

Infringing on Banana Rights

bananaI want to make an appeal to Nigerian artists who insist on using the derogative association of the male genitalia with the innocent, beautiful, healthy fruit – the Banana in their lyrics. The fruit is already awkward enough with its suggestive shape and length. What pains me is the fact that children sing the catchy, banana-filled songs which invade our radiowaves, cable tv and consequently, our eardrums. Nobody is safe.

A banana should only be going into one place – the digestive system. It should not be ‘falling’ on anybody. I shouldn’t have to worry about a child coming up to ask, ‘Uncle Tonwa, what does banana fall on you mean?’ How am I supposed to answer that question folks?

In recent times, cassavas haven’t had a smooth ride either. Food for thought.