My girl and I went to see
Jack and the Beanstalk Jack the Giant Slayer last night and it was more entertaining than I had anticipated (Though I never noticed any female giants, which begs the question, ‘How on earth were such a mythical army of ‘males’ born in the first place?). We arrived in good time, bought the calorie-adding popcorn and fizzy drink, plus we were the third couple to walk into the screening room, allowing us to pick choice seats. Unfortunately there was one critical factor we were completely unprepared for and had no way of predicting – the unpredictability of Nigerian cinema goers. *flexes fingers*
1. Talking on their phones. Whilst we watched Fee Fi Fo Fum confront Jack, I had to hold myself from not confronting the buffoon on my row who was answering a mobile phone call. He made no attempt to whisper – you could hear every single word he was saying (so much so that I heard him say he would call back in 10 minutes when he knew fully well that the movie had another hour to go! Seriously?!!). He must have talked for a good 3 minutes with no interruptions – not even a ‘shush’ from anyone in the audience…bizarre. I know what I was thinking of telling him (To know what that was, click here only if you’re 18 or older).
2. Putting their feet up on the seat in front. Despite the fact that the seats in Silverbird Cinemas Ikeja can be reclined (just like you have on airplanes) some movie goers here still feel the need to milk every possible position of comfort. Not only is putting your feet up on someone else’s seat bad manners but it also makes the poor person sat in that chair look like a bunny rabbit with dirty ears! (imagine the soles of two shoes on top of someone’s head).
3. Bringing babies under 1 year. I’m no expert on babies but I’m pretty sure that exposing their tiny eardrums to thunderous explosions aptly amplified by Dolby surround speakers (just for good measure) would not aid hearing development. I can understand the challenges of finding a trustworthy babysitter or persuading a relative to watch over the baby. However, there’s always the earplugs option, the rent-a-DVD option or the wait-till-the-movie-comes-out-on- DVD option. For God’s sake, prioritize! baby first, giants later!
4. Talking to the cinema screen. We all get carried away sometimes. But when there are other people around you there should be limits. At what point would a movie watcher realize that all his warnings and pockets of advice are not being ignored by the movie characters – THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUSE IT IS ONLY A MOVIE! Or maybe they just feel the people around them are probably so dim that we need an indirect explanation to bring us up to speed >> ‘Thanks but I watched the movie synopsis, I’m familiar with this sort of mythological theme and story-line, and most importantly I have over 25 years of movie-watching experience!’ Keep your commentary to yourself and
STFU refer to the link in point 1.
5. Standing up minutes before the movie ends. Some Nigerians just don’t get the full value of what they pay for simply because they lack patience. Take for instance the blockbuster movie The Avengers which had some added movie footage after the credits. Other notable movies with added footage include, THOR and Fast Five. It wouldn’t hurt to just sit tight for another 3 minutes just to be sure that you haven’t missed a sneak preview into any possible sequels. Or don’t they even want to know the name of that really good actress with the nice butt and sexy accent or the hunk with the biceps and piercing blue eyes? (for example). I frankly don’t care if they stay or go but they usually disrupt my viewing pleasure as they make no attempt to crouch as they pass in front of me – inconsiderate bunch of *#@%?!!
Alas, I have come to the end of my intended rant. If you’ve been a victim then I’m sure you can relate to this article. If you have other annoying things people (not necessarily Nigerians) do in the movie theaters then please spill the magic beans 😉
Note: Readers who
liked hated this article also hated 7 Annoying things Nigerians do on airplanes
Hahaha! When I came to Nigeria, I watched avengers. I was shocked and overwhelmed. This was the cinema in sabo yaba. My friends were apologising. I laughed and was in awe. Had to come back to London to watch the movie again. I can imagine how you felt. They need to set rules but that will be challenging. 🙂
I know the cinema you’re referring to. It must be Ozone cinema. I’m not cluster-phobic but I don’t particularly like squashing myself between people as I try to exit the screening room – things could get missing, if you know what I mean (lol). Thanks for the comment KC.
I always like to sit and watch the credits just incase you get to see some really cool outtakes or footage at the end of the film.. but my darling husband likes to depart the minute the credits start to roll.
And seriously? That guy got away with yammering on his mobile phone for THREE MINUTES? Why on earth did you not tell him to put the BLOODY THING AWAY! My favourite line is “i don’t know about you, but I paid to see this film and I would like to SEE AND HEAR it. Put the damned phone away/shut up” lol. it usually works…
hehehe *updates S Note* thanks for the tip. Well, I wanted to say something but how come nobody else was saying anything? Was he an ex-convict? Was he a gang member? Was he a member of the Illuminati? Or was everybody just ‘pok-pok-pok pkaaw!’ (hint hint) 🙂
I’m still surprised Nigerians (most people) don’t knowing that using (not just calling) a phone in the cinema is dangerous, hazardous & can lead to death. Mahn, I can’t stand people who scream at the screen, that kinda activity is only permitted for sports (because it is live at least) but a movie? A movie that was shot months ago? *sigh*. Lovely post by the way, I liked it
Thanks! lol @ using a phone in the cinema is dangerous. If you mean dangerous as in potential ‘lynch mob’ then I totally agree. On the monologue-screen-issue, I feel some people just want to connect more with the character on a ‘deeper level’.Thank God Jack the Giant Slayer wasn’t a 3-D feature – some people would have been trying to tap Jack on the shoulder instead!
Hahahahaha! Divvv! Yeah bringing of babies to the movies irks my soul – and also people who waltz in 30mins into the movie. I mean who does that? Why bother??
lol. Some people *smh* I’m such a movie addict that I cannot to afford to miss a single preview before the main feature – I’m getting my money’s worth…every kobo of it!
Man, I am never, NEVER going to the cinema in Nigeria. I am one of those wait-for-the-DVD people since I don’t have childcare. You can be sure that when I can co-opt a visiting sister, my movie-watching time is PRECIOSO and somebody will get STABBED if they try to disrupt the experience for me.
You forgot to add claping at the end of a movie or the incesasant sound of another person’s “crapberry” go ping
I was lucky when I wastched expendable 2 at ecenter Yaba. the audience was perfect!!
LOLd at the right places, gasped when necessary and moved a little bit closer to their seat’s edge when it became intense. (Not that I was monitoring and keeping records 😛 )
The key is not going on a friday evening, saturday(all day) and sunday(all day)
I’m back!!!!!!!!! commenting for stars *puts on cool shades*
Thanks for the worthy additions! Perfect audience? Sure it wasn’t a dream, lol. I think cinemas should provide bluetooth beats by Dre headphones; problem solved!
I love your posts. They are so funny. I think Jamaicans and Nigerians have a lot in common when going to the movies lol.
Thanks! Noted – there is a thin line between Jamaican and Nigerian behaviour at movies, lol. I enjoyed the ‘Drizzy/Degrassi’ article too 😀
A very thin line lol. & Thank you for liking the post. I am looking forward to reading more from you.
You’re most welcome, and I’m glad to know I have another avid fan!
Lol spot on. But you forgot to add “mass applauding action scenes.”
You’re right. I just watched Olympus has fallen (excellent movie, by the way) and the applause was something else. My girlfriend got into it to but I refused to join in, lol. Some things never change…
Americans do this too but we have rules for movie theatres. They’ve really cracked down on cell phone abusers. Security will either take your phone or escort you out.
That’s just what we need – discipline! Thanks Mike
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And these are strictly Nigerian things. No other nationality does ANY of these things. -_-
Have you considered naturalizing?
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