It’s the start of a new year and the Nigerian economy isn’t necessarily better than it was in 2014; power supply has gone from epileptic to epically lacking, Boko Haram terrorists’ have orchestrated more explosions than all the fireworks set off on New Years day…worldwide, and the drop in oil price is giving the heavily oil-dependent Federal Government more sleepless nights than the parents of the 230 kidnapped Chibok schoolgirls (There goes the value of the Naira *insert downward spiral here*). It’s all tragic…tragic I tell ya. So what better way to piss of a fellow Nigerian than to utter words that would make a black man go green – not with envy…
“Please don’t make me angry.
You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”
– Dr. Bruce Banner
First up, most Nigerian motorists shudder when they approach a checkpoint and hear the word, ‘Park!’ (More accurately yelled with intimidation like ‘PAAAK!’) to which the unfortunate driver is guided to park his/her car by the side of the road and await further
harassment instructions. If it’s a Friday, Saturday or Sunday then things go from bad to worse as 9.99 out of 10 times the police officer who waved you down would conclude with the old ‘How’s the weekend going to be?’ (bribe hint) To which you’re tempted to retort ‘Er…splendid once you give me back my driver’s licence and let me drive off!’ but you’re not quite sure if his semi un-automatic rifle is loaded or not.
Speaking of Sundays, they say there’s joy in giving – I agree. But just how much giving are we talking about here? In church your pastor informs you about all the
optional mandatory offerings; Sunday offering, Tithe offering, Covenant Seed offering, Communion offering, Special thanksgiving offering, Building fund collection offering, Christian mothers’ offering. etc. Then you have the projects, harvests, new months, half years (which I’m deeply grateful for, honest) and you start to notice that not every member of the congregation is getting up and marching to the altar…is it just fatigue or offering fatigue? Even in the office when social functions are being planned and words like the dreaded ‘Contribute‘, the loathed ‘Donate‘ or the particularly annoying ‘Sponsor‘ is borderline blasphemy for some coworkers.
Other words I choose not to rant about (because they’re self-explanatory) include ‘Traffic’, ‘Fuel scarcity’, ‘Super Eagles’, ‘Chairman’, ‘3rd reminder’, ‘School fees’, ‘Landlord’, ‘Denrele’, ‘Patience’, ‘Goodluck’ and ‘Jonathan’. Explanations for non-Nigerians come at no cost (and are most welcome) so there is an excuse for what Nigerians would call ‘ignorance’. Shine your eye my broda and pray for…
Special guest: Dr. Bruce Banner
Photo credits: comicvine.com; Pinterest (Licensed Inspiration)