Winning Oscars: for Dummies

For all those aspiring to get their hands on that golden symbol of perfection I’ve wiki leaked these tips which the Oscar judges don’t want you to know:

  1. When choosing a title for your epic movie make sure that it’s memorable, mysterious and most importantly, short. One-word movie titles are usually your safest bet, for example AVATAR (not The Blue People), TITANIC (not The Iceberg Strikes), INCEPTION (not Planting the Idea), ALI (not Sting Like a Bee), and GHANDI (not Stubborn Old Man) – you get the picture. Other great titles that have hit the mark are Philadelphia, Gladiator, Crash, Chicago, Unforgiven, Rocky, Shrek, etc. Of course there are exceptions to the rule with such bombshells as Crossroads, Glitter, Catwoman and Gigli.
  2. You need to have a ridiculously huge budget. If you know your movie has scenes that need to be shot in Brazil but you have a movie-set back home in Europe which costs less and can be modified accordingly, then just ignore that and fly all the way to Brazil with your entire cast and film crew instead! There is not a movie to my recollection that won an oscar on a meager budget. Spend! Spend! Spend!
  3. Next item on the agenda is Emotion! Emotion! Emotion! – aside from the tears you’ll be shedding after seeing the jaw-dropping total of all your film expenses, you need to ensure that your script is touching enough to jerk the tears out of your critical audience. Remember, strong themes which revolve around Love (Titanic), Betrayal (Titanic), Death (Titanic) and Slavery (Amistad) are excellent choices. But if you can fuse all four into one epic movie you’ll see the Oscar nominations rolling in pronto!
  4. Ensure you have a good amount of cheesy, memorable quotesor 2-liner conversations. E.g. In The Blind Side observe: Some lady – ‘You are changing that young boy’s life.’ Sandra Bullock – ‘No..he’s changing mine.’ (Standing Ovation or vomit bag…your choice).
  5. If you have problems handling any of the four tips then you can always settle for this most important tip – choose a reputable film director with a proven track record. If you’re well-connected and you try to work with the likes of either Spielberg, Soderbergh, Scorsese or Cameron then I can’t see how you can possibly go wrong.

 …and if you still haven’t won an oscar after applying all these principles time and time again, then don’t despair…there’s always the posthumous Oscar award up for grabs!

Lagos Life – A guide to choosing stuff

Grab your trolley and lets go shopping around for…stuff in Lagos, Nigeria. I’ll show you the top choices of the average Lagosian but note that the list is not exhaustive.

Mobile phone network/line:

  • MTN
  • Zain
  • Glo
  • Starcomms
  • Visafone

Bank account opening:

  • GTB
  • Zenith
  • UBA
  • First Bank
  • Stanbic IBTC

Eateries:

  • Tasty Fried Chicken
  • Barcelos
  • Nandos
  • Big Treat
  • Mr. Biggs

Alcohol/Beer:

  • Star
  • Guinness
  • Gulder
  • Heineken
  • Satzenbrau

Malt drinks:

  • Malta Guinness
  • Maltina
  • Amstel Malta
  • Maltex
  • Power Malt

Chinese cuisine:

  • Jade Garden
  • Golden Gate
  • Mr. Wang’s
  • China Town
  • Flamingo

Flat Screen TVs:

  • LG
  • Samsung
  • Sony
  • Phillips
  • Panasonic

Cable/Satellite Television

  • DSTV
  • HiTV
  • MiTV

Cinemas:

  • Silverbird (V.I & Yaba)
  • Shoprite
  • City Mall

Generators:

  • Honda Elemax
  • Tiger
  • Hyundai
  • Mikano
  • Suzuki

Domestic airlines:

  • Virgin Nigeria (soon to be ‘Eagle Flyer’)
  • Aero Contractors
  • Arik
  • Dana Air
  • Chanchangi

Recreational centres:

  • Ikoyi Club
  • Lagos Country Club
  • The Beach (Island)
  • Shoprite, Lekki
  • Metropark

Bars/Nite Clubs:

  • Soul Lounge (News Cafe)
  • Club Towers Prive
  • Black Pearl
  • Bacchus (formerly ‘11.45’)
  • 10 (JJ Okocha’s)

Okay, that’s enough shopping for one day. Let’s proceed to the checkout! Show me the monaaay!!!

How to make a Chapman drink

20140110_210724_LLSFor as long as I can remember there has been this fascination with the large red cocktail more commonly pronounced by the average Nigerian as ‘Shapman’. It has become synonymous with the popular orders made at our local Chinese restaurants, Recreational Clubs and more recently, weddings (though our wedding planners are notorious for being extremely selective with Chapman distribution – I‘ve never been offered any to date). Its origin is arguably in Nigeria but no one knows for sure. It isn’t necessarily expensive to buy (between N300 and N1000, i.e. $6 max.) nor is it difficult to make. But I think I know why there’s such a fuss over this bitter-sweet refreshment – it just tastes so damn good!

Today I’m running a small Chapman factory in my apartment (okay, not really but I do make them rather frequently) and I want to share the recipe for you to enjoy. Learn how to make Chapman is 6 easy steps!:

CHAPMAN RECIPE FOR 1 PERSON

  1. Get a large tumbler/glass mug (necessary if you want to make your Chapman-experience last a bit)
  2. Fill the glass halfway with ice cubes
  3. Pour a capful of Grenadine or any blackcurrant cordial into the glass (for that red glow)
  4. Pour in 2shots of Bitters – Any bitters you can find but you can also use Campari (In Lagos, Angostura Bitters is available at Goodies for N3,200).
  5. Pour in equal amounts of…believe it or not…Fanta and Sprite then mix it up
  6. Throw in a slice of lemon, garnish with a cucumber slice and dip-in a bendy straw
  7. Sip slowly and try not to hum too much as your taste-buds go into a frenzy.
  8. If you enjoyed this article show your appreciation by leaving a comment, or clicking on @dcrazynigerian and following me or sending a thank you mail to dcrazynigerian@gmail.com  . Thank you for your support!

Well there you have it. Simple, isn’t it? So the next time you’re sitting by your computer and one of your (anti-social) friends sends you a mouth-watering cocktail…via Facebook, make a Chapman to quench that insatiable thirst your ‘friend‘ created (remember to do point 7 ^^)…and then proceed to delete that friend from your Friend list (optional).

CHAPMAN RECIPE FOR 100 people

You’d need the following (if you are serving in small plastic cups):

– 1.5 litres of Ribena/Blacurrant cordial/Grenadine (about 1 big table spoon poured at the base of each cup)
– 50 cans of Sprite (half of each can poured into a cup)
– 50 cans of Fanta (half of each can poured into a cup)
– 10 medium lemons (each sliced in 10, making 100 slices)
– 10 medium cucumbers (each sliced into 20 and served two pieces per cup)
– 4 bottles of Alomo bitters or 3 bottles of Angosturra bitters (a capful poured into each cup)
– Probably 500 ice cubes equivalent (cheaper if you have ice trays at home. 5 cubes per cup)
– 100 bendy straws.
– Mixers (long plastic stirrers) are optional as you can use the straws to mix the drinks

N.B – If you use large mugs instead of plastic cups then use 100 cans of Sprite and 100 cans of Fanta (1 can of Sprite and Fanta per mug). Everything else remains the same.

Visit my ‘How To’ link and discover one very important tip I added on 5th January 2014 to help make your Chapman stand out from the others (highly recommended for Wedding Planners / Event Planners, Caterers, Hoteliers and Bartenders. Follow my blog and @dcrazynigerian on Twitter for even more crazy articles.

See more cocktail recipes

**Business Opportunity: Are you a caterer or an even planner and want to be listed here to promote your Chapman services? As at January 6, 2016 this article has been viewed over 45,000 times:

how to make chapman - statistics

I have been contacted on numerous occasions to help make Chapman for hundreds of people but sadly my day job won’t allow for it. If you want to advertise your catering or event planning services in line with providing Chapman then please send a mail to dcrazynigerian@gmail.com or call send an SMS to 07032024019.**

Now that you’ve made your delicious Chapman all by yourself you can read my hottest articles which have had thousands of views across the world:

Thanks for visiting for my page and do check back to learn other Chapman secrets your competitors will be dying to know.

To contact The Crazy Nigerian for about the recipe send a mail to dcrazynigerian@gmail.com or tweet at @dcrazynigerian on Twitter.