Hello Justice! I’ve been expecting you (pt.1)

justiceJustice, oh Justice, where have you been all this time? They say good things come to those who wait but I’ve waited for over 3 years for you to come into my life. You must have heard my lamentations about the loud pounding coming from the ground floor at 5.30 am daily, courtesy of the inconsiderate neighbour living below me on the ground floor. I mean, is she participating in a ‘Cook-every-Nigerian-soup-you-know’ Marathon? Who on earth is she cooking all these soups for anyway? Her help? Perhaps. Her little daughter? Doubt any Nigerian child would love eating Edikaikong everyday without thinking they’re being punished for some wrongdoing. Her husband is rarely in town so ‘who she epp’ (help)? It’s bad enough that I have to endure the aroma being sent up through my veranda to remind me of how much of a bloody bachelor I am. But after yesterday, I can see that Justice will soon be served to her – in black and white… (To be continued).

7 Everyday Problems Solved by Bacon

Gallery

This gallery contains 1 photo.

If you’re like me and you’re feeling the pinch in your wallet as a result of the weakness of your country’s currency and high dependency on imported goods, you’d appreciate alternative, creative ways of doing things. But I also believe … Continue reading

The Initiation: What it means to cut your hand in Nigeria (Pt.2)

Gallery

This gallery contains 1 photo.

I stepped out of my car and went back into the bank premises, watching the security guard suspiciously as I walked past him and into the trap door (Note to self – bring garlic to work tomorrow). I don’t recall … Continue reading

The Initiation: What it means to cut your hand in Nigeria (Pt.1)

Gallery

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Dear readers, As I think back to the time when I returned from London after ten years of work experience to settle in Nigeria, I marvel at how much of the local lingo I’ve learnt e.g. To ‘trafficate’ is to … Continue reading

Dear Ceasar…

ceasar1My sister showed me your picture yesterday and I thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute…weren’t we supposed to get a puppy and not a dog?’ But looking at the other pictures I bet my folks adored you, and the way you were moving around in the compound I can see you’re already feeling right at home. But before you get too comfortable, a few ground rules:

  1. I expect you to take the trash out on Thursdays and Sundays.
  2. You are to water the garden every morning (and I mean water not pee!). If any of my plants see yellow you’ll be seeing my front gate.
  3. When I come round to visit and the security guard isn’t around you’ll have to open the gate so I can drive in.
  4. When there’s no power supply and the security guard happens to be in the toilet or in a deep sleep you’ll need to turn on the generator.
  5. Whenever I ask you a question bark once for YES and twice for NO and bark three times if you have no idea what I’m saying.

It may interest you to know that your predecessor Happy was a very loyal and diligent dog who did all the above and more. He passed away some years ago and we miss him dearly. I don’t expect you to fill his shoes paws because lets face it – you’ve got small paws (no offence). Take the next couple of days to get to know your new family and surroundings but be sure to keep your wits about you always. You have permission to bite anyone who attempts to break into the house or steal our generator or parked cars. Please do not bark at night unless you’re absolutely sure it’s an emergency.

That’s it for now. The rest of the information will be outlined in your contract. See you over the weekend and by the way, you’re welcome to your new family 🙂

ceasar2 ceasar3

All white everything: Moet Party Day review

I recall at some point last year (after snubbing a TV clip of people at an all white dress code theme party having fun while I was bored stiff at home) I said to myself, ‘I’d like to attend a party like that someday’. Well June 11, 2016 was my lucky day and did I have a good time? Well let’s just say that I’ll be dishing out the good, the bad and the ugly.

Arrival: 

Arrival

The paparazzi at the Hard Rock Cafe gave me a warm welcome and I did my best to look like I didn’t give a s*** when in fact I did give a s*** (as you can see in my pose). I decided to go with the sporty-casual look for this champagne fest with the Ray-bans and white kicks to boot. I was given a brown wrist band and then ushered into the party zone (Please keep this brown wristband in mind as it will resurface later in this blog post).

The party had officially started at 12 noon but I arrived about 2.30pm when coincidentally the party was just getting warmed up, according to the MC as he mounted the stage with an all-white live band behind him. Ambience was 10/10 –

The patio furnished with white sofas graced with Moet & Chandon branded throw cushions, the bar area churning out champagne in both clear and all-white branded wine glasses (not champagne flutes surprisingly), and the swimming pool laced with folded branded white towels all rounded the pool edges was a nice touch. Inside the hall was a dining hall with an adjoining bar but the stage stole the scene with the DJ setup and overhead mega screen in the back drop. All we needed now was stuff to do.

Entertainment:

My sister and a few colleagues from work kept me company at the event, along with all the seated and arriving guests coming in their assorted mixes of white regalia. The live band got my pulse going and then I got interviewed by Pulse.ng though I can’t tell you when and where I’ll find that 10-sec clip but anyway…before I knew it the live band were nowhere to be seen. Shortly after the DJ took over and got everyone bobbing heads and shuffling feet. Next was the announcement about buffet lunch being served with a sauce clause – only those wearing the white band would be allowed to partake in the buffet. I was wearing a brown wristband – wahala.

At no point was I aware of any implication of being given a brown wristband after submitting my invite at the entrance. It was at the point of picking up a plate at the serving point that a steward told me my brown wristband only entitled me to champagne and not to the food on display. My brain understood him but my stomach didn’t. Fortunately I was able to improvise – white wristband? I stepped aside, turned my brown wristband inside out to the white side and picked up a plate of delicacies. It was only while I was munching away I noticed some unfortunate guy being harassed by a female steward because he was wearing a brown wristband and attempting to load his plate – seriously? after inviting guests it was a genius idea to segregate on food? Well if that wasn’t bad enough I needed something cool and bubbly to wash my food down so what better than the drink of the day – Moet & Chandon right? Wrong. I got to the themed bar outside on the patio and was told the champagne was finished…at 3.30pm? That was only an hour after I got there! So what’s the point throwing such a party if drinks were going to run out before 5pm? I was perplexed to say the least. Some guests were still arriving and I even noticed some trying to argue with the M & C bartenders but even all the bravado got these guests nowhere as they all told that they could get a M & C bottle at the inner bar…at N40,000 (insert indigestion here).

Departure:

My friends and I had laughs and took loads of pics. We even bought a couple from the multiple photographers manoeuvring throughout the event. But I expected some giveaways to be distributed either on our way in or on our way out. At least that would have made the experience of depleted champagne a forgettable one. I caught sight of music artist Brymo and TV presenter Eku Edewor. I also caught sight of some ‘movement’ in the swimming pool (I never said it was empty, lol).

Generally I had a good time but I must say that the organizer/Lagos-based M & C ambassador should take note in future to keep the champagne flowing throughout the event and also engage the guests for a more cohesive crowd of fun lovers. Here’s a couple of shots of what went down…

Now take a look at how Moet and Chandon celebrated in Croatia and tell me who entertained better –

I rest my case 😀

Article by @dcrazynigerian

Out of my hiatus and into the hot seat

Gallery

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Hello everyone! I’ve been asked quite a number of awkward questions in recent times and thought it would be fun to share them along with my responses: **Why are you still single?** a) My perspective – Short of saying, ‘Why … Continue reading

And the winners who guessed right are…

Image result for winners pngHello everyone! Thanks for all the entries on my last post How to lose your appetite in 3 seconds. Apologies for any ruined appetites on account of my disgusting scenarios – A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say. So let’s get straight to the other half of the problem – Which scenario did I experience yesterday? Three of you chose the correct answer 🙂 Join me in congratulating OLAIDE AJAYI, CHARLES WILLIAMS and FARRAH for choosing that…

A gush of soot hit my face and landed on my entire lunch plate

Lucky (or unlucky) number 3 is the answer! Suspense is over…we can all eat normally again. Tee-hee

N.B – As promised the winners will be getting treats on social media – shout outs on their profiles and promotion of their content on my blog or a topic of their choice in the following week. Thanks for reading and look out for my next crazy post!

 

How to lose your appetite in 3 seconds

Okro-soup-goatmeatIt was a day not quite like any other day when I popped out of the office with a colleague for lunch at a nearby local restaurant. I was so hungry I could eat a horse (word to my stomach). I settled down to an aromatic bowl of okra soup with a generous ball of pounded yam and I couldn’t have washed my hand any quicker so I could dig in. It was halfway through my gulps of satisfaction and eyes rolling to the back of my head that an over zealous restaurant staff decided to reach over an switch on the air-conditioning close to me. Nothing prepared me for the next thing that happened.

Let’s make this a bit more interesting. Which of the following scenarios took place after the restaurant switched on the air-conditioning:

  1. A baby roach crawled into my okra soup
  2. Sweat from the restaurant staff’s forehead dropped into my pounded yam
  3. A gush of soot hit my face and landed on my entire lunch plate

Now only one of the above scenarios actually took place today and was immediately followed by a thousand apologies and an offer of a replacement meal. The winners get a social media treat courtesy of the Crazy Nigerian so have a go 😀

 

What it sounds like when doves cry