The Nigerian Way; Will things ever change?

I’ll be honest – It’s not going to be easy writing this post without coming across as a pessimist but I need to give you a taste of the attitude of Nigerians I have experienced in recent times. From all indications things seem to be going from bad to worse. Just yesterday I was at a beautiful wedding reception and at a point all guests were asked to stand up for a prayer from one of the wedding couple’s family members. As we were repeatedly saying a resounding ‘Amen’, right in the middle of the prayer I suddenly heard the pop of a champagne bottle.

we no dey pop amI don’t know about you but I think that was just downright rude. What would it cost the stewards to wait a minute or two for a prayer to finish before causing such a distraction. In the presence of God some level of decorum should be expected during prayer – no talking,  no selfie-ing, no walking and most definitely no champagne popping! Of course it wasn’t long before the final Amen that another champagne cork went off with a loud *POP!* At this point the ridiculousness of it all made me giggle and shake my head – Nigerians! Continue reading

Keep Calm…

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How to solve Screen Overlay Detected error…FINALLY!

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For those of you who use Android smartphones and suddenly received a pop-up/push message ‘Screen Overlay Detected…Open settings’ you would probably agree that it can be very frustrating, especially when you are trying to respond to an SMS or chat … Continue reading

Nigeria is one big animal farm

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I’ll probably get some backlash about this blog title…but on second thoughts that presupposes that this post gets a lot of reads in the first place from people hunting for ‘politically incorrect’ statements. But as we say in these Nigerian … Continue reading

Hello Justice! I’ve been expecting you (pt.2)

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Enough was enough and it was high time I did something about it. I equipped myself for the imminent battle – adrenaline (check), sarcasm (check) and of course the facts (check). I knocked on her door and she asked who … Continue reading

Hello Justice! I’ve been expecting you (pt.1)

justiceJustice, oh Justice, where have you been all this time? They say good things come to those who wait but I’ve waited for over 3 years for you to come into my life. You must have heard my lamentations about the loud pounding coming from the ground floor at 5.30 am daily, courtesy of the inconsiderate neighbour living below me on the ground floor. I mean, is she participating in a ‘Cook-every-Nigerian-soup-you-know’ Marathon? Who on earth is she cooking all these soups for anyway? Her help? Perhaps. Her little daughter? Doubt any Nigerian child would love eating Edikaikong everyday without thinking they’re being punished for some wrongdoing. Her husband is rarely in town so ‘who she epp’ (help)? It’s bad enough that I have to endure the aroma being sent up through my veranda to remind me of how much of a bloody bachelor I am. But after yesterday, I can see that Justice will soon be served to her – in black and white… (To be continued).

7 Everyday Problems Solved by Bacon

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If you’re like me and you’re feeling the pinch in your wallet as a result of the weakness of your country’s currency and high dependency on imported goods, you’d appreciate alternative, creative ways of doing things. But I also believe … Continue reading

The Initiation: What it means to cut your hand in Nigeria (Pt.2)

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I stepped out of my car and went back into the bank premises, watching the security guard suspiciously as I walked past him and into the trap door (Note to self – bring garlic to work tomorrow). I don’t recall … Continue reading

The Initiation: What it means to cut your hand in Nigeria (Pt.1)

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Dear readers, As I think back to the time when I returned from London after ten years of work experience to settle in Nigeria, I marvel at how much of the local lingo I’ve learnt e.g. To ‘trafficate’ is to … Continue reading

Dear Ceasar…

ceasar1My sister showed me your picture yesterday and I thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute…weren’t we supposed to get a puppy and not a dog?’ But looking at the other pictures I bet my folks adored you, and the way you were moving around in the compound I can see you’re already feeling right at home. But before you get too comfortable, a few ground rules:

  1. I expect you to take the trash out on Thursdays and Sundays.
  2. You are to water the garden every morning (and I mean water not pee!). If any of my plants see yellow you’ll be seeing my front gate.
  3. When I come round to visit and the security guard isn’t around you’ll have to open the gate so I can drive in.
  4. When there’s no power supply and the security guard happens to be in the toilet or in a deep sleep you’ll need to turn on the generator.
  5. Whenever I ask you a question bark once for YES and twice for NO and bark three times if you have no idea what I’m saying.

It may interest you to know that your predecessor Happy was a very loyal and diligent dog who did all the above and more. He passed away some years ago and we miss him dearly. I don’t expect you to fill his shoes paws because lets face it – you’ve got small paws (no offence). Take the next couple of days to get to know your new family and surroundings but be sure to keep your wits about you always. You have permission to bite anyone who attempts to break into the house or steal our generator or parked cars. Please do not bark at night unless you’re absolutely sure it’s an emergency.

That’s it for now. The rest of the information will be outlined in your contract. See you over the weekend and by the way, you’re welcome to your new family 🙂

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