thecrazynigerian.com is dead

Dear fans, spammers, followers and critics, it is with a deep sense of regret that I hereby announce the sudden and untimely death of www.thecrazynigerian.com due to my forgetfulness negligence. I was meant to renew my domain subscription sometime late last year and despite several reminders from WordPress I never followed up. It’s in no way a valid excuse (after all, nobody has to remind me to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and all the junk food in between). In the blogging community my actions should constitute a punishable offence because I’ve successfully managed to confuse my followers who may have wondered why my website is suddenly displaying this:

thecrazynigerian.com

Luckily enough the clown, who used to own ‘www.crazynigerian.com’ and was charging me hundreds of thousands of Naira to purchase it, obviously must have been negligent too. The moment the site name became available I scooped it up quicker than a Nigerian Street sweeper backing high-speed traffic on Third Mainland Bridge. So for the avoidance of doubt, my new site name and blog address is www.crazynigerian.com 

In other news, I’ve been keeping myself busy whilst my former blog got shut down. Here’s a few snapshots of things I’ve been up to:

crazynigerian teescrazynigerian at classicfm

crazynigerian at book festival

crazynigerian at book festival 2

Well there you have it – my past few months in pictures. The sequel, The Crazy Nigerian Returns is currently in production and promises to live up to readers’ expectations. Here’s a toast to the new blog address and to more funny/crazy articles like before. Bye bye thecrazynigerian.com, hello crazynigerian.com!

Teaser: Taken from the series, Think Like A Man, End up Without One by @Livelytwist with my little contribution…

Let’s just get right down to the critical issue here, thinking. Men think. Women think too much, quote me on that. It’s not a bad thing until a man has had a single thought and moved on, and a woman is still having several thoughts about his single thought, long after.

Take for instance the following scenario. A young man and his girlfriend are enjoying a hearty meal and each other’s company at a fast food restaurant, when a stunning woman walks past. The man may think one of two things: what she’ll look like naked or what she’ll be like in bed. His girlfriend on the other hand may think many things including several variations of what her man was thinking about some seconds ago.

Paranoia could follow her dangerous thought process. His eyes lingered a little too longHe must like herHe said he likes women with assets and hers are bigger. Meanwhile the man has resumed munching his burger. His girlfriend on the other hand, has moved from paranoia to “casual” interrogation—“She’s very attractive isn’t she?” Wise men know this is a trap and the correct answer for peace to reign is, “I only have eyes for you, dear.” But if he loves you, why worry?

When it comes to love, less brain, more heart, or else a woman may just chase that man away. Men dislike wahala jo! – @dcrazynigerian

Not Suit-able for the Crazy Nigerian

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Patience isn’t one of my strong suits but I’ve been forced in recent times to take a crash course from none other than my last tailor fashion designer. Once upon a time (time time) my fashion designer came by recommendation. I … Continue reading

5 Easy Ways To Remain Sane in Nigeria

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Avoid Nigerian news like the plague This includes reading the local newspapers or listening to local news on the radio or watching local news on TV. An overdose of ‘corruption’ news could impair your judgment in day-to-day activities and lead … Continue reading

The Truth behind BB Naija 2017 (Guest post)

bbnaija2017We are probably all thinking it, and I began to suspect it 10 minutes later into the show… where is this place with 12hrs 24hrs steady Nepa in this naija cause I’ll pack my bags too and head there. Of course not, I didn’t think so too, hence my research into this game began (remember, it is a game lol).

1. Who cares? I mean do people really still give a damn about this thing? There’s a reason why its been off air for 10 years and I dint hear anyone crying out. What is the purpose??? What is the vision???

2. Who wins? Again who really cares, as far as this year’s housemates (HM) they all came to ‘sell market’. According to Efe (the most popular looking HM based on live feeds) he put it so poetically and said that as long as you build your brand, then you could put out crap songs yet people would still buy. Abi, is that what “see gobbe” stands for?

3. N24m or N25m??? So big brother, which is it because on the opening night you were shouting winner takes home N25m, then one week later, the money has dropped to N24m. Please inform the housemate, before they come out, the money if the money has dropped all the way down to N1m.

4. Been there, done that, got the Tshirt. All the twists and surprises possible have been done tire, even the twists get twists haba, it don’t make sense no more. HM are failed to be surprised, just check out last week’s “fake eviction” and the look on their faces, orlack thereof of surprise when it was revealed.

5. Is it fight I came to watch??? Aparently, some naijas are not depressed enough with the current recession in the economy, they want to see people fighting for entertainment. However, big brother failed to deliver on that either, even forcing him to piss each other off. It’s not working, sorry biggie.

6. Aha! It must be relationship I’m looking for. Lets do the mathematics…7 girls and 7 boys, aged 20s to 30s, all hot by the way. Throw in some double beds, some awkward single beds and lack of adequate sleeping arrangements, alcohol and music, what do you get??

7. This is Big Junior Brother!!! Apparently, people have been speculating as to who is the voice behind biggie. Ebuka perhaps??? Highly plausible indeed.

8. Where is our President??? I mean seriously guys, we have real issues in the ‘real world’of Nigeria e.g. dollar going up, US travel ban, petrol queues, ain’t nobody got time for this.

9. Did we hire a marketing team??? I’m telling you, these housemates must be up to something cause I’ve never been more aware of the sponsors than now. I guess it’s the ‘plan b’ in case they don’t win, they can get a job with one of the sponsors.

10. Communal living: I just cant deal right now. Food sharing, bed sharing and don’t get me started on the shared toilet and bathroom. Maybe I’m getting too old for this.

(To be continued).

Post credits: Anonymous 

An MJ parody: Blood on the dance (Part 2)

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You spin her around and then you both put on an electrifying, neomodern salsa-type of performance.The uproar from the crowd is unprecedented. You catch a glimpse of some beautiful ladies biting their bottom lips. Some are winking at you and pouting … Continue reading

What the ‘heels’ wrong with you?

heelsWhen I see a woman walking in six-inch heels I marvel. And quite rightly so. Some of them are nothing short of Avengers the way they defy physics by balancing body weight of between 50-70kg on a pair of micro stumps…in motion!. If that isn’t self-inflicted torture then I don’t know what is. Are there valid reasons for a woman to subject herself to wearing high heels? There must be because millions of women have at least a pair in their shoe collection. Let’s see (put’s on thinking cap). Is it:-

  • the desire to be taller than God intended?
  • so that they can compete with other heel wearers in a heel-a-thon?
  • simply to appear sophisticated and/or fashionable till they have to walk the walk?

I guess they’re all good reasons but some women clearly don’t take (mandatory) heel-walking practice indoors before embarrassing themselves in public:

There’s nothing like a sexy woman strutting in high heels elegantly and making the ‘koin-koin’ sound slowly and loudly against marble tiles – It commands your complete attention. Men like me appreciate you heel wearers out there – it’s not an easy job.

That said, if you can’t walk the walk then practice. If that fails then just accept that they were not meant for you. Give them to charity or you risk having your mishap you-tubed and posted here 😀

By 2-1-3

Recession blues: 5 Effects of dating now in Nigeria

It’s been nothing but doom and gloom in the 4th quarter of 2016 for Nigeria. The buying power of the Naira keeps shrinking faster than the egos of expired Viagra users. As at today 1 Naira is equal to 315.75 (Source: Google). For me, this translates to less of the wants and focusing more on the needs. But when you’re in a relationship it’s not always that simple. It’s no longer just about you but about somebody else too. So in order for you not to become the victim of a bad romance I have listed five effects of dating in the recession which you can look out for and handle without straining your relationship.

1. Pocket management:

During the recession you have to become economical with romantic gestures that cost a lot of money. Gone (or few) are the days that you splurge on Debonair Pizza for all your close friends and leave a N1,000 tip for the sales girl. With recession comes the era of scaling down to Dominos Pizza and buying that medium size pizza for you and your partner only. Spa treatments can be less regular and maybe your partner should consider going ‘au naturale’ with her hair so you don’t get lumbered with expensive extensions for your future ex.

2. Fragapanophobia:

Or Natalophobia is the irrational fear of one’s birthday, though in this context the fear is more specifically of having to buy your partner a gift. It costs money and depending on your partner’s taste, lots of it. As a matter of fact, once you’re in a relationship during this recession, festive days like birthdays, Valentine’s day, Christmas day and your one month or five months or 1 year anniversary just appear like skits of a horror movie titled, ‘The Bleeding Bank Account’ (printed in red blood, of course and starring YOU).

3. Data appreciation:

I don’t mean appreciation in the value of Internet data! (I’d be so lucky. The opposite was recently rumoured to be the case). I mean appreciating data over voice calls. With a fixed data subscription you can chat with or video call your partner as much as you like without spending your life savings on endless purchases of airtime top-up. An understanding partner would appreciate this substitution. Couples need to KISS (Keep It Short & Sweet) when it comes to voice calls. The amount of texts and images/video clips you send via Internet data is only limited by your data plan.

4. Heated arguments: 

When you find that your finances are reducing faster than usual and that your salary can no longer afford things like before, you can get emotional. Emotions of anger tend to be quite common in these instances. It’s best not to bottle up these emotions from the onset. If the level of spending in your relationship is a concern then mention it early. Don’t wait till your partner asks you to buy a flight ticket before you throw a tantrum. Be open about what you can and cannot afford. If your partner cares about you then he or she will understand.

5. Recession vs oppression: 

It can be quite annoying when you’re with your couple outdoors in a club somewhere and you notice a similarly cool-looking couple sitting in the VIP section downing Hennessy XO while you’re in your humble corner with your partner sipping slowly on ‘Lemon-flavoured carbonated water served on the rocks’ aka Sprite with ice cubes. There’s a popular saying we have in Nigeria – Cut your coat according to your size. In other words, spend on what you can afford and don’t try to be like anyone else. You don’t have to compete. You don’t know what they are into (probably MMM, who knows?).

In summary, during this recession you and your partner need to communicate a lot more than ever before. Things are hard and will get tougher in the coming year for Nigerians. But if we learn to manage our expenses and make alternative lifestyle changes, then relationships do not have to be avoided. That said, I hope you’ve saved up for a Christmas present 😉

Recession effect on dating couple (Image credit: blog.conqueryourdebt.org)

Are you giving off a gay vibe?

Gay vibe? (Source: India Opines)Warning: This article may amuse the Gay community but may offend homophobes.

On one of many ‘student nights’ during my University years I was out with a couple of friends. We decided to go to a nightclub (and it wasn’t a gay nightclub if that’s where you think this story was heading). Amidst the strobe lights, endless queues at the bar I wandered into the crowded dance floors and later felt somebody pinch my butt. I turned round but to my amazement there wasn’t anyone trying to get my attention. I thought maybe it was a shy girl who did a pinch-and-run. In that same moment I got the shock of my life when I got the glimpse of a young white dude like 2 feet away who gave me a dodgy wink – Bingo! I found the ‘pinch-er’ but I became an unsettled ‘pinch-ee’. Was I giving off a gay vibe?

Weird interrogations:

In the past I’ve had some drunk forward girls in London nightclubs ask me during conversation, ‘Do you have a girlfriend? I would respond with a ‘No’ because I was single at the time. And then the follow-up question was, ‘Are you seeing anyone‘? Again, I would answer ‘No’ because at the time I wasn’t in a relationship. Then they round-up with the third and bizarre question, ‘Are you gay?’ Huh? Where on earth is the correlation between being single and being gay?

What to wear and how to act:

You could imagine my confusion; second-guessing my appearance and overall dress sense henceforth. I admit wearing a magnetic stud in my Uni days for fun but it was on my left ear not my right! I consciously cross my legs while sitting by placing my left leg over my right. Don’t even get me started with how long it took before I switched from wearing baggy American style clothes to fitted ones. I remember my younger sister encouraged me a few years ago to wear Levi regular fit jeans and I reluctantly obliged. I’ve not bought another pair since then. But does that mean I’m unsure of my sexuality or uncomfortable with being perceived as a gay stud muffin?

Ladies and gentlemen, for the record (and I play this vinyl on a gramophone) I am 100 per cent heterosexual and coincidentally I’m also a metro-sexual, which could explain the vibe exude. To any gay men who’ve made advances my way feel free to confirm I never attacked or insulted you. Sadly I’ve got my eyes on the earthlings from Venus 😉

Are you comfortable with your sexuality? Has anyone of the same-sex made a pass at you or groped you against your will? Do share (and you can be anonymous if you wish).

Thanks for reading 😀

5 reasons NOT to invest in MMM Nigeria

MMM Nigeria Logo (Source: Google images)With the recession in full swing in Nigeria more Nigerians seem desperate to find solutions to the pinch in their pockets. So much so that the voice of reason has been drowned by the din created by the latest rave to hit the Nigerian scene – MMM Nigeria. MMM is a ‘social financial network’ founded in 1989 by three Russians, with Sergei Mavrodi at the forefront. The network promises returns of 30 per cent to investors who ‘help’ members of the network by parting with some level of funds. While this sounds very attractive (I mean, no bank is paying up to 30 per cent interest, is there?) I have an arsenal of reasons why you should avoid MMM like the Black Plague. So allow me load my metaphorical revolver:

Bullet 1: Fraudulent founder

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How things should change in Nigeria: A quick guide

Nigerian National anthemIn my previous post where I wrote on ‘The Nigerian Way’ I shared some personal experiences of bad attitudes in Nigeria. I concluded that post by hinting at some practical measures to correct the negative behaviour. In this post I will highlight and elaborate on how things should begin to change in Nigeria: Continue reading